Saturday, June 22, 2013

Genesis 13: Brokeback Campsite - Abram finds a way to quit Lot

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Thirteen
Brokeback Campsite - Abram finds a way to quit Lot
Abram and Lot Separate
  1. So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, with his wife and everything he had, and Lot went with him. And Lot brought with him a game of Travel Yahtzee, thinking it would make the trip more fun, but they told him if he didn't leave them alone they'd abandon him at the first QuikTrip they came to.
  2. Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold which made traveling difficult because there was no U-Haul.
  3. From the Negev he went from place to place singing doo wah ditty ditty dum ditty doo! until he came to Bethel, to the place between Bethel and Ai where his tent had been earlier, 
  4. and where he had first built an altar, but their camp was now covered in strange stick figures and odd piles of little rocks. Sarai began filming immediately and knew they would want this footage for their film, The Bethel Witch Project. There Abram called on the name of the Lord and in the tent that night, Sarai did a lot of crying out to the Lord as well, if you know what I mean.
  5. Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents, as well as some weird thing he called a Soloflex machine that nobody used and which collected much dust
  6. But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together.* 
  7. And quarreling arose between Abram’s herders and Lot’s over whether wrestling was real or fake. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time, but are irrelevant to this point in our story, so I feel stupid even mentioning it.
  8. So Abram said to Lot, “Don't taze me bro. Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives and lately, well, you've lost that loving feeling.
  9. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. We should maybe see other people, but keep it under your hat around Sarai, eh? If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left. And if you go in the middle it'll be just like old times when the wives were away, but let's not distract ourselves like that.
  10. Lot looked around and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan toward Zoar was well watered and, unlike his wife, was moist like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt. (This was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, although let's face it, that place wasn't exactly dripping with juices after Scott Weiner got onto the Board of Supervisors*.) 
  11. So being a selfish opportunist, Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company after a very akward argument over how to divide their records and movies
  12. Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom (which is quite ironic in Lot's attempt to escape Abram's advances, considering how often Abram pitch a tent for a Sodom-style reason)
  13. Now the people of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord. And it was awesome. The shows, the night life, the inexpensive buffet meals... although some shows were kind of run down and cliche. I mean, how is it people still think Wayne Newton is something worth seeing?
  14. The Lord said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, “Look around from where you are, to the north and south, to the east and west. 
  15. All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever."
    And Abram was like, "Great. Thanks. Lot gets to party and I get the little podunk lands where people will think thowing camel poop is a fun sport."
  16. The Lord said, "I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted." And the Lord gave him something called Viagra to make it so. Although to be honest, they were already pretty dusty because they rarely bathed, and they were horny most of the time in that way that most rednecks just are.
  17. "Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you.”
  18. So Abram went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he pitched his tents, and that's quite enough snickering about that, thank you very much. There he built an altar to the Lord. And I don't mean in his pants.
    Okay fine, he pitched one in his pants too. 
- This reference to the land not being able to support them and their population is interesting if one takes an anthropological stance at studying these creation tales. It has been suggested by author Daniel Quinn, of Ishmael and The Story of B, that just as native populations in America warned that the Europeans expected too much outcome from the land, that the Genesis story showed the ways of Cain, or the way of agriculture, and the consequences of lower outcome and the crops being overrun by thorns, was a way of native people also suggesting the consequences of careless overgrowth as well. And history certainly showed this to be true, as careless agriculture caused the horror known as the Dust Bowl. But what was really most important to Lot and Abram here is that they needed some time apart because Lot was beginning to grow hair in funny places, and this meant he was now too old for Abram's interest.
10 - Joke about San Francisco and the guy who is basically ruining everything that made it different and interesting by banning nudity and making the Castro more family friendly. You know, because there aren't a billion other places in America just like that.