The Old Testament

The Old Testament

Or as the Jews call it... the Bible

Genesis:

1. Seven days in a world not yet fucked up by gangster rap 
2. The forest of bizarre trees and the first ever hookup
3. The first blond and the first illegal immigrant
4. The first murderer - an angry vegetarian
5. The many children of Eve's baby daddy
6. The brown-nosing boat builder
7. And you think your family vacation sucked!
8. God's anger management issues
9. God's pride parade and the power of the penis
10. A chapter only Wakko from the Animaniacs could make enjoyable
11. God hated erections, but loves overpopulation
12. God's first bad promise, Abraham be pimpin'; what happens in Egypt...
13. Brokeback Campsite: Abram finds a way to quit Lot
14. A bunch of warmongers you won't give a shit about, and rescuing Lot from kidnapping Sodomites
15. God promises more than an impotent old fart could dream
16. Knocking up the help, who is NOT a Viking comic character btw
17. God finally speaks to man again, and He goes straight for the penis 
18. Abraham invents haggling - the weirdest auction ever
19. Resident Anal - God blows up the horny zombie city 
20. Pimping out the old lady... the really old lady
21. Hagar the Horribly Annoying - the Treaty of Something or Other
22. And you thought the Lohans were bad parents!
23. Take my dead wife... please take my dead wife!
24. The journey of the horny servant who gets nookie for others
25. Isaac's wife has a tribble baby who grows up to be a soup addict
26. Isaac doesn't learn from his dad's mistakes, which is why he sucks at real estate
27. Clearly Isaac was a bear chaser, blessing his "favorite" son (or so he thinks)
28. The ladder to heaven that didn't make Jacob drink Kool-Aid
29. Jacob goes a long way for a chick he didn't even realize he wasn't banging
30. Bitches be all pimping out their baby daddy for vegetables
31. Stealing and sitting on top of gods: Rachel's a crazy, kinky gal!
32. Jacob’s Grudge Match with God, who’s not only a pussy, but a sore loser too
33. Reunited and it feels so . . . creepy
34. The first RapistMingle.com marriage leads to a lot of crotch mangling

Exodus:


Leviticus:


Numbers:


Deuteronomy:


Joshua:


Judges:


Ruth:


1 Samuel:


2 Samuel:


1 Kings:


2 Kings:


1 Chronicles:


2 Chronicles:


Ezra:


Nehemiah:


Esther:


Job:


Psalms:

1. When sweet, delicious wrath sounds better than the alternative

Proverbs:


Ecclesiastes:


Song of Songs:


Isaiah:


Jeremiah:


Lamentations:


Ezekiel:


Daniel:


Hosea:


Joel:


Amos:


Obadiah

Jonah:


Micah:


Nahum:


Habakkuk:


Zephaniah:


Haggai:


Zechariah:


Malachi:

To the New Testament

...because the Old one is so last eon ago

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