Friday, February 28, 2014

I'm confiscating the word LITERALLY from the English language

I don't just mean that using literally when you mean figuratively is the problem. That's only a small part of the problem with this word's overuse. Please read carefully and you'll see what I mean.

Yes, I know this isn't biblically related and seems off-topic to this blog, but I am about to go fucking postal, people. Those of you overusing the word, literally, in the stupidest ways imaginable lately have begun to drive me out of my freakin' mind. 

Now please notice I didn't say literally out of my mind because that's NOT how that word is used, people! Because it's figuratively out of my mind, but that's not even the biggest problem with people over-using this word. 

And it's not just me who's noticed how people have lately been blurting it out worse than teenage girls use the word like as every other word of all their damned sentences:

But apparently it's not new to do so, as the following video demonstrates, showing the many people in literary history who have done the same...

Please notice I didn't say who have literally done the same because there's NO FUCKING NEED TO USE THE WORD THERE! And that's the point I'm about to make...

So if above I'd said teenage girls used "like" as literally every other word, that would be believable hyperbole, but I didn't use it there because it's stupid. I refrained. Please do the same. It's not really needed for hyperbole, as I'll explain later. It's not witty when you people use it in this manner. It's merely this crazy trend for people to use it constantly without any thought whatsoever. It's the opposite of witty. It's witless. Notice I didn't say it's literally witless because there's NO NEED to use the word there. 

Again, everyone is aware of the way it's incorrectly used by people like Zack here:

But even still, I don't even care if you're using it technically correct according to the dictionary, or if you're using it in some intended hyperbole. I'm pulling the plug on this word NOW. 

Listen up people. There's a way that this word is meant to be used and a reason most of you are not intelligent enough to do so correctly. And that reason actually cannot be stated through cold dictionary terminology. The only reason for this word to be used is to differentiate from the figurative meaning of a literary phrase. A literary phrase, such as blind as a bat, used so often that it's become known as a dead metaphor, but you really mean it in the literal sense rather than the figurative. That's the ONLY reason to ever use this word. Not everything in life is literary. Not everything in life has a dead metaphor behind it that you need to distinguish your overblown thing you're talking about so as to differentiate it from a figurative meaning.

Of the past 100 times that I've heard the word used, I would have to say that merely 3 or 4 of those times had the word used correctly. Notice I didn't say literally 3 or 4 times because "literally" is NOT supposed to be synonymous with "merely" or "virtually," despite what that lady above said. I said merely. I wanted to put emphasis on the number, but I didn't use literally to do so, like you all seem to do all the time, because THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT WORD IS FOR!!!!!

Listen up: Zack from the Big Bang Theory meant that "million years" thing as hyperbole, and it would come across as hyperbole without the word literally. That is why literally wasn't even needed. No adverb was needed there at all. If you're tempted to use literally just to add emphasis, don't. 

Before you ever again use the word, literally, please ask yourself if you're using it for this particular purpose:

"I really didn't want to stay through the entire show. I was just there to see the number where my sister sang her song and then I left. So you can literally say it was over for me when the fat lady sings."

If the answer is no... then DON'T FUCKING USE THE WORD! You'll notice you probably don't need any word in most of the moments when you do use it. Your words probably stand on their own. Like when I said I haven't heard the word used correctly the past 80 times I've heard it. That right there said all I needed to say. To add literally is to add an unnecessary word that is only being used stupidly anyway.

In the example above, there is a proverbial or figurative saying that something isn't over until "the fat lady sings." In this sentence the speaker is actually differentiating between the figurative by saying that he means it literally. This is the only reason you'll ever truly need to use this word. Why do I keep repeating myself? Because I want this shit to sink in to your skull. I do not want it to literally sink into your skull, no. I want it to figuratively do so. No reason to use literally there. None whatsoever.

The differentiation from the figurative is the only reason you'll ever truly need to use this word. Notice I didn't say it is literally the only reason you'll ever truly need to use this word, because I already had truly for emphasis. Also, too many adverbs make a sentence clunky. But mostly, and I just want to repeat this so it sinks in, THAT'S NOT HOW THAT FUCKING WORD IS USED!!!

As I said, your life is not so fucking profound that everything in it is literary. You don't literally go down to the store, and that's because you've never figuratively gone down to the store. You just go to the fucking store, okay? You don't need to add drama to everything you do. And even when you do want to add emphasis, please add dramatic words that make some goddamned sense. Like, "I practically just went to the store," or "You won't believe how I  just went to the store." And again, do these sentences sound stupidly overdramatic? If so, then adding literally to them not only added unnecessary drama to your sentence, but does so by using a word stupidly in the process.

So let's stop using the word all together. Because let's face it, I really can't trust you to use it correctly. And again, notice I didn't say I literally can't trust you because THAT'S.... FUCKING....... STUPID!!!