Sunday, June 16, 2013

Genesis 10: A chapter only Wakko from the Animaniacs could make enjoyable

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Ten 
A chapter only Wakko from the
Animaniacs could make enjoyable
The Table of Nations
  1. This is the account of Shem, Ham and Japheth, Noah’s sons, who themselves had sons after the flood, and I don't mean how they flooded their wives, if you know what I mean...
    The Japhethites 
  2. The sons of Japheth: Gomer of Pile., Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshek Taylor from Designing Women, and Tiras. 
  3. The sons of Gomer: Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah, all of whom are proud of their gay father, thank you very much.
  4. The sons of Javan: Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittites and the Rodanites, who gave us Rodanthe and the unfortunate Nicholas Sparks book and film took place in.
  5. (From these the maritime peoples spread out into their territories by their clans within their nations, each with its own language. And this is where all the different languages came from, so ignore what I'm going to say in the next chapter about this.)
    The Hamites 
  6. -  - The sons of Ham: Cush, Egypt, Put and Canaan.
    -  -  And you thought they'd be named Pork, Bacon and Prosciutto.
  7. -  - The sons of Cush: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah and Sabteka
    -  -  and Ranma who kept changing her sex and moved to Japan.
    -  - The sons of Raamah: Sheba and Dedan.
  8. Cush was the father of Nimrod, .but a bad father he was for naming him such a discouraging name. Although if you'd ever met him, you may think he became a mighty warrior on the earth, but let's face it, he really was a big, dumb jock
  9. He was a mighty hunter before the Lord; that is why it is said, “Like Nimrod, a mighty hunter before the Lord, is wearing his underwear on the outside again; somebody help him.” 
  10. The first centers of his kingdom were Babylon, Uruk, Akkad, who became the Cajuns*, and Kalneh, in Shinar.
  11. From that land he went to Assyria, where he built Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, Calah 
  12. and Resen, which is between Nineveh and Calah—which is the great city. And in that great city he built a chain of restaurants called Nimrod's Fysh & Chips, but it went out of business pretty quickly since nobody wanted to eat food prepared by a nimrod who couldn't even spell "fish" correctly.  
  13. Egypt was the father of  Anna Nicole's baby, as well as...
    -  - the Ludites, Anamites, Lehabites, Naphtuhites, 
  14. -  - Pathrusites, Kasluhites (from whom the Philistines came
    -  -  after the Kasluhites "came" if you know what I mean.)
    -  -  and Caphtorites (inventors of Caphene, later called caffeine)-  -  - 
  15. Later the Canaanite clans scattered, smothered, and covered like Waffle House hash browns.  
  16. and the borders of Canaan reached from Sidon toward Gerar as far as Gaza,  .just beyond the Circle K and across from Vinnie's Adult Book Shop, and then toward Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah and Zeboyim, as far as Lasha. And stop laughing at the name, Zeboyim, in the voice of Jerry Lewis. It's not funny at all.
    - -  - 
  17. These are the sons of Ham by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations. And yes, all of his grandchildren refer to him as Granddaddy Porkchop.
    - -  - 
    The Semites 
  18. Sons were also born to Shem, whose older brother was Japheth; Shem was the ancestor of all the sons of Eber. Eber found out about this on the Maury Povich show and was incredibly pissed.
    - -  - 
  19. -  - The sons of Shem: Elam, Ashur, Arphaxad, Lud and Aram. 
  20. -  - The sons of Aram: Uz, Hul, Gether and Meshek.
  21. -  - Arphaxad was the father of Shelah, and Shelah the father of Eber,
    -  - who was just mentioned above. So if Shem actually fathered
    -  - all of his own grandchildren, it quickly becomes obvious that
    -  - these people had spread all the way out to Arkansas.
    -  - 
  22. Two sons were born to Eber:
    One was named Peleg, and was routinely beaten up for that silly name, because in his time the earth was divided. So apparently Peleg, in their language, meant dices, slices and makes julienne planets.  His brother was named Joktan, who was also beaten up a lot.
  23. Joktan was the father of
    -  -  -
    -  - Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, 
  24. -  - Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, 
  25. -  - Obal, Abimael, Sheba, 
  26. -  - Ophir, Havilah and Jobab. All these were sons of Joktan.
    -  -
    And with all these bizarre names, I think Wakko just keeled over dead.

  27. The region where they lived stretched from Mesha toward Sephar, in the eastern hill country where there is frequently heard the haunting sounds of malevolent banjo music
  28. These are the sons of Shem by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations. 
  29. These are the clans of Noah’s sons, according to their lines of descent, within their nations. From these the nations spread out over the earth after the flood. And nearly all of them had a penis larger than Noah, proving it wasn't just something that skipped generations. It just skipped him.

    The Anitsemites*
  30. These are the sons of bitches: Farrakhan, Mel Gibson, Donald Trump, most of the popes, Hitler, Billy Graham, Jerry Falwell...
10 - In actuality Akkadians did end up being called Cajuns in America, but it was from a different Akkadia. It's not unlike lazy-ass Americans changing the falsely named Indians into "injuns." Acadia is a part of America first settled by the French. It's actually part of Canada. Those who spoke this dialect of French eventually became the "Cajuns" whose food now causes us to shit fire-holes in our underwear. But it has nothing to do with this Akkadia, who instead invented underwear. His dietary preference is not known.
30 - Okay, chapter 10 actually stops at 29 verses. But if we're listing Semites are listed, then I figure we could add a little part to put down antisemites, who are called this because of their hatred of the Jews. Which is weird. Because they're called Jews for being descended from Judah. Which... you know what, just go with it.