Saturday, June 8, 2013

Genesis 1: How to explain the world's origin by making shit up

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter One

Introduction to Genesis
How to explain the origin of the world in the same way that most parents explain where babies come from making shit up

If you only read one book this year, you seriously need to read more. But if you want it to be full of outrageous bullshit, make it either something by Bill O'Reilly, or the fabulous biblical text of Genesis. From a seven year creation story immediately contradicted by one involving goofy trees, to talking animals, people wanting to rape angels, people sleeping with their own sisters, God tricking people into murdering their only sons and then going, "Psyche!" but still calling the crazy person willing to do it a good guy, or a technicolor coated guy who was one of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends interpreting dreams, this book is for you! While many think it's a book designed to explain the origins of the world, it really only insists that it is here because it's here, and explains absolutely nothing of scientific reasoning, nor tries. That doesn't seem to stop people like Ken Hamm from taking it literally and dressing dinosaurs up in saddles, naturally. If anything this book, like most of the Old Testament's first books, is a hodge-podge collection of stories written by several sources and quilted together like one of Leatherface's masks, to try to explain how things had come to be the way they were a few thousand years ago. Since it's called the first of the Five Books of Moses, the fifth of which clearly describes his death, it's clear as can be that Moses had no hand in writing it. My guess is that the authors just really liked the smell of burning cattle, because they sure as hell insisted on people doing an awful lot of it.  I'm betting they'd be happy as hell that God didn't create PETA yet.

Genesis: Chapter One
Seven Days in a world not yet fucked up by gangster rap

  1. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Then he upgraded it to
    Windows Vista and it all fell to shit.
  2. Now the earth was* formless and empty, pretty much the entire thing looking like Oakland still does, but with slightly less police brutality... darkness was over the surface of the deep which Adele sang about, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters but he did not go, "Wheeeee!" because that would be silly.
  3. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. With that kind of ability anybody else would've said, "Let there be cocktails and hors d'oeuvres to kick off this Creation thing." God apparently needs Queer Eye for the Divine Guy.
  4. God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness using a stylish Oriental separator so as to retain the open concept of the universe.
  5. God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night.” Then he called the space in between "brunch" and invented the mimosa. And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.
  6. And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.”  And the Star Trek replicator made it so, though it got confused by how water is supposed to be separated by water. It made a world that was like a giant one of those liquid motion toys.
  7. So God made the vault but forgot the combination, and separated the water under the vault from the water above it, whatever the hell that means. And it was so. 
  8. God called the vault “sky.” And there was evening, and there was morning, and a bunch of pissed off union vault workers, the second day.
  9. And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. This is our story for how Florida came to look like America's penis, and we're sticking to it.
  10. God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good. Because His self aggrandizement blinded him to the waste of space that is Canada.*
  11. Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: and let me be specific; I mean the kind of vegetation that's green, not like Terry Schiavo, in other words seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it according to their various kinds, and as dirty as that sounds, no laughing.” And it was so. Although they did laugh a great deal behind His back.
  12. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds, if you will. And God saw that it was good. And He invented the salad.
  13. And there was evening, and there was morning—the very first Hump Day.
  14. And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, 
  15. and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And because He was alone, He was talking to the voices in His head. And the voices were all like, "Whaaaaat?" so he was like, "A sun and a moon and some stars, you idiots!" and they were all, "I know you didn't," and he was all, "I'll smite you," and then took His medication to make them shut up. And it was so. 
  16. God made two great lights, a strobe and a laser light, but that led to disco so he scrapped them and created two new ones—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars, though his constellations all looked like weird animals if you get stoned enough
  17. God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, 
  18. and there was tract lighting to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness and to direct the eye upwards so as to create a nice ambiance. And God saw that it was fabulous! 
  19. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.
  20. And God said, “Let the water teem with living creatures that taste delicious either cooked or raw over sushi rice, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky.” And the voices in his head were like, "Why do you keep calling the sky a vault?" but He ignored them. 
  21. So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living thing with which the water teems and that moves about in it, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good and realized that the National Geographic people were going to have a field day with this shit
  22. God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply in number.” And they were like, "You want us to eat a lot of fruit and do mathematical equations?" and God said, "You know what I mean, smart-asses."
  23. And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.
  24. And God said, “Thank Me it's Friday!" Then he said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the livestock, the creatures that move along the ground, and the wild animals, each according to its kind.” And the voices said, "Aren't you overthinking this? Maybe let evolution do this work and planning for you?" But He took another hit of drugs, and it was so. 
  25. God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, the walruses to look like Wilford Brimley, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good eatin'
  26. Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may share their clothes with us.”*
  27. -------So God created mankind in his own image,
    ---------because He was both Narcissistic and lacking in creativity;
    ---------male and female he created them
    ---------but to have fun He made some of them androgynous,
    ---------others identify as the opposite of their genotype,
    ---------and others just plain confused
  28. God blessed them especially the drag queens and said to them, “Get freaky and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it, but always respect its safe word, which is tofu. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.” This would be the mimosas talking, of course. God would have quickly realized what a mistake this was if He wasn't such a lush.
  29. Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food." Then mankind groaned. So God said, "You are going to eat your vegetables, young people, and you will not get up from the table until you do! 
  30. And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so before Monsanto came along and made it all theirs.
  31. God saw all that he had made, and it was okay but certainly had no cohesive sense of style like Michael Kors. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
1 - or possibly became, reads the NIV note. In other words, rather than making it formless and empty some people think there was a world before and then it became exactly what I am saying Windows Vista did to it all. Others think this explains what happens to the dinosaurs. I'm thinking God learned something from his first attempt so his second one shows those lessons, but he still needs to go easy on the cockroaches and boy bands.
10 - Oh please, you were thinking it too.
26 - It surely would've been better than telling people they can do whatever the fuck they want to the planet, which is what originally happens in this verse. Although I might reconsider that after imagining God wearing Crocs.