Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Seven
Clearly Isaac was a bear chaser, blessing his “favorite” son (or so he thinks)
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When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, and he finally could find his teeth and put them back in so that he didn’t speak with that toothless lisp, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, “My son.” He was glad he found the teeth because he didn’t want to say, “My Shun.” That would be humiliating, and he was not Sean Connery.
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“Here I am,” he answered, quickly stashing away the many brochures for retirement homes he had been perusing.
------ Isaac said, “I am now an old man and don’t know the day of my death. Not that anybody really knows the day of their death. Unless maybe they were on Death Row or something. But I’m not. I’m pretty sure the day of my death will be soon, because it’s not like I’m a spring chicken anymore or anything. But I went on another of my senior moment tangents again, didn’t I? Oh, and I’ve also wet myself. Please help me change, my shun.” He’d realized his dentures had fallen out on that last word. Soon he had placed them back in and was wearing dry clothes, and felt all better.
- “Now then, get your equipment—your quiver and bow, not your crochet stuff… can’t believe you actually do that stuff, nancy boy—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me.
- Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die. You know, just in case I’ll die after the meal, not that I know for sure the day I’ll die, as I just said. Although what if I were to die before you finish my meal? Oh no, I hadn’t thought of that. On second thought, maybe I should… no, I’m really hungry. Just make it a quick stew. Or maybe just a microwave pizza or something. I really could slip out any moment.” And Esau was glad the old man was planning his kicking of the bucket because it was the only way the old fucker would ever shut up!
----- - Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. She was getting sick of his blathering as well. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back,
- Rebekah said to her son Jacob, “Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau,
- ‘Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the Lord before I die.’
- Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you:
- Go out to the flock and bring me—hey, JACOB!” Jacob had gotten distracted by something shiny, so she had to call his attention back into focus, like she always had to. He was the prettier of the two sons, but he definitely had a few screws loose just like his dad, although he didn’t have old age as an excuse. “As I was saying, Jacob, bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. Take that out of your mouth.”
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“But I don’t wanna!”
----- - “I know, honey, but you’ll choke. Just do what I said. Then take the food to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies.”
----- - Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man while I have smooth skin.
- What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him (or let’s face it, I am tricking him, so I guess I wouldn’t be merely appearing to) and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing. I know! I’ll go put on a gorilla suit. And then I’ll work up a sweat so I smell the same as my brother. Where are my running shoes? Oh yeah! I have to take my mp3 player too. Wait, I’m gonna have to go buy batteries for it. Do you have a twenty? I’m thinking I’ll pick up some—”
----- - “Jacob!” his mother said to him, “My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me.”
----- - So he went and, after several distractions and weird tangents (one of which took him to a head shop where he might’ve never been torn away from all the shiny bongs) he got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it.
- Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob, which was not easy since he squirmed a lot, and kept unbuttoning things the second she had them on him.
- She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins, which might not have been as easy to wear as the gorilla suit but helped him smell right without having to go for a jog.
- Then she handed to her son Jacob the tasty food and the bread she had made, and walked him all the way to the door so that he wouldn’t get sidetracked and chase after squirrels or anything.
----- - He went to his father and said, “My father.”
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“Yes, my son,” he answered. “Who is it?”
----- - Jacob said to his father, “I am Esau your firstborn, and I saw a turtle outside. Do you like turtles? I love them. I like to pretend they’re walking rocks and I can talk to them and tell them my deepest secrets. Would you like to play checkers? We haven’t played in forever.”
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“I know, right?” Isaac said, “but I can’t see anything so I can’t really play.”
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“How about I Spy?”
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“Now Esau, that doesn’t make any sense. Is it chilly in here to you? I want ice cream but it hasn’t been invented yet. I wish it had been invented. I’d really love to have some ice cream.”
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“I’d like turtle flavor ice cream! Ha! Get it? Turtle? Because I like turtles? Although it’s not really made out of turtles. Although I’ve never eaten a turtle so I don’t know. Maybe turtle meat tastes like nuts and chocolate and caramel. That would be weird. Why are you scratching your butt so much, dad?”
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“Because, son, I have diaper rash. You wanna smell my hands? They smell funny…” and the two of them kept going like this for the next hour and a half before Jacob finally remembered to say, “I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing. I think it’s probably turtle or something. Hey, when you die can I have your monkey sculpture? I like monkeys. They remind me of grandma. You ever kill anybody? I bet turtles never kill anybody. They’re too slow.”
----- - Isaac asked his son, “How did you find it so quickly, my son?” He of course had lost all grasp of time in his senility.
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“The Lord your God gave me success,” he replied. “At least I think it was God. It might’ve been that I got lucky. Or the game might’ve committed suicide. I bet a lot of turtles want to kill themselves because it’s boring going so slow. I wonder if snails kill themselves a lot too. I think I forgot to put underwear on today. Did you ever tell grandma she looks like a monkey? She really does. I mean I wasn’t going to tell her that while she was alive, but I’ll bet she knew.”
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By now there was a loud thumping sound as the eavesdropping Rebekah was growing impatient and sick of their insane ramblings and began banging her head into the wall. They both noticed for a second, but of course, only for a mere second.
----- - Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Come near so I can touch you, my son. Oh yeah… oh that’s nice… you been working out?”
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“Dad!” Jacob protested, finally realizing what must’ve been transpiring all those lengthy times he’d called Esau into the cottage with him, and why Esau always had that worried look.
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“Sorry, sorry, son. Oh yes. Anyways, just wanted to know whether you really are my son Esau or not.”
----- - Jacob went close to his father Isaac, who touched him and said, “The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau. Here, let me check the—”
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“Dad!” Jacob yelled, jerking away from his wandering hand.
----- - He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he proceeded to bless him.
- “Are you really my son Esau?” he asked.
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“I am,” he replied, even though he’d had this suspiciously long dialogue of doubt and even suspected it might not be so, Isaac finally just said what the fuck to himself and swallowed the lie.
----- - Then he said, “My son, bring me some of your game to eat, so that I may give you my blessing.”
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Jacob put it onto a tray with wheels and pushed it toward him with a long stick, and he ate; and he brought some wine and he drank. - Then his father Isaac said to him, “Come here, my son, and kiss me.”
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“Really? That’s why you gave him you, I mean, give me your blessing?” He grabbed one of the goats outside really quick so he could use the goat’s lips, meanwhile praying to God so incredibly hard the damned thing didn’t bleat. Then remembered it was Esau he was trying to impersonate, and figured even still....
----- - So he kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said,
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-----“Ah, the smell of my son
-------is like the smell of a field
-------that the Lord has blessed.
-----That is the power of Old Spice!
-------(And there isn’t anything creepy about this at all!) - -----May God give you heaven’s dew
-------and earth’s richness—
-------an abundance of grain and new wine. - -----May nations serve you
-------and peoples bow down to you.
-----May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose.
-----May an elephant caress you with its toes.
-----May your wife be plagued with runners in her—”
“Dad! That’s from an old song.*”
-----“Be lord over your brothers,
-------and may the sons of your mother bow down to you.
-----And may you find a cute otter-boy of your own to love
-------so that you will get some of that good ol’ stuff
-------that your wife will never be able to give you.
-----May those who curse you be cursed
-------and those who bless you be blessed,
-------and those who are indifferent can just get bent.”
----- - After Isaac finished blessing him, and Jacob had scarcely left his father’s presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting.
- He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, “My father, please sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing.”
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His father, of course, was old and senile as hell. The logical thing to happen here is that he would completely have forgotten to have done this before and to completely go through the entire thing again. Strangely this didn’t happen though, meaning that he had apparently a rare moment of clarity.
----- - His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?” Or he was just completely gone, apparently.
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“I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.”
----- - Isaac trembled violently and said, “Pink stars are falling! Pink stars are falling in lines!” Esau slapped him in the face really hard and told him, again, why he was here. “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed! Because I blessed the living shit out of him. I mean seriously, I blessed him so hard he’s not gonna walk right for a month!”
----- - When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me—me too, my father!”
----- - But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing. And now I’m all blessed out. I may need a Redbull or something.”
----- - Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob?* Maybe you should’ve named him Donald Trump, the way he steals everything! This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?” Apparently Isaac hadn’t signed on to an limited blessing plan like they have at G-Mobile or Omni-PCS, but instead went with one of those expensive, limited Horizon blessing accounts that only allowed for so many Bless-MS messages per month. But at least he’d never had any dropped blessings, because those are incredibly annoying!
----- - Isaac answered Esau, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. I also gave him your crochet stuff. Sorry about that. So what can I possibly do for you, my son? You still have your bow and quiver though, so there’s that!”
----- - Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father! What kind of stupid ass world do we live in where something as stupid as blessings, which is nothing but a bunch of meaningless fucking words anyway, are limited?” Then Esau wept aloud and stomped off to his room and slammed the door, screaming, “IT’S NOT FAIR!”
----- - His father Isaac answered him, loudly, through the door, while rolling his blind eyes:
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-----“Your dwelling will be
-------away from the earth’s richness,
-------away from the dew of heaven above. - -----You will live by the sword
-------and you will serve your brother.
-----But when you grow restless,
-------you will throw his yoke
-------from off your neck.”
----- - Esau had no idea what the hell this meant or why he’d say anything so lacking of passion. I mean seriously, taking one for the team every night letting dear old dad fondle you while he waxed his blessing bone, if you know what I mean, and this is all he gets? Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob. As God is my witness, I want my crocheting stuff back, dammit! I was in the middle of an afghan, you sonofa—”
----- - When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, because he was apparently too stupid to realize he could say these things to himself silently, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, “Your brother Esau is planning to avenge himself by killing you. I mean even if you deserve it, and you tooootally do, murdering is just wrong.
- Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Harran. Besides, he likes his boys smooth anyway, so that’s a good thing going for you.
- Stay with him for a while until your brother’s fury subsides. Or until he gets his gullible ass killed somehow. Not saying he’s dumb, but I’m really glad the internet doesn’t exist yet because he’s the exact demographic that Nigerian prince email would be aiming for.
- When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?”
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She hadn’t lost anybody that day, so why she said this is beyond anybody’s understanding.
----- - Then Rebekah said to Isaac, in an incredibly random statement, “I’m disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. I mean honestly, they’re the kind of horrible women that would probably, oh I don’t know, talk their sons into tricking their father’s out of blessings or something. Such no account women! If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living.”
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Oh the fucking irony.
NOTES:
29 – May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose – Little Jimmy Dickens, 1965.
36 – Notes on this verse in the NIV read: “Jacob means he grasps the heel, a Hebrew idiom for he takes advantage of or he deceives.” Now this is why people should just stop blindly taking shit right out of the bible, because every boy you know named Jacob is pretty much named a big fat fucking heel-grasping liar. But let’s face it, if this is what the name means, why would you give it to him in the first place? Forget what happened when they were born (Genesis 25:26). I mean if your twins were born and one of them was grabbing the other one by the crotch, what would you name him then? Probably best just to name him something that’s completely irrelevant to the situation if you ask me.
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