The Old Testament


The Old Testament
Or as the Jews call it... the Bible


Genesis:
  1. Seven days in a world not yet fucked up by gangster rap 
  2. The forest of bizarre trees and the first ever hookup
  3. The first blond and the first illegal immigrant
  4. The first murderer - an angry vegetarian
  5. The many children of Eve's baby daddy
  6. The brown-nosing boat builder
  7. And you think your family vacation sucked!
  8. God's anger management issues
  9. God's pride parade and the power of the penis
  10. A chapter only Wakko from the Animaniacs could make enjoyable
  11. God hated erections, but loves overpopulation
  12. God's first bad promise, Abraham be pimpin'; what happens in Egypt...
  13. Brokeback Campsite: Abram finds a way to quit Lot
  14. A bunch of warmongers you won't give a shit about, and rescuing Lot from kidnapping Sodomites
  15. God promises more than an impotent old fart could dream
  16. Knocking up the help, who is NOT a Viking comic character btw
  17. God finally speaks to man again, and He goes straight for the penis 
  18. Abraham invents haggling - the weirdest auction ever
  19. Resident Anal - God blows up the horny zombie city 
  20. Pimping out the old lady... the really old lady
  21. Hagar the Horribly Annoying - the Treaty of Something or Other
  22. And you thought the Lohans were bad parents!
  23. Take my dead wife... please take my dead wife!
  24. The journey of the horny servant who gets nookie for others
  25. Isaac's wife has a tribble baby who grows up to be a soup addict
  26. Isaac doesn't learn from his dad's mistakes, which is why he sucks at real estate
  27. Clearly Isaac was a bear chaser, blessing his "favorite" son (or so he thinks)
  28. The ladder to heaven that didn't make Jacob drink Kool-Aid
  29. Jacob goes a long way for a chick he didn't even realize he wasn't banging
  30. Bitches be all pimping out their baby daddy for vegetables
  31. Stealing and sitting on top of gods: Rachel's a crazy, kinky gal!
  32. Jacob’s Grudge Match with God, who’s not only a pussy, but a sore loser too
  33. Reunited and it feels so . . . creepy
  34. The first RapistMingle.com marriage leads to a lot of crotch mangling
Exodus:


Leviticus:


Numbers:


Deuteronomy:


Joshua:


Judges:


Ruth:


1 Samuel:


2 Samuel:


1 Kings:


2 Kings:


1 Chronicles:


2 Chronicles:


Ezra:


Nehemiah:


Esther:


Job:


Psalms:
  1. When sweet, delicious wrath sounds better than the alternative


Proverbs:


Ecclesiastes:


Song of Songs:


Isaiah:


Jeremiah:


Lamentations:


Ezekiel:


Daniel:


Hosea:


Joel:


Amos:


Obadiah

Jonah:


Micah:


Nahum:


Habakkuk:


Zephaniah:


Haggai:


Zechariah:


Malachi:



...because the Old one is so last eon ago



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