Friday, March 28, 2014

Genesis 34: The first marriage leads to a lot of crotch mangling

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Genesis: Chapter Thirty-Four
The first marriage leads to a lot of crotch mangling
Shechemites Die ------Dinah and the Shechemites
  1. Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, and world record winner of the person who has been in a kitchen with the most people, went out to visit the women of the land. No homo.
  2. When Shechem, son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, and the first Arabic man ever to use less than a pound of sequins in his wardrobe, saw her, he took her and raped her because he had some time to kill before happy hour at the Camel Lounge.
  3. His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and let’s face it by his actions, his heart wasn’t the only organ; he loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her. You know. As he raped her. Because he was such a romantic.
  4. And Shechem said to his father Hamor, “Get me this girl as my wife.” Because this situation wasn’t creepy enough.
  5. When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock and, well okay, the idea of defiling them sounded fun, but he had other fish to fry; so he did nothing about it until they came home. Why hurry?
  6. Then Shechem’s father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob, saying, “So, what’s got two index fingers and had a fun time with your daughter last night?” He was going to point to his son 
  7. Meanwhile, Jacob’s sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were shocked and furious, and a little bit jealous of Dinah admittedly but mostly that first thing. Because Shechem had done an outrageous thing in Israel by sleeping with Jacob’s daughter—a thing that should not be done. At least, not without consent. Right? Right???
  8. But Hamor said to them, “My son Shechem has his heart set on your daughter. He had more than his… okay, I already did that joke, I’m sorry. Please give her to him as his wife.
  9. Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves.
  10. You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade in it, and acquire property in it. And since your people are proficient in running a deli, so I hear, that would be super!
  11. Then Shechem said to Dinah’s father and brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and shelter in your big, muscly arms, and I will give you whatever you ask.
  12. Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I’ll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the young woman as my wife.” And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
  13. Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob’s sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. They pretended that Dinah was actually desirable and not ridden with the clap.
  14. They said to them, “We can’t do such a thing; we can’t give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us.” This was really just a ploy to get him to drop his pants, of course. 
  15. “We will enter into an agreement with you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. And your mules.  Basically anything with a foreskin that’s big enough to wear as a hat.
  16. Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We’ll also swap Pokemon cards. We’ll settle among you and become one people with you.
  17. But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we’ll take our sister and go.”
    And one of them said, “There goes the neighborhood,” under his breath, but nobody heard him, thankfully.
  18. Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. Mostly because they hadn’t looked up the meaning of the word circumcision yet. But once they found out what it meant, it was too late to back out.
  19. The young man, who was the most honored of all his father’s family, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob’s daughter. And he was a grade-A ass kisser.
  20. So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to the men of their city. At first the guy at the gate didn’t want to let them in, but after crying a lot, he caved in and let them see the wizard. He even gave them a ride there on a color-changing horse, and… wait, that’s Wizard of Oz. My bad.
  21. “These men are friendly toward us,” they said. “Maybe a little too friendly. In fact, the short one keeps calling me daddy, and I have no idea why. Anyways, let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours. What you do with their sons is another matter, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  22. But the men will agree to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are. Not sure why they’re so obsessed with this circumcision thing, but hey, one of us did rape one of their daughters, so whatever it is, I say let’s go for it. How bad could it be?
  23. Won’t their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? Probably even their FarmVille stuff too! So let us agree to their terms, and they will settle among us.
    And as often happens when people don’t fully understand the terms and conditions they agree to, they came to regret this decision.
  24. All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised. After that, they never listened to anything Hamor and Shechem said again.
  25. Three days and twelve palettes of Brill Cream later, while all of them were still in pain, not as much from the actual circumcision but from the argument over why doing so makes any sense at all, two of Jacob’s sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male. Remember that, everybody, when you have your kids’ foreskins whacked, that you’re doing what was used in the dishonest massacre of an entire people for the action of one guy. Kol ha kavod!*
  26. They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem’s house and left.
  27. The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies (and I don’t mean it that way, pervert!) and looted the city where their sister had been defiled.
  28. They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields. They basically left the place like an angry ex girlfriend—stripped of all goods and with all the men suffering from damaged crotches.
  29. They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses except the waterbeds. I mean really, who sleeps on those things other than creepy rapey people anyway?
  30. Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me obnoxious to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed.”
  31. But they replied, “Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute? I mean, our sister was like, you know, raped and stuff? Helloooo!?! That still accounts from something, right? Right?!?!?”*
25 – A Hebrew way of saying, “Job well done!”
31 – And so that is a story from the Bible, from whence your morals are supposed to hail. A tale of a man who couldn’t care less that his daughter was raped, opposed by his two sons who didn’t mind massacring lots of people who had nothing to do with the rape. Biblical values, everybody!