Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Thirty
Bitches be all pimping out their baby daddy for vegetables
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When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!” Right then Angelina Jolie jumped out and said, “No! You can’t have any! They’re all mine!” and Jacob ushered Rachel inside so they could continue their conversation uninterrupted.
---- Jacob became angry with her and said, “Just how hungry are you anyway? I tend to eat smaller things because I could never finish a whole baby. Try a hot pocket or something, jeez!” But Rachel pointed out she wanted a kid not to eat, but as a status symbol. So Jacob said, “Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?”
--- - Then she said, “Here is Bilhah, my servant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and I too can build a family through her.” Because it worked so well for his grandpa and Hagar and all. These are the people who just don’t learn lessons.
--- - So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, which was challenging, as it was difficult to say her absurd name during coitus without laughing. You try it. Say, “Oh Bilhahahahahaha!” See how quickly it becomes snickering?
- And she became pregnant and bore him a son.
- Then Rachel said, “God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son.” Because of this she named him Dan. Just Dan. Not Mephizzleckameckahayim or Azazelebidiah or anything like that. Just Dan. It seemed a good idea at the time.
--- - Rachel’s servant Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. Not on the same day or anything. Just a few days later. And not because she got wet because she wasn’t a mogwai or anything.
- Then Rachel said, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won.” So she named him Naphtali, which means, Ha bitch, my kids can kick your kids’ ass!
--- - When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her servant Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. Jacob was all like, “Can’t I just watch the game?” But he figured this may be the only time he’ll be swimming in this much poon, so he gave it a go.
- Leah’s servant Zilpah bore Jacob a son.
- Then Leah said, “What good fortune!” So she named him Gad, which means Look how lucky I am that my child has a penis! but it’s not really good fortune as it is a fifty-fifty shot. I mean good fortune is winning a one-in-a-billion lottery, not a coin toss.
--- - Leah’s servant Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. These servant women seem to have a peculiar ability to shoot out sons like a tennis ball machine.
- Then Leah said, “How happy I am! The women will call me happy.” Although what she didn’t know was that the women had completely different names for her when she wasn’t around, and not a one of them would’ve made her happy at all. So she named him Asher, which meant child destined to drool and eat paste well into his twenties.
--- - During wheat harvest, Reuben went out into the fields and found some mandrake plants, which he brought to his mother Leah. Leah said, “Gee thanks. I’ll just make something miraculously tasty out of these rancid things like I’m on Chopped or something.”
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Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.”
--- - But she said to her, “Wasn’t it enough that you took away my husband? Will you take my son’s mandrakes too?” Never has anybody gotten this outraged over a few mandrakes before or since, because people have since learned to eat things that don’t appear only in Harry Potter novels.
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“Very well,” Rachel said, “he can sleep with you tonight in return for your son’s mandrakes.” Had Jacob known that he was easily pimped out for vegetables he’d have felt tremendously depressed, although this kind of thing is commonplace in Vegan covens.
--- - So when Jacob came in from the fields that evening, Leah went out to meet him. “You must sleep with me,” she said. “I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” So he slept with her that night. Without hesitation. He didn’t even ponder for a second about what she meant by that. He just whipped it right out and did her. He might’ve thought for a second, while he was in the short-strokes, Wait, you hired me with what? What the hell does that mean? What the hell’s a mandrake anyway? Isn’t that what they used in Harry Potter? but it just didn’t phase him enough to make him even hesitate banging her, because that’s what a man is all about, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
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Recognize!
--- - God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son.
- Then Leah said, “God has rewarded me for giving my servant to my husband.” So she named him Issachar, which means I am really stupid when it comes to interpreting what God thinks of me.
--- - Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son, and this one even shot out of her super-loosened birth passage like a bazooka and almost killed three of the earlier sons.
- Then Leah said, “God has presented me with a precious gift,” but really at this point she kinda said it like one of those tired old mothers going through the motions of it all….. like, Oh look, a son, woohoo, just what I always wanted… again… and that sort of thing. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons.” So she named him Zebulun, because at this point she was just out of ideas for names. Zebulun means Oh look, a hangnail. You can tell she was a little over it all.
--- - Some time later she gave birth to a daughter and named her Dinah, which means I could park a small horse and buggy in my cooch now that I’ve had all these bastards.
--- - Then God remembered Rachel, because the all-knowing Father apparently forgets people for periods of time; he listened to her and enabled her to conceive so that she’d shut up about it.
- She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” Apparently she was unaware that she still had kankles or she wouldn’t have thought this.
- She named him Joseph, and said, “May the Lord add to me another son.” And Joseph was the last son she ever had, proving that God was sick of giving into her shit.
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Jacob’s Flocks Increase - After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jacob said to Laban, “These kids are making me crazy! Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland.” Laban looked at him like, You think you’re leaving these brats with me? so Jacob still wanted to leave because he was sick of Laban’s bullshit too.
- “Give me my wives and children, for whom I have served you, and I will be on my way. You know how much work I’ve done for you, you oppressive bastard!”
--- - But Laban said to him, “If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that the Lord has blessed me because of you.” Jacob rolled his eyes at this tired old divination excuse. Last time he wanted a day off Laban was all crazy with his tarot cards and saying he’d meet his death if he did.
- He added, “Name your wages, and I will pay them.”
--- - Jacob said to him, “You know how I have worked for you and how your livestock has fared under my care.
- The little you had before I came has increased greatly, and the Lord has blessed you wherever I have been. But now, I am tired of your cantankerous ass, and even more sick of your constant forwarded emails about how kids wouldn’t get along back in your day, or all those damned snopes that I have to look up and correct you on! When may I do something for my own household?”
--- - “What shall I give you?” he asked.
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“Don’t give me anything,” Jacob replied. “But if you will do this one thing for me, I will go on tending your flocks and watching over them: - Let me go through all your flocks today and remove from them every speckled or spotted sheep, every dark-colored lamb and every spotted or speckled goat, and every poodle that you keep thinking is a sheep no matter how many times I’ve told your dumb ass otherwise. They will be my wages.
- And my honesty will testify for me in the future, whenever you check on the wages you have paid me. Any goat in my possession that is not speckled or spotted, or any lamb that is not dark-colored, will be considered stolen.”
--- - “Agreed,” said Laban. “Let it be as you have said.” And anyone with any knowledge of even basic Mendellian genetics can see the tragic drama this should lead to.
- That same day he removed all the male goats that were streaked or spotted, and all the speckled or spotted female goats (all that had white on them) and all the dark-colored lambs, and he placed them in the care of his sons.
- Then he put a three-day journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob continued to tend the rest of Laban’s flocks. Although sometimes he was caught sleeping on the job, and by sleeping I mean with one of the sheep. Apparently the chicks had run out of mandrakes and he hadn’t been hired in a while.
--- - Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. Because when I think shepherding, I think weird-ass woodworking.
- Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink,
- they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted. Because somehow we’re all supposed to believe that fucking next two worded wood makes sheep bear young in different colors and patterns. But evolution is a completely absurd notion or something.
- Jacob set apart the young of the flock by themselves, but made the rest face the streaked and dark-colored animals that belonged to Laban. Thus he made separate flocks for himself and did not put them with Laban’s animals.
- Whenever the stronger females were in heat, Jacob would place the branches in the troughs in front of the animals so they would mate near the branches,
- but if the animals were weak, he would not place them there. So the weak animals went to Laban and the strong ones to Jacob. This entire scheme happened to a lot of hip background music just like in Oceans 11 so that it wasn’t nearly as boring as it sounds. Let us not forget, this was supposed to testify for his honesty!
- In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and female and male servants, and camels and donkeys. And yet this scheming thievery should have absolutely no bearing on how you feel about Jewish people whatsoever, you bigot!
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