Thursday, July 18, 2013

Genesis 21: Hagar the Horribly Annoying – The Treaty of Something or Other

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Genesis: Chapter Twenty-One
Hagar the Horribly Annoying – The Treaty of Something or Other
    hagarcrying The Birth of Isaac
  1. Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised, and returned her Tupperware.
  2. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age*, at the very time God had promised him, although a little late because he was watching Heaven’s Got Talent.
  3. Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him, rather than the name usually given to children born an old age, which is Benjamin Buttons.
  4. When his son Isaac was eight days old and looked like he was 175, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him.
  5. Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him. Which makes his handling Isaac’s penis that much creepier.
  6. Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me,” not realizing that because of her family’s weird penis-cutting tradition, they’re actually laughing at her. 
  7. And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.” Then the spirit of Eve screamed at her, “I HAD SETH AT THE AGE OF 130, AND SEVERAL KIDS AFTER THAT, BITCH!” because she was sick of them forgetting they hadn’t set any records at all.* But Sarah didn’t hear her because ghosts aren’t real.
    Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away
  8. The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast of Gerber foods.
  9. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian* had borne to Abraham was mocking, I’m not touching you!
  10. and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”
  11. The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son, and made him realize Sarah was an uppity, racist bitch.
  12. But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.
  13. I will make the son of the slave into a nation also, because he is your offspring.” And he did so, but they’re not allowed to have their own actual nation to this day for reasons nobody on earth understands except religious bigots in America.
  14. Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy, saying, “Ho, be gone from here.” She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba where she began her Abraham Haters Support Group which meets on Thursdays.
  15. When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes in hopes that Angelina Jolie could rescue and adopt him.
  16. Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die,” and apparently a bowshot is as far as she can see since she’s not been going to her eye doctor anymore. Perhaps this is why she was able to survive being impregnated by an old guy. And as she sat there, she began to sob. Wouldn’t you?
  17. God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “Shut up! I’m watching Big Bang Theory!” And when it was done, he came down and asked, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there.”
    The little boy looked up and said, “I’m not crying! I’ve… got something in my eye. Like a fig leaf or something.” 
  18. God said, “Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.And she did so. And then God said, “Poof! You’re a great nation!” and then began to laugh really hard. Hagar was not amused.
  19. Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And the boy did not thank her because kids are pricks.
  20. God was with the boy as he grew up, and because of his entire bent on righteousness, he was the worst best friend a kid could ever have. And since he was the ancestor of Islam, is it any wonder they’re so angry? He lived in the desert and became an archer.
  21. While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt. She picked her up at WifeMart for only a couple of sheep and a “favor” for a sailor.
    The Treaty at Beersheba
  22. At that time Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, “God is with you in everything you do. Except when you go to the bathroom, so relax.
  23. Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you now reside as a foreigner the same kindness I have shown to you. And never ever wear Crocs.
  24. Abraham said, “I swear it.” He was thankful his last pair of Crocs had just been thrown away.
  25. Then Abraham complained to Abimelek about a well of water that Abimelek’s servants had seized and how they kept bogarting the weed.
  26. Like any politician, Abimelek said, “I don’t know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today.”
  27. So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelek, and the two men made a treaty. Abimelek’s men wouldn’t hog the water and herb, and Abraham would stop whining and trying to cut off their foreskins like a penis-obsessed weirdo.
  28. Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs from the flock,
  29. and Abimelek asked Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs you have set apart by themselves?”
  30. He replied, “Accept these seven lambs from my hand as a witness that I dug this well.Obviously Abimelek wasn’t there to observe him doing this deed, but he was just sick of Abraham staring at his crotch, so he agreed just to get the hell out of there, really.
  31. So that place was called Beersheba, because the two men swore an oath there. Apparently Beersheba means Got drunk on beer and made an agreement on a cocktail napkin while being waited on by a waitress named Sheba.
  32. After the treaty had been made at Beersheba, Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces returned to the land of the Philistines and discussed giving Phicol a new name that doesn’t sound like a respiratory disease..
  33. Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and there he called on the name of the Lord, the Eternal God. God’s answering machine answered, so Abraham left a message and was pretty certain things would be okay by Him anyway.
  34. And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time because they had great bagels.
2 – The grammar here is disturbing, because it doesn’t make it clear if the “old age” clause pertains to the direct object of the baby, or the indirect object of Abraham. Therefore I can only conclude the baby was born old. Just like Dakota Fanning.
7 – Getting sick of having to footnote this fact: Genesis 5:3-4.
9 – Yes, their slave woman was Egyptian. So when they are taken slaves in Egypt, hard to have sympathy. Especially since they did that whole fucking their slave and then disowning the child thing like what happened so often in the South.