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Genesis: Chapter Seventeen
God finally speaks to man again, and He goes straight for the penis
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- When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, “Abram, you’re adopted! Just kidding. You’re not even that interesting I’m afraid. Anyway, I am God Almighty; walk before me faithfully and be blameless.
- Then I will make my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers, because promising that worked so well for me the first time.” ..
- - Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, ”Oh don’t grovel! If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s people groveling.”
“Sorry, Lord,” Abram replied.
“And don’t apologize,” the Lord answered. “Everytime I try to talk to someone it’s ‘Sorry this,’ and ‘Forgive me that,’ and ‘I’m not worthy.’”
But it appeared Abram was not paying attention, so the Lord asked, “What are you doing now?”
“I’m averting my eyes, O Lord.”
“Well don’t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing. Now knock it off!”
“Yes Lord,” Abram obeyed.*
- - “As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. Really good ones. Really stupid ones. Even nations with silly names like Zimbabwe or France.
- No longer will you be called Abram, for I want to give your name a radical change to show how much you’ve grown since I was first hallucinated by you; your name will be Abraham, for I have made you a father of many nations. Even that one Bjork is from, with the volcanoes with names that even I can’t pronounce.
- I will make you very fruitful, like Carmen Miranda’s hat; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. Even though I don’t want you to have kings, but that’s just the kind of contradictive hypocrite I am.*
- I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, (although when they ask for those kings I just promised you, I’ll hold it against them)*, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.
- The whole land of Canaan, where you now reside as a foreigner, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God. After your people kill everyone in it. But only after I have your descendents made into slaves in a foreign land and have to escape, and… well it’ll happen a long time from now and after lots of drama. It’s just how I roll.”
- - Then God said to Abraham, “As for you, you must keep my covenant, you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, even though I’m going to procrastinate the hell out of my end of it.
- This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised.”
And Abram was all like, “What’s that?”
And the Lord said, “That’s where you will cut off the foreskin from your penis.”
And Abram replied, “Wait a minute. You absolutely cannot stand me unless I mutilate my genitals?”
What followed was one of the most awkward conversations ever had between a man and his god. We shall spare you the details, but suffice it to say, Abraham caved in on the idea, meaning God must be one convincing son of a bitch. - “You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you.
- For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised because there’s absolutely nothing creepy about making a huge religious ceremony around a young boy’s penis at all! Including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner—those who are not your offspring, but have the unfortunate circumstance of knowing your penis-chopping ass.
- Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised. And they thought slavery sucked before! My covenant in your flesh is to be an everlasting covenant, because that foreskin will never grow back.
- Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant. So make sure before you deal with anybody anywhere that you check each other’s crotch first. This will be the greeting of your people.”
- - God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. Just Sarah. Like just Cher, or just Prince. Let’s not burden her down with extra names or she might end up with something as mouthy as Sarah Jessica Parker, which is such a mouthful that it just screams horse’s face.
- I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her. Or not. I may have you chuck him and start over. Not sure yet. I’ll get back to you on that.”
- - Abraham fell facedown, but not out of reverence. He was just drunk. He laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”
- And Abraham said to God, “Well yeah. I mean it’s not like that’s a big deal. Remember, Adam and Eve had Seth at the age of 130* so what the hell is making you act so damned shock, gramps?”
- - Then God said, “Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. Because if you try to name him something that you like, with your crazy taste in names, you’ll probably end up naming him something absurd, like Jebediah or Zebedee. Or maybe even Liberace. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. You know, after you slash his penis.
- And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: That boy has got to get a better hobby than parkour. He totally sucks at it and is gonna get himself killed! I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. I mean after all, what else should I spend my time doing but creating a bunch of enemies for your people?
- But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year. Because it’s not really any of their fault that they weren’t born under Isaac, but let’s go ahead and punish them anyway.”
- When he had finished speaking with Abraham, God went up from him and went for tacquitos.
- - On that very day Abraham took his son Ishmael and all those born in his household or bought with his money, every male in his household, and circumcised them, as God told him. They of course went along with it without thinking it to be absolutely fucked up at all.
- Abraham was ninety-nine years old when he was circumcised, meaning he cut one very shriveled foreskin off of himself,
- and his son Ishmael was thirteen, and this was the first time anyone had touched his member, which is why he actually spilled his seed during the process;
- Abraham and his son Ishmael were both circumcised on that very day, so they were able to glance at each other and compare. Ishmael had even more to be jealous of, as it turns out.
- And every male in Abraham’s household, including those born in his household or bought from a foreigner, was circumcised with him. And that, my friends, is why we focus so much attention on penises in this culture. It’s not gay or anything, is it?
The Covenant of Circumcision
NOTES:
3 – This is not stolen from Monty Python’s Holy Grail at all. Remember, the Spirit of the Lord is writing this, not me. I simply hold the pen. Well, put my hands on the keyboard, and the Spirit types through me. I guess it just so happens that they had a word-for-word conversation like out of that film. But don’t blame me. God’s the plagiarist. Not me.
6 – It’s true. God was against kings in 1 Kings chapter 8 but granted them to the people. Hard to hold it against people if he planned kings from Abraham all along, don’t you think?
7 – I mean really, this isn’t a contradiction or anything at all in this infallible bible thingie, is it?
18 – True story! See Genesis chapter 5 verse 3.
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