Genesis 29: Jacob goes a long way for a chick he doesn’t even realize he wasn’t banging

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Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Nine

Jacob goes a long way for a chick he doesn’t even realize he wasn’t banging

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-------Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram

1. Then Jacob continued on his journey and came to the land of the eastern peoples. Which was weird since he’d either traveled west, or his compass was a piece of shit.
2. There he saw a well in the open country, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. This well was not filled with water, but with Brawndo, which had the electrolytes that sheep crave. The stone over the mouth of the well was large and, one might say, the well was a deep subject, if one wants to be smoted for bad puns.
3. When all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone away from the well’s mouth and water the sheep. Then they would return the stone to its place over the mouth of the well. And after that, one of the shepherds would make the usual joke about wishing they could roll a giant stone into the mouth of their wife and shut her up, and there was much laughter.
   
4. Jacob asked the shepherds, “My brothers, where are you from? And why do you all smell like fried cabbage?”
   
   “We’re from Harran,” they replied.
   
5. He said to them, “That explains everything!” And while we’re not entirely sure why he said this, it might help to know that Harran meant he who doesn’t like to eat anything that isn’t slathered in grease. It is, of course, not unlike Persia in that regard. “Do you know Laban, Nahor’s grandson?”
   
   “Yes, we know him,” they answered. “Of course we know him. Obviously all Harranites must know each other, you git! What do you think, we all look alike too?”
   
6. Having no grasp of the art of sarcasm, Jacob asked them, “Is he well?”
   
   “Yes, he is,” they said, “and he loves to do naughty things with our sheep each and every night. You look like you do too!” This drew laughter from all but one person who reminded the taunting shepherd that Laban was the kid he’d pay for handies. “ Oh wait, here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep.” And then Jacob did look, and there was indeed a woman with the sheep. And he saw that she was fugly. But hey, after all that time wandering in a desert, any nookie will do.
   
7. “Look,” Jacob said, “the sun is still high and yet we are not; it is not time for the flocks to be gathered. Water the sheep and take them back to pasture.”
   
8. “We can’t,” they replied, “until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep.”
   
9. While he was still talking with them, which must’ve gone on because of how deep a subject this was… *smite* …OW!!! Sorry, sorry… Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherd, and since she was also a part-time exotic dancer she brought her father’s whip to keep touchy boys at bay.
10. When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of his uncle Laban, and Laban’s sheep (and sadly I must report here, especially his sheep, for they looked better to him), he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle’s sheep, thinking to himself, Oh yeah, Dolly, drink up. We want you nice a moist.
11. Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud realizing that his lips had hit hers when he’d meant them for Dolly.
12. He told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father. And while the chick was away, he and the sheep would play, if you know what I mean.
    
13. As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister’s son, he quickly hid his stash and hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home (which was a rough sell until Jacob realized Laban kissed better than Dolly the sheep), and there Jacob told him all these things.
14. Then Laban said to him, “You are my own flesh and blood. Let’s celebrate by getting wasted!”
    
    Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel
    After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, Laban’s not-so-subtle hints to start apartment hunting were clearly going nowhere. 
15. Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing?” Which is a passive/aggressive way of saying that if he didn’t get any career ambitions for real money, he’ll be a horrible husband. “Tell me what your wages should be.”
    
16. Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. The fact we’re bringing this up right after he asked about wages is a little disturbing, we know, but we were only planning on renting one of them out by the hour. 
17. Leah had weak eyes, which in their culture means that she is a witch and must be burned on the spot, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. So Jacob of course was torn between the two.
18. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” And then he noticed that she liked watching Sex and the City, so he figured, five years tops.
    
19. Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man.” You know, because he was clearly concerned and stuff. “Stay here with me.”
20. So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her. This is how big a sap he was, and why he was always getting wedgied by the other slaves on the farm.
    
21. Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.” Now of course this is what you should say to a man about his daughter. If only he’d explained in great detail what he’d hoped to do to her, maybe while punching his fist into a can of Crisco for sound effects.
    
22. So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast, but nothing that fancy, and certainly no oysters.
23. But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. Because after so many highballs, any vagina will do.
24. And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant. Yes. There were people in the world who’d name their daughter Zilpah on purpose.
    
25. When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”
    
26. Laban replied, “Do you even bother looking at the bitch before you stick it in?” Just kidding. That’s not what he said. What he really said was dumber: “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one.” Told you. 
27. “Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.” And at this point, Jacob, like Leah, felt supremely fucked. Biblical values, everybody! Biblical values.
    
28. And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. Rachel was like, “It’s about damned time! Hearing him and Leah getting it on made me all kinds of randy!”
29. Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. Yeah. Bilhah. You heard that correctly. Suddenly the name Bianca doesn’t sound so much like a girl who’s mom was stoned and uppity when she named her, now does it?
30. Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. They even broke the bed. And he worked for Laban another seven years. Now the moral of the story, were it to reflect actual reality, is that no woman is ever going to be worth this much trouble. But this is the Bible, so don’t go expecting any reality.
    
    Jacob’s Children
31. When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. An all-knowing god should’ve been able to see ahead of time to this problem, and to make it so that Leah wasn’t a dog, if he was so invested in her being wanted by the wandering doofus boy.
32. Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, rather than something stupid sounding like Bilhah or Mooborp, for she said, “It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.” You know, because nothing makes a man hornier for a woman than her after-baby weight. So clearly that didn’t work.
    
33. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too, because clearly the Lord knows that I have all that extra time on my hands, not being humped by my husband.” So she named him Simeon, which means the kid that would receive a lot of awkward physical attention from horny mommy.
    
34. Again she conceived, because clearly she was not getting love from her husband or anything, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi, which means I really don’t learn anything do I?
35. She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord. I mean after all, it’s not like my husband’s around much to praise him! So I’ll just praise someone who is invisible.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children because by now her uterus had fallen out from all the love she wasn’t getting.