Thursday, June 13, 2013

Genesis 7: And you think your family vacation sucked?

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Seven
And you think your family vacation sucked?

    1. The Lord then said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. And once you're in there, commence fighting over whose room is whose, proving me wrong.
    2. Take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate (and no washing the animal to keep more of it, because it won't fool me)
    3. and also seven pairs of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. I know a lot of birds are difficult to sex and have to be taken to specialists in a science that doesn't exist yet to determine their gender, but hey... what do I know? I'm only God and all.
    4. Seven days from now, after I've finished with my laundry, I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”
    5. And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him, because he really had nothing better to do.
    6. Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth, but he really didn't look a day over 475
    7. And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood, but upon entering they wanted to escape the horrible wallpaper even more.
    8. Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, 
    9. male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah, as well as the dead horse that this writer keeps beating on
    10. And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth, just like the sons of God did, which is what got us into this mess.*
    11. In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, on the seventeenth day of the second month after laundry time, on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. 
    12. And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights. People in Seattle considered it a light rain period and went on about their business.
    13. On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. 
    14. They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, because for some reason this had to be mentioned again, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings, blah blah blah... 
    15. Pairs of all creatures that .....Wait, really? You're saying it AGAIN??? have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. 
    16. The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the Lord shut him in. And hopefully the author shuts this up!
    17. For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. And the people in Seattle considered it a light rain period and... hey, they already said this shit several times, so I can repeat the joke. Bite me.
    18. The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. You know, as boats do. It wasn't a submarine or anything.
    19. They rose greatly on the earth, and all the high mountains under the entire heavens were covered. Even Donald Trump's ego was covered, and that was no easy feat.
    20. The waters rose and covered the mountains to a depth of more than fifteen cubits.
    21. Every living thing that moved on land perished—birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind. Because God promised this was so. So you know, when the waters disappear, not a single living thing should be in evidence. Right?
    22. Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died. Why specify the nostrils? The author must have a nose fetish. Everything on dry land that had the... uh... urine of life in its bladder... died as well. Yeah, that too.
    23. Every living thing on the face of the earth was wiped out as just stated; people and animals and the creatures that move along the ground and the birds were wiped from the earth. Yes, we get it. Only Noah was left, and those with him in the ark. You've made that clear. Move on.
    24. The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days. And the author of this piece kept repeating the same thing over and over for even longer.
    10 - I know, it was a cheap "cum" joke, but let's face it, the story all out says that the world became a mess because the sons of God came down and humped the daughters of man. God punishes everything but does he blame his own kids? And does he blame his own bad parenting? I don't think so. The line about something that "came onto the earth" could also be made about Onan from the 38th chapter of Genesis, who was punished for pulling out and shooting his seed onto the ground. But I'll make lots of jokes about that later, I promise.