Thursday, June 13, 2013

Genesis 6: The brown-nosing boat builder

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Six
The brown-nosing boat builder

Wickedy-wickedness in the Wiz-orld
  1. When human beings began to increase in number on the earth because of all that filthy sex they were having, and daughters were born to them, 
  2. the sons of God who were also a hallucination saw that the daughters of humans were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. 
  3. Then the Lord said, “My Spirit will not contend with humans forever, for they are mortal; their days will be a hundred and twenty years,” proving God was a procrastinator.
    The Nephilim
  4. The Nephilim, which is like a Kardashian without their own television show, were on the earth in those days—and also afterward—when the sons of God went to the daughters of humans and had children by them. ruining them for mortal men forever. They were the heroes of old, men of renown, because once you go deity, you never go back.
  5. The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. But with all that holy cock out there, how could you blame them?
  6. The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. Not to mention his favorite show was cancelled so he was really cranky.
  7. So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them,”  but he said it with great patience.*
  8. But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord, because he sucked up on a regular basis.
    Noah and the Flood 
  9. This is the account of Noah and his family.
    Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God. He was, of course, regularly given wedgies and swirlies.
  10. Noah had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth. And as far as I'm concerned, he should've been drowned too for not naming one of them Bacon.
  11. Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight and was full of violence, so it was like the Real Housewives of Ancient Earth
  12. God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. And he watched it for a while eating popcorn, until it got about as bad as Heroes.
  13. So God said to Noah, “Because the human race has jumped the shark, I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them*, and honestly, those people can't dance either because, as demonstrated in most of the illustrations of these stories, everybody on earth was still white. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth," said God, ignoring how much his own children were at fault, like any uppity parent.
  14. "So make yourself an ark of cypress wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. The master bedroom should have an on-suite with a wetbar and hot tub for relaxation.
  15. This is how you are to build it: hire a Feng Shui specialist before you do anything! The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.
  16. Make a roof for it, because if you don't you'll have a convertible, and that would just be stupid. Leave below the roof an opening one cubit high all around because natural lighting is less expensive. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. Otherwise you won't be able to get out. And really, if I have to explain these basic structural necessities, maybe I should let you wash away too.
  17. I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. Which is really fair, since it's only the humans that I hate, but what are you gonna do?
  18. But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—provided you don't forget that door I mentioned—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you.
  19. You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. Make sure you do the male and female thing correctly, obviously. I don't want to see homosexuality end up in nature, after all, or my anti-gay followers won't have a leg to stand on when they call it unnatural.
  20. Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. 
  21. You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them. Except the mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, and just because I want sinful science people to think the world is older than it is, the triceratops. That's okay. You can still use your saddle on horses and camels.
  22. Noah did everything just as God commanded him, that ass-kissing sonofabitch.
7 - 1 Peter 3:20 makes an interesting mention that "God waited patiently in the days of Noah while the ark was being built," which makes you wonder how patient a God can be, if a thousand years is like a day to him, if he was angry enough to kill everyone on earth except for eight people. Just saying.