Genesis: Chapter Fourteen
A Bunch of Warmongers you won't give a shit about, and rescuing Lot from kidnapping Sodomites
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Abram Rescues Lot
- At the time when Amraphel was king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer king of Elamand Tidal king of Goyim, and the woman crowned Miss Utah was able to answer a question properly,
- these kings went to war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboyim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar). They had falsely accused these places of having weapons of ass destruction. That's not a typo. I meant to say ass. It is Sodom after all.
- All these latter kings joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (that is, the Dead Sea Valley) and called their army the Bershanabmeboyibela Army by joining their names together, but the next morning they sobered up and realized it sounded like something you catch from a hooker, so they decided not to use it after all.
- For twelve years they had been subject to Kedorlaomer*, (whose name sounds like the drug you'd take for Bershanabmeboyibela) but in the thirteenth year they rebelled. What this has to do with anything, and why you should even care, remains a mystery.
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- - In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim
- and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert. Now, your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to try to pronounce that entire sentence three times fast while drunk.
- Then they turned back and went to En Mishpat (that is, Kadesh, which doesn't sound nearly as ridiculous to pronounce, so we don't know why we didn't just say Kadesh in the first place), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazezon Tamar. We know. Woohoo and stuff, right? Right.
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- - Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboyim and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) marched out and drew up their battle lines (live on FoxNews, just like Geraldo did that one time) in the Valley of Siddim
- against Kedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goyim, Amraphel king of Shinar and Arioch king of Ellasar—four kings against five.
- Now the Valley of Siddim, much like Paris Hilton, was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and made tar angels until they died, and the rest fled to the hills where they lost all their money in the casinos and lived in poverty ever after.
- The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away to find out it was all contaminated with crab lice, from which they suffered for months.
- They also carried off Abram’s nephew Lot and his possessions, since he was living in Sodom. He, too, was crab-ridden, but that probably came from his uncle.
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- - A man who had escaped came and reported this to Abram the Hebrew, for he was hoping for a reward. Now Abram was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite, a brother of Eshkol and Aner, all of whom were allied with Abram. We've never mentioned them before because we really don't care about tree hugging hippies.
- When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household and went in pursuit as far as Dan. Before you ponder why he had so many men in his household and what he was training them for, let's just remember that he and his wife aren't yet to that point where it says they were too old to have kids, and yet he wasn't getting busy with her to make any. So there's that.
- During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus.
- He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people. Lot of course had 318 men to thank for his rescue now, meaning he wasn't going to be walking normally for months.
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- - After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King’s Valley).
- - Then Melchizedek* king of Salem brought out bread and wine and some of the strangest inflatable toys you've ever seen. Mostly it was the sheep-shaped one that I found the most disturbing. He was priest of God Most High,
- and he blessed Abram, saying,
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- -------“Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
------- Creator of heaven and earth. -------And in his honor we too will get high,
----------and see whose manhood has the most girth! - -------And praise be to God Most High,
------- who delivered your enemies into your hand.
-------Now pass all the beers, and let's sing some cheers,
----------and everyone take off their pants!*”
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- Then Abram gave him a tenth of everything, except from his porn stash. -
- - The king of Sodom said to Abram, “Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself,” for he'd always dreamed of having 318 men at one time. -
- But Abram said to the king of Sodom, “With raised hand I have sworn an oath to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth,
- that I will accept nothing belonging to you, be it latex or vibrating, or filled with white powder, not even a thread or the strap of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich or drunk or have any nasty blackmail material on me, for your reputation for slipping people roofies is well known.’
- I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me—to Aner, Eshkol and Mamre. Let them have their share. And okay, you can roofie a few of them. I don't blame you for your chubby.”
NOTES:
4 - Possible side effects of Kedorlaomer include testicular rash, the urge to fly south for the winter, herpes of the esophagus, antibiotic resistant butt pirates, hormonally screaming about waffles in public places, dingleberries, violent belch attacks, and the sudden escape of your lungs. Call your doctor if you start to crave anal penetration from a horse.
18 - Melchizadek is so briefly mentioned here so that he's not even remotely important. Yet in the New Testament, after someone points out that the whole thing with Jesus being both king of Jews and a priest in touch with God is forbidden to their rule, the book of Hebrews desperately mentions him to justify this by saying he was in the "Order of Melchizadek," because apparently he was both a king and a person who carried out priestly duties. Why should you care? You shouldn't. I like the idea of a separation of church and state as much as possible, but apparently the bible does not. In other words, todays religious politicians are, I guess you could say, in the order of Melchizadek. Which is so much nicer than saying self-righteous assholes.
20 - Finally poetry that rhymes!
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