Monday, June 10, 2013

Genesis 3: The first blond and the first illegal immigrant

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Genesis: Chapter Three
The first blond and the first illegal immigrant

The Fall, and I don't mean of Humpty Dumpty
  1. Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made, which makes you seriously question the use of service dogs. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”
  2. The woman said to the serpent, "I know, right? That guy acts like he owns everything or something. We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 
  3. but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’He also hogs all the Cheez-Its and the Ben & Jerry's.
  4. “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. "You may feel some discomfort, but that's only if you don't pick out the seeds.
  5. For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil, and will realize that all his clothes are actually cheap knock-offs of brand names and not authentic at all.
  6. When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. At first she couldn't decide if it tasted great or was less filling, but she'd leave that argument for future generations. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her*, and he ate it since he'd already used his woman to taste test it first
  7. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked but that they were most certainly not pleasing to the eye; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. After all, there were no malls, so they were desperate and had to resort to off-the-rack wear.
  8. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, because God was so fair of skin. And they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden inadvertently inventing camouflage clothing
  9. But the Lord God called to the man, “Olly olly oxen free!
  10. He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
  11. And God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from? And my Chubby Hubby better still be there!
  12. The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it. And now I know that my manhood is small, so I was ashamed." So God said, "Did the tree give you the knowledge that you're manhood is small?" and Adam answered, "No, Eve is just a size queen."
  13. Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”
    -The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” And God said, "No, I mean about his manhood. You made fun of his size? That's just cruel."
  14. So the Lord God said to the serpent, “Because you have done this,

    -----“Cursed are you above all livestock
    ---------and all wild animals!
    -----You will crawl on your belly
     ---------and you will eat dust
     ---------all the days of your life.
    -----You will not make a noise, 
    -------so you will not be on the See & Say toy!
  15. -----And I will put enmity
    ---------between you and the woman,
    ---------and between your offspring and hers;
    -----he will crush your head,
    ---------and you will strike his heel.
    -----He will clothesline you,
    ---------and you will hit him with a chair,
    ---------and he will pin you to the mat
    ---------and you will be defeated.
    -----What are you gonna do
    ---------when the pythons of Adam
    ---------come after you?
    -----Oooooh yeah!!!

  16. To the woman he said,

    -----“I will make your pains in childbearing very severe;
    ---------with painful labor you will give birth to children,
    -----and it's going to be a while before
    --    ---you people invent the epidural
    --------so there.
    -----Your desire will be for your husband,
    ---------and he will rule over you.
    -----Void where prohibited,
    ---------or in cases of PE teachers
    ---------or tennis players, in which case
    ---------your desire will be for Halley Barry.

  17. To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife, which no man should ever do apparently, and you ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’
    -----“Cursed is the ground because of you-"
    And the ground was all, "Hey, what did I do?"
    And God answered, "Well for starters, you're an inanimate object and now you're talking," but in fact the ground wasn't really talking and God's meds were wearing off. Adam and Eve just watched him hallucinate this argument and felt extremely awkward.
    God finally said, "Okay, where was I? Oh yes,

    -----“Cursed is the ground because of you;"
    ---------through painful toil you will eat food from it
    ---------all the days of your life. 
  18. -----It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
    ---------and you will eat the plants of the field. 
  19. -----By the sweat of your brow
    ---------you will eat your food
    -----until you return to the ground,
    ---------since from it you were taken;
    -----for dust you are
    ---------and to dust you will return.”
    The Serpent said to God, "Yeah well, your poetry is stupid. It doesn't rhyme. And what kind of entity punishes people in poetic verse anyway?"
    And he was smited by God who said, "It rhymes in the original language, you slithering bitch!"
  20. Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living. He was tempted to name her Beyonce, but he wasn't sure yet if he liked her enough to put a ring on it.
  21. The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. They walked the runway with them and made them work, but Heidi Klum agreed with the Lord God that they just weren't in.
  22. And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil, and clearly they ate from that flatulence plant and man, seriously, open a window next time, will ya? He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” 
  23. So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. Which is a very odd sentence, since how can he work the ground if he's banished from it? Will the Lord God grant him work visas so he can do the work, get paid, and then go back to his country when he's done? And will he meet idiots with guns at the border when he does?
  24. After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life. So that totally answers that question.

6 - Notice it said he was with her. So all this time men have blamed Eve, but clearly he was in on it too. So Eve was framed. Not only that, he was a cowardly little prick who let his woman taste test it first.