Saturday, September 21, 2013

Genesis 31: Stealing and sitting on top of gods: Rachel’s a crazy, kinky gal!

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Genesis: Chapter Thirty-One
Stealing and sitting on top of gods: Rachel’s a crazy, kinky bitch!
TeraphimHumping -------Jacob Flees From Laban
  1. Jacob heard that Laban’s sons were saying, “Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father.” Of course that’s precisely what he did, but since he’s God’s favored one, apparently God loves liars.
  2. And Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude toward him was not what it had been, but that also could’ve been from what Jacob had done to his carpet after that drunken binge.
  3. Then the Lord said to Jacob, “Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives before they figure out what you did and fuck you up bigtime, and I will be with you.”
  4. So Jacob sent word to Rachel and Leah to come out to the fields where his flocks were. They of course took forever to get ready, and both of them insisted that they had absolutely nothing to wear.
  5. He said to them, “I see that your father’s attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. And the God of my father is the one who did it. All of it. I’m innocent, I tell ya.
  6. You know that I’ve worked for your father with all my strength, which okay, isn’t much, as you know from my bedroom performance, but it’s the best I got.
  7. Yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me. Although he did let me be cheated ten times, so apparently the God of my father is a rather useless one.
  8. If he said, ‘The speckled ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks gave birth to speckled young; and if he said, ‘The streaked ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks bore streaked young. It has absolutely nothing to do with what I did with those sticks or anything.
  9. So God has taken away your father’s livestock and has given them to me. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.*
  10. “In breeding season I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats mating with the flock were streaked, speckled or spotted. I woke up having spilled my seed in the bed, so try not to be too creeped out that I had a wet dream about sheep.
  11. The angel of God said to me in the dream,‘Jacob.’ I answered, ‘Here I am.’ And then I thought, oh wait, He’s all-knowing, so He’d know that already.
  12. And he said, ‘What day is it?’ and I answered, ‘What do you mean what day is it?’ and he said, ‘Oh come on, what day is it?’ and I realized he was throwing his voice into my camel again and that it was Wednesday. I can’t even begin to tell you how tired I get of him doing this, so I just sighed and said, ‘It’s hump day,’ and he did his ‘Woo WOO!!!’ thing and go it all out of his system. Then he finally said, ‘Okay, seriously. Look up and see that all the male goats mating with the flock are streaked, speckled or spotted, for I have seen all that Laban has been doing to you.
  13. I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and where you made a vow to me, and where you did that thing that I promised I wouldn’t tell anybody about if you obeyed me. Now leave this land at once and go back to your native land.’”
    Just then a booming voice from the sky said, “I had nothing to do with this at all! Jacob’s lying to you!” but Jacob just kept going LA LA LA LA LA LA to drown him out as he spilled the beans about that thing, which involved a costume malfunction and some Swiss cheese.
  14. Then Rachel and Leah replied, “Do we still have any share in the inheritance of our father’s estate? Or are we cut out like your brother Esau, thanks to your swindling?
  15. Does he not regard us as foreigners? Has he not taken all of our mom’s dresses for himself? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us. And he didn’t even get anything really nice. I mean all he got was lame crap from Pier One.
  16. Surely all the wealth that God took away from our father belongs to us and our children. So do whatever God has told you. Unless of course he tells you to throw us to rapists, or kill us in the desert as a sacrifice or something, because that shit was off the chain.
  17. Then Jacob put his children and his wives on camels, (who, contrary to stereotype, were not excited about it being a Wednesday)
  18. and he drove all his livestock ahead of him, along with all the goods he had accumulated in Paddan Aram, to go to his father Isaac in the land of Canaan. None of it was to go to his brother, Esau, whom he cheated, of course.
  19. When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father’s household gods.* She snuck them under her skirt, where all that child-bearing gave her plenty of room for them to be stashed.
  20. Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away, because God chooses really honest heroes.
  21. So he fled with all he had, crossed the Euphrates River, and headed for the hill country of Gilead. Then he invested in Enron.
    Laban Pursues Jacob
  22. On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled, because back then news was considerably slower since all they had was CNN.
  23. Taking his relatives with him, (who were all strangely speckled because they’d mated too closely to sticks) he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead.
  24. Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.” Laban decided his fist would do all the talking.
  25. Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him (and that, we promise, wasn’t meant to sound so dirty), and Laban and his relatives camped there too. Laban tried leaving a flaming bag of camel poop by Jacob’s tent, but Jacob was already used to the smell of his brother and wasn’t much effected.
  26. Then Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war. Although if they were really captives you’d have had them bound and gagged, they’d be a lot quieter. I kind of wished you’d done that because their voices get on my nerves.
  27. Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of timbrels and harps? Unless of course you hate harps, in which case I could’ve used a tambourine instead. Although if you hate timbrels I can’t help you because I have no idea what they are.
  28. You didn’t even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters goodbye. Not that I wanted to. They’re kind of gross since they’re all speckled and everything. You have done a foolish thing.
  29. I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’ Which . . . I’m doing right now. Oops.
  30. Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father’s household. But why did you steal my gods?
  31. Jacob answered Laban, “I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force. Although I’m the guy who going to defeat God in a wrestling match,* so I guess it’s a silly fear. But what do you mean I stole your gods? I mean I took your GI Joes and all, but your gods weren’t of any interest in me. They were all far too phallic shaped, which made me worry about you a little bit there, Laban.
  32. But if you find anyone who has your gods, that person shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it.” Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods. And if he had taken those penile objects, perhaps he’d realized how much he hadn’t been satisfying her, if you know what I mean.
  33. So Laban went into Jacob’s tent and into Leah’s tent and into the tent of the two female servants,but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah’s tent, he entered Rachel’s tent. At first impression it was obvious she wasn’t using those odor eaters he had bought her.
  34. Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel’s saddle and was sitting on them and bouncing. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.
  35. Rachel said to her father, “Don’t be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I’m having my period.Which, if she was being honest, means that Laban’s deities had all just earned their red wings. So he searched but could not find the household gods.
  36. Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. “What is my crime?” he asked Laban, having to raise his voice a little because Rachel was moaning surprisingly loud for some reason.. “How have I wronged you that you hunt me down?
  37. Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.
  38. “I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried (and why he would’ve caused them to do so would’ve been way too creepy), nor have I eaten rams from your flocks.
  39. I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night.
  40. This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and the crablice pretty much 24/7, and sleep fled from my eyes.
  41. It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times.
  42. If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you. But I can’t complain, I guess. I mean I shag your daughters like you do farm animals!
  43. Laban answered Jacob, also having to raise his voice because Rachel was getting close, “The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne? Rachel, will you keep it down!” She suddenly became quiet.
  44. “Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us.”
    Leah was suddenly overheard saying, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
  45. So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar. And beside it he rolled two very large, round boulders, and sat them at the base. Their meaning was obvious.
  46. He said to his relatives, “Gather some stones,” which was meant to suggest that they didn’t have stones, if you know what I mean, yet went right over their heads and gave Jacob quite the private chuckle. So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap.
  47. Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, which meant The Place where My Daughter Flowed Heavy. and Jacob called it Galeed, meaning, The Place of God Humping.
  48. Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today.” That is why it was called Galeed. Because Laban was really bad at the language and thought Galeed meant The Place of God’s Peace. It’s not a bad mistake. I mean, humping tends to make one feel pretty peaceful afterwards.
  49. It was also called Mizpah, because he said, “May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.
  50. If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me.” Mizpah means, of course, I Hope God Treats Your Genitals Like You Do My Daughters.
  51. Laban also said to Jacob, “Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me. And over there I laid a different heap, if you know what I mean, and it is not somewhere you wanna go for a while, believe me!
  52. This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me.
  53. May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us.”
    So Jacob took an oath in the name of the Fear of his father Isaac. He was so fearful that he even capitalized the word Fear for reasons that are only understandable if you’ve had the shit scared out of you, and again, don’t go near that other heap, as we just mentioned.
  54. He offered a sacrifice there in the hill country and invited his relatives to a meal. After they had eaten, they spent the night there.
  55. Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters (even though he should’ve not touched Rachel if she was on her period, because that means she’s unclean*) and blessed them. Then he left and returned home and bought himself some new gods from the local adult bookstore.
7, 9 – Seriously, God should be smiting both of these clowns. They both cheated each other. Clearly this deity doesn’t really pick very good people, nor can God be said to have actually done anything for Jacob since it was Jacob’s “sticks” that made the sheep speckled for him (however the hell that’s supposed to have happened). So when Jacob claims God was with him, he’s lying, and yet notice he doesn’t say anything about God letting him be cheated in the first place. So yes, Jacob is your typical religious person in complete denial of God’s incompetence, and only thanking him when good shit happens that He didn’t do.
19 – He had gods? Does this mean idols? One of the justifications for this point is that sometimes in Hebrew the plural form (Teraphim) is used not when there is actually more than one, but one thing that is great, which is why Elohim is used when the bible doesn’t actually have multiple gods. Which is bullshit, because the bible has multiple gods, a god that talks to his selves, etc.  It’s absolutely hilarious the way they’re trying so hard to make every mention in this book about gods to be about a single god, when Hebrew polytheism was a constant, and we’ve even seen evidence of pagan tree god worship and so forth. Another hilarious attempt is to say that this must be YHWH (but YHWH isn’t mentioned yet) and that Rachel’s wrong is not for having the wrong god, but the right god in the wrong way (i.e. idolatry). Yet idols weren’t condemned yet either in this story, so that’s just absurd. Justify away. These people were scoundrels and later scoundrels are the reason there was a bigotry towards people with other gods.They’re all fake, no one great god is supreme over any other when they’re all imaginary. And this story just gets sillier all the time.
31 – Yes, he defeats God in a wrestling match in chapter 35, and God is such a bad loser that he cripples him for it. Because God is a great god and shit.
55 - “When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.” Leviticus 15:19. Which makes one wonder why there’s nothing about a man being unclean when he’s forgotten to wash himself down there for awhile. I mean, men’s crotches aren’t exactly bastions of freshness either.