Thursday, August 1, 2013

Genesis 25: Isaac's wife has a tribble baby who grows up to be a soup addict

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Five
Isaac’s wife has a tribble baby who grows up to be a soup addict

itsamuppet -------The Death of Abraham

  1. Abraham had taken another wife, whose name was Keturah, but who was predictably half his age, like all second wives.
  2. She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. The youngest one in curls. Notice, however, that nobody went through a whole rigmarole about how someone so bloody old could have so many kids. That’s because the world changed with Viagra.
  3. Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan; the descendants of Dedan were the Ashurites, the Letushites and the Leummites, the ancestor of those people who constantly try to offer you free vacations at fairs.
  4. The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanok, Abida and Eldaah. All these were descendants of Keturah and all of these looked just like the creatures of Midian as you would expect if you’ve ever seen Night Breed, except without a head full of tentacles.
  5. Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac, who squandered it all on booze and stupid crap from Fingerhut.
  6. But while he was still living, he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines and sent them away from his son Isaac to the land of the east for they were red-headed, and he didn’t want them sucking the souls of his favorite descendants
  7. Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years but we’re supposed to be stunned he had a kid at 100 or something.
  8. Then Abraham breathed his last, his last words being, “I regret nothing except getting genital warts from Hagar,” and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people. They received him from UPS and were disappointed because they were hoping it was the Debbie Doll they’d ordered.
  9. His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite,
  10. the field Abraham had bought from the Hittites. They had a fight about how unfair it was that Abraham favored Isaac, which sounded like a really awkward version of what the Smothers Brothers did, and phlegmier, since it was in Yiddish. There Abraham was buried with his wife Sarah.
  11. After Abraham’s death, God blessed his son Isaac, who then lived near Beer Lahai Roi, with an abnormally large middle finger, useful for driving in their crazy traffic.

    Ishmael’s Sons
  12. This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Ishmael, whom Sarah’s slave, Hagar the Egyptian, bore to Abraham.
  13. These are the names of the sons of Ishmael (said again, just in case you weren’t paying attention in the previous verse), listed in the order of their birth (because that’s so much more polite than listing them by cock size): Nebaioth the firstborn of Ishmael, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam,
  14. Mishma, Dumah, Massa, Ramalamadingdong, Couscous, Fallafel, Shawarma, 
  15. Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah who would later be the real shooter of J.R.
  16. These were the sons of Ishmael as we’ve said repeatedly for some reason, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps since back in the old days people camped in twelves for some weird reason.
  17. Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years before succumbing to a deadly case of stupidity. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. They shipped him pony express because UPS didn’t deliver there.
  18. His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the eastern border of Egypt, as you go toward Ashur, just a few thousand miles east of the Big Chicken. And they lived in hostility toward all the tribes related to them, but he did have a famous fictional gorilla named after him, so there’s that.*

    Jacob and Esau
  19. This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Isaac just after their show Keeping Up with the Desert Weirdos was cancelled.

    Abraham became the father of Isaac as plunder after offing his old daddy,
  20. and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah daughter of Bethuel the Aramean from Paddan Aram and sister of Laban the Aramean. Try saying that whole title three times fast!
  21. Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless, and quite frankly, was becoming one cantankerous old biddy. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant and finally learned how to shut the hell up.
  22. The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, “Okay you two! Don’t make me come in there!” but inwardly the hormones were making her wonder, “Why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the Lord because He’s always been full of reliable answers or something.
  23. The Lord said to her,

    “Two nations are in your womb,
        and two peoples from within you will be separated;
    one people will be stronger than the other,
        and the older will serve the younger.”

    She said, "Great, Lord, thanks. That crazy Nostradamus sounding bullshit helps so much. How big do you think my uterus is anyway?"
  24. When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. She figured her quota was met and immediately had her tubes tied.
  25. The first to come out was red, which completely freaked her out as any ginger child usually does. and his whole body was like a hairy garment which means he looked just like a little Elmo.; so they named him Esau, because what else are you gonna name your freak baby? North West? I don’t think so….. oh wait…..
  26. After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau’s heel proving he was born this way… with a foot fetish.; so he was named Jacob, which literally translated means he who failed to absorb his twin in the womb like any horror novel character is supposed to do. Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them. And of course, everyone was amazed at how old he was!* 
  27. The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents and surf foot porn.
  28. Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob since they both wore the same size pumps.
  29. Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau, who had yet to admit he had a stew addiction problem, came in from the open country, famished and desperate for something without curry.
  30. He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom which means he who doesn’t say please because he has no manners.)
  31. Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.” He had taken Bernie Madoff lessons. 
  32. “Look, you opportunist sonofabitch, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me? Obviously it should go to someone who’d take advantage of someone on death’s door. If I had my way I’d hand it over to Newt Gingrich! But sure, you keep it.
  33. But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Jacob tried to get him to throw in his record collection, but Esau insisted he’d want bacon for that.
  34. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left, because that’s how quickly muppet men recover from near fatal malnutrition.

    So Esau despised his birthright. But then, all they were really leaving him was girl clothes anyway, which Jacob wears much better.
18 – The gorilla to which I refer is none other than Ishmael written by Daniel Quinn, the gorilla who learned how to communicate telephathically with people and, of course, used his powers to teach humans about how to live on the planet without destroying everything. Just pretty much the same thing you'd expect Ozzy Osbourne to do if he ever learned how to speak human language.
26 – Based on the pattern this book has given us, eventually they'll be shocked the Virgin Mary had Jesus when she was still within the age of attraction for Jerry Lewis.