Thursday, March 27, 2014

Give us Each Day Our Moldy Bread, Goddammit

If you’ve ever attended the average little American church, then chances are you were given these little tracts that had such uplifting, gag-inducing daily readings of scripture, along with uplifting messages that fit on a fortune cookie so that your religious mind didn’t have to process too much info at a time… they were called Our Daily Bread, because daily devotionals were supposed to be nourishing to the soul. Today they apparently just work on the internet, like everyone does.

Sounds a little too fucking high in carbs, if you ask me. And since religion-addiction reminds me too much of that whole manna incident, where people absorb far too much of this nonsense (more than they can use, anyway), then it seems to me this bread of theirs is moldy. After all, it comes from an archaic work thousands of years old that has no pertinence to our present day.

And so I give to you your Moldy Bread. If you’ve ever watched Mystery Science Theater 3000, or MST3K as fans have come to call it, then you know that they love heckling bad movies. Well what’s worse than bible stories? I answer: Stryper. But the Bible comes a close second, and I MST3K the Bible, one chapter at a time, in these pages. These are the actual bullshit bible chapters, just with added lulz written in red letters, just like Jesus would do. Why? Because I’m an asshole. That’s why.

Hello?! It’s written in the title of the blog!

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