Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Four
The journey of the horny servant who gets nookie for others
- Abraham was now very old, and the Lord had blessed him in every way. Well not every way. I mean, he did look a little too much like Walter Matthau for his own good.
- He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh.”
-------
And the senior servant was like, “I beg your fucking pardon?”
------- - “No, really. I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living,
- but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.”
------- - And the servant said, “Oh, if that’s all. I done tol’ you I don’t give no handies, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to keep my hand going where seemed to want it to go, red hankie man!*” Then the servant asked him, “What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from? Or do I finally get to use that chloroform you got me for Yom Kippur?”
------- - “Sure. Make sure that you do not take my son back there,” Abraham said, “because his probation collar might go off.”
- “The Lord, the God of heaven, the Master of Disaster, who brought me out of my father’s household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, ‘To your offspring I will give this land’ and I was all, ‘This land?’ and he was all, ‘Sh-yah!’ and I was all, ‘K.’—he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. And if he’s late, she’s cold, or she sticks to the box, your next wife delivery is absolutely free.
- If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. (Because even though women’s wishes don’t amount to a hill of beans throughout the majority of this book, for some reason Abraham was aware that no means no.) Only do not take my son back there.”
- So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham feeling rather violated by the request, but hoping he’d kick the bucket before he asked for anything more, and he swore an oath to him concerning this matter. But he felt very, very dirty.
------- - Then the servant left to take a ridiculously long shower., taking with him ten of his master’s camels loaded with all kinds of good things from his master all of which, while good, still felt oddly tainted for some reason. He set out for Aram Naharaim, home of the world’s largest velvet painting of the Olsen Twins, and made his way to the town of Nahor, where Methusaleh used to get his best drugs.
- He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town, which doesn’t mean the kinky thing you think it means… because it means some other kinky thing entirely; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water, so while the women are away… camel time!
------- - Then he prayed, “Lord, God of my master Abraham, make me successful today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. And maybe get me some hot Nahorian strange. I’ve earned it. I had to touch that guy’s thigh and stuff.
- See, I am standing beside this spring, .. and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. Why can’t one of them ask me to touch their thigh?
- May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master. And if I get to bang her once to test the merchandise, on me as well.”
------- - Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder and a rope of sausage links around her neck. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor and the patron saint of lactation.
- The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her which he knew because of the t-shirt she wore that said, Check out my intact hymen! She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again, and slipping in a patch of cucumbers meant she very nearly lost that virgin status, but thankfully she only bruised her knee.
------- - The servant hurried to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water from your jar.”
------- - “Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.
------- - After she had given him a drink, she said, “I’ll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink.” With the majority of his prediction complete, he hoped to be able to have a go at her as well, but she quickly noticed his interest and said, “Eyes up here, pal.”
- So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, put on a lockable chastity belt to which only she knew the combination, and drew enough for all his camels.
- Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lord had made his journey successful, which only creeped her out more.
------- - When the camels had finished drinking (disproving that old adage about not being able to make them drink), the man took out a gold nose ring (and some additional body jewelry we’d rather not mention) weighing a beka, and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels.
- Then he asked, “Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?” Now she knew she regretted forgetting her pepper spray.
------- - She answered him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milkah bore to Nahor. And Nahor is really strong and can break you like a twig.”
- And she added, “We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night. Away from me. In another room. There’s a huge hint I’m dropping here. I hope you’re getting it. Oh and let me just add… eww.”
------- - Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord with a great deal of sarcasm,
- saying, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master, who gets to have some nookie, and yay for him.” He flipped his hair and grumbled, “As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master’s relatives, so that I get to fetch said nookie for him, and get nothing for myself. Great. Way to go, Lord.”
-------
The Lord said to him, “I get the hint, jerk. If you’d just maybe hit the gym every now and then… I’m just saying is all.”
------- - The young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things. They asked if she wanted them to come beat the creepy guy up for her, but she had been well taught in the art of Shem Fu, the martial arts of her people, and knew she could handle him easily.
- Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, who didn’t take no for an answer, and he hurried out to the man at the spring, saying, “You looking for something, mister?”
- As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, he stopped caring about what Rebekah said. He went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring.
- “Oh, wow. I like that gold, man. Come, you who are blessed by the Lord,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels, and you can totally buy my sister, or even just rent her for a bit if you want.”
------- - So the man went to the house, and while he was loaded on opium, the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet.
- Then food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say, and even then I’m not sure that I want to eat this. Got any veal?”
-------
“Then tell us,” Laban said, and realized he’d rather have veal as well, because he was sick of knish. That was all Rebekah seemed to make, so it was little wonder he was ready to sell her for cheap costume jewels.
------- - So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant.
- The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. Not that you’d know it from how poorly he provides for me. I know I’m dressed like a bum and creep you guys out.
- Meanwhile, my master’s wife Sarah has borne him a son in her old age, and he has given him everything he owns. You get to be with him. I get my right hand and rags.
- And my master made me swear an oath, and said, ‘You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, (which makes one wonder why live there, right?)
- but go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.’ Because you know how we like to keep it in the family and all.
------- - “Then I asked my master, ‘What if the woman will not come back with me?’ I mean I’m betting you have pepper spray you want to use on me, right?”
-------
Rebekah held up the canister.
------- - “I knew it. So he replied, ‘The Lord, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father’s family.’ He always talks like that. It’s really annoying.
- He said, ‘You will be released from my oath if, when you go to my clan, they refuse to give her to you—then you will be released from my oath.’
------- - “When I came to the spring today, I said, ‘Lord, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come.’ And of course I prayed that maybe I’d find some tail for myself. I mean I need love too you know.
- And I said, ‘See, I am standing beside this spring. If a young woman comes out to draw water and I say to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar,”
- and if she says to me, “Drink, and I’ll draw water for your camels too,” let her be the one the Lord has chosen for my master’s son.’
------- - “Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’
------- - “So as you can see, that’s exactly what she said. She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too.’ So I drank, and she watered the camels also. And therefore, clearly, since all that coincidence happened, can ya blame a guy for hoping she’d have a crack at me too?”
-------
Rebekah prepared to use the spray but her brother stopped her and said, “Totally.”
------- - “I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’
-------
“She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milkah bore to him.’
-------
“Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms and just handed her the naughtier pieces of jewelry of course, - and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord, who clearly doesn’t give a crap about me. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, the slave master who commands me, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son, so that I didn’t end up whipped or given cigarette burns again.
- Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”
------- - Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. But if you’re making this shit up, we’ll hunt you down and cut off your jewels.
- Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.” Laban quickly realized the gold would be going with her, and that left him with nothing, but he figured he could get himself a few more hos later.
------- - When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. He was still horny, but what are ya gonna do?
- Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. Laban finally got happy and even offered other sisters and bitches to him, but all of them were unbearably ugly, so he refused.
- Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there. They put out an air mattress for him. Sadly, he had nowhere to plug in his CPAP machine, however.
-------
When they got up the next morning, he said, “Got any Toaster Strudels?” but they did not, for the toaster had not yet been invented. “Send me on my way to my master.”
------- - But her brother and her mother replied, “Let the young woman remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.” And that’s the moment the servant first considered homicide.
------- - But he said to them, “Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master, and get the hell away from all those ugly bitches in your house. Some of them bite, you know.”
------- - Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” This was, of course, odd, that people would care what a young woman thinks in a time when people threw their daughters to rapists.
- So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man? Or would you like to stay another night and we’ll watch Ishtar on DVD?”
-------
“Oh holy shit will I ever go!” she said.
------- - So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way (armed with a tazer, just in case the servant got any ideas), along with her nurse and Abraham’s servant and his men.
- And they blessed Rebekah and said to her, for some reason in non-rhyming song:
-------
-------“Our sister, may you increase
---------to thousands upon thousands;
---------and may your womb not wear out
---------or get all stretched and gross.
-------And may your offspring possess
---------the cities of their enemies.
-------Except for Detroit, because it’s just nasty.”
------- - Then Rebekah and her attendants got ready and mounted the camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah (or so he wished!) and left.
------- - Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi where he had been taking lessons in Greco-Roman wrestling and enjoying being oiled up with other half naked men, for he was living in the Negev.
- He went out to the field one evening to meditate, (which is what he liked to call it when he waxed the bishop) and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching.
- Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel
- and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us? And why is he so naked and shiny?”
-------
“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself and hoped she could get some of that posing oil..
------- - Then the servant told Isaac all he had done, which was just as boring as when he retold all of his story earlier, I assure you. Thankfully we won’t go over all that again.
- Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah (which is not a strange place to take your wife if you’re a complete mama’s boy), and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, as usually happens when a woman marries someone, and he loved her and oiled her up and wrestled with her often; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death, though every now and then when he missed her he still liked to put on her clothes and cha cha.
Isaac and Rebekah
NOTES:
5 – Yes, there was a hankie code back in those days, and red meant the same then as it does now. However the hankie he actually flagged with was a striped mauve, which meant he was into nephews, as we covered in chapters past.
No comments:
Post a Comment