Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Genesis 32: Jacob’s Grudge Match with God, who’s not only a pussy, but a sore loser too

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Thirty-Two
Jacob’s Grudge Match with God, who’s not only a pussy, but a sore loser too
WRESTLING w GOD …………Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau
  1. Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him, because Jacob forgot to fill out the restraining order paper work.
  2. When Jacob saw them, he said, “This is the camp of God!”
    And they said, “Wow, that was random.”
    So he named that place Mahanaim, which means, Land of the guy that blurts stupid shit out for no good reason. In fact they almost called Tourrette’s diseases Mahanaim disease, but the guy who wanted to call it that kept telling the dictionary people to go fuck themselves.
  3. Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir the country of Edom, home of the world’s most annoying mimes.
  4. He instructed them: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your adopted!’ Ha! I’m just kidding. No but seriously, tell him: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. And those people seriously need to be on Hotel Impossible, because they can’t turn a room fit even for a drunk Kardashian! 
  5. I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, male and female servants. I also have shawarma, in case anybody’s hungry. It’s just something I heard about on the Avengers and I thought I’d try it out. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.’”
  6. When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, “We went to your brother Esau, and he’s still sore with you over the soup thing so he really didn’t think the adopted joke was funny.
    And Jacob said, “I told you I was only kidding about that! Why did you say that to him? You fucknuts!”
    And they replied, “Yeah well, now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him. You figure it out, you cheating little shit.
  7. In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, those who liked Anamaniacs, and those who hated Animaniacs, and the flocks and herds and camels as well, even though by and large the animals were indifferent towards Anamaniacs. Except this one duckling who hated it because he had an irrational fear of Dot.
  8. He thought, “If Esau comes and attacks one group, the group that is left may escape.” Since this was the brother who gave up everything for soup, Jacob was obviously overestimating his intellect.
  9. Then Jacob prayed, as lying sacks of shit who cheat people usually do when karma’s about to smack them in the ass, “O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, God of my mentor, Shlomo, Lord, you who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ and, ‘Jacob, I know you’re not thinking of going out in that shawl!’
  10. I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I am also the master of the understatement. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two camps and some very chic condos.
  11. Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, of whose hand I actually do deserve to die, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, as he should since I was such a shit to him, and also the mothers with their children. You know, someone who comes up with soup hustles and livestock swindles like me should think my brother is the shit who’d murder innocent women and kids, rather than my ancestors are going to do later in Canaan.
  12. But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.And I’m all like, you must be blind to actual justice, and therefore, far from infallible. Which kind of makes me wonder why I’d even think of praying to you if you’re that fucked up. You know now that I think of it, never mind, I got this.
  13. He spent the night there and racked up a huge fee in hotel pay-per-view porn, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: 
  14. two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams,
  15. thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. That these were the items he came up with while watching porn is quite disturbing.
  16. He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, “I’ll just be a few more hours in here, if you guys don’t mind. Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds. And if you don’t mind, have room service bring up some more hand towels, eh?
  17. He instructed the one in the lead: “When my brother Esau meets you and asks, ‘Would you care for a fudge covered pretzel?’ you really want to say no to that. And when he asks, ‘Who do you belong to, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?’ 
  18. then you are to say, ‘Dude, calm your tits! One question at a time! They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us. And well, really, he doesn’t own them so much as he rents-to-own from one of those crappy swindling Fingerhut places.’”
  19. He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: “You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. But you should say them in different accents so that he can be afraid the neighborhood is becoming too suburban. Maybe we can get him to run and take his place.
  20. And be sure to say, ‘Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.’” For he thought, “I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me. And maybe he’ll even let me use his hypoallergenic Snuggie.
  21. So Jacob’s gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp and took in a Traci Lords marathon.
    Jacob Wrestles With God
  22. That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, and I don’t mean in that way, so stop being dirty birdies! He took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. See how dirty that would have been if you’d thought that about all those people too? Stop laughing! I can hear you!!!
  23. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. Well, except for his secret stash of boy band music.
  24. So Jacob was left alone, and figured what the hell, he’d go over to the local gentlemen’s pub for some company, if you know what I mean, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. That, of course, is depending on what you consider wrestling, wink wink.
  25. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, (in other words, that Jacob’s was bigger, if you know what I mean) he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. And that, of course, is poor sportsmanship, no matter what sport you’re playing.
  26. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
    But Jacob replied, “Hey, you ever heard of a thing called reciprocity? Finish me off! I will not let you go unless you bless me, and by bless I mean… well, you know what I mean.”
  27. The man asked him, “What is your name? And can I have your phone number too?
    “Jacob,” he answered. And then Jacob, unimpressed with the man’s… ahem… stamina, gave him the phone number of the local taxidermist instead.
  28. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel (which means he who grasps the heal but by heal, we all know what Jacob was really grasping!), because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome. And made me come all over!
  29. Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
    But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” And God said this because He really sucks at making up fake names on the spot. He almost told Jacob his name was Brittney, and that would’ve been embarrassing! Then he blessed him there. Only by blessed I mean he really just blessed him, because his wrist was tired.
  30. So Jacob called the place Peniel, which means the place where I grabbed God’s peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and then some, and yet my life was spared.”
  31. The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel (which, after a night like that, wouldn’t rise again for a while), and he was limping because of his hip.
  32. Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon. Nobody has any clue what this means or what sense that makes, but if they knew what really happened they probably would never eat bull penis either.