Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Genesis 5: The many children of Eve's baby' daddy

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Five
The many children of Eve's baby' daddy
From Adam to Noah 
  1. This is the written account of Adam’s family line.
    -When God created mankind, he made them in the likeness of God. But as always, it went straight downhill from there.
  2. He created them male and female and blessed them, in an act that would henceforth create a dominant heteronormativity that, in reality, fooled absolutely no one, since even from the beginning Adam spent a little too much time in the shower at his gym. And God named them “Mankind” when they were created, because clearly he was a male chauvinist.
  3. When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son in his own likeness, in his own image; and he named him Seth. But since he was so old he mostly called the boy 'young whippersnapper' and told ridiculous tales about when he was young.
  4. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years and had other sons and daughters. They too were rotten little shits.
  5. Altogether, Adam lived a total of 930 years, and then he died. But before he died he uttered his last words:
    -------"You guys, remember how God said
    ---------if we eat of the tree we'll surely die?
    -------And the serpent said we would not?
    ---------Well, I'm nearly a thousand years old.
    -------It's about damned time I kick off, right?
    ---------I was starting to think God's a liar!"
    And then finally Adam bit the big one, bought the farm, pushed up daisies, kicked the bucket... he was no more. And Eve was thankful she wouldn't have to put out anymore.
  6. Seth had Enosh at 105 years of age,
  7. lived to 807 years and had other sons and daughters,
  8. died at 912.
  9. Enosh had Kenan at 90,
  10. had other sons and daughters,
  11. died at 905. 
  12. Kenan had Mahalalel at 70,
  13. had other sons and daughters,
  14. died at 910. 
  15. Blah...
  16. blah...
  17. blah...
  18. blah...
  19. fucking blah...
  20. blah...
  21. blah...
  22. Enoch had Methuselah and walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters... 
  23. lived a total of 365 years...
  24. and didn't die because God took him away. 
  25. Then Methuselah had kids...
  26. lived 782, longer than anyone...
  27. blah...
  28. blah...
  29. and finally had a son called Noah. He named him Noah and said, “He will comfort us in the labor and painful toil of our hands caused by the ground the Lord has cursed.” So if any of you religious people decide to call your son Noah, he's got some huge shoes to fill and better get his ass busy, pronto.
  30. After Noah was born, oh great, this shit again?
  31. Blah... blah... blah... 
  32. After Noah was 500 years old, he became the father of Shem, Ham and Japheth. And this is all great until you realize the guy named one of his sons Ham. That kid clearly gets beat up in school on a regular basis. Come to think of it, I should have a son and name him Bacon.