Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Thirty-Three
Reunited and it feels so . . . creepy
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------Jacob Meets Esau- Jacob looked up and there was Esau, wearing the most luxurious Vera Wang gown, coming with his four hundred men, and we don’t mean that in the dirty way at all; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants. No matter how much she begged, he didn’t give any children to Angelina Jolie. Brad had told him not to.
- He put the female servants and their children in front, like any real man would, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear, which, let’s face it, is the best position in a situation like this, but the very worst position in any human centipede.
- He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother. This is because he had just watched Zombieland, and decided to follow the rule of Limber Up.
--- ----- - But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. Which ended up being the gayest thing that ever actually happened in the entire Bible, and this includes Judas’s kiss and John’s laying in Jesus’ lap. But that’s only because of the Vera Wang gown. You see, while Jacob was away, Esau found himself and realized he was the quintessential bear. He came out of the closet and started exploring his sexuality quite liberally. He really enjoyed the masculine world of the bear community, and having all these slave boys follow him around. The only reason he was even in the gown was that he’d come from a costume party where he’d gone as Lilith, the wife of Adam that Genesis doesn’t dare talk about. It was quite the scandal!
- Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. “Who are these with you?” he asked.
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Jacob just looked awkwardly at his brother in a dress and tried to will himself to speak. After a lengthy and awkward silence, he finally answered, “They are the children God has graciously given your servant. You know you’re in a dress, right?”
----- - Then the female servants and their children approached and bowed down, for they thought they were in the presence of the Queen of Sheba.
- Next, Leah and her children came and bowed down, although they were afraid he was Ms. Bulgaria for how hairy he was. Last of all came Joseph and Rachel, and they too bowed down, because, well, when in Rome…
----- - Esau asked, “What’s the meaning of all these flocks and herds I met?”
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“Oh you know, just thought you needed meat so you could make me some stew!”
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“Dude, seriously? You’re gonna make that joke right now?”
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“Just kidding. Actually, to find favor in your eyes, my lord,” he said.
----- - But Esau said, “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself. I’m extremely well endowed these days,” he said, meaning financially of course. For Esau had found a hot sugar daddy in Ur on the Jewish dating app, PLOTZr.”
----- - “No, please!” said Jacob. “Tuchis411 is much better for hookups!” Realizing Esau was actually out of Tuchis411’s demographic, he said, “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. I’m sorry that it doesn’t vibrate anymore. I broke it on the way here. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. And since I’ve actually seen God, you should be comforted, because it means he’s a big, red, hairy beast just like you.
- Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it, but made a mental note to himself to wash it thoroughly before his own use.
----- - Then Esau said, “Let us be on our way; I’ll accompany you. Just let me get out of this drag first.”
----- - But Jacob said to him, “My lord knows that the children are tender and juicy and delicious on toast, and that I must care for the ewes and cows that are nursing their young, and are also delicious. If they are driven hard and put away wet just one day, all the animals will die.
- So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, because that way I can watch your furry badonkadonk, while I move along slowly at the pace of the flocks and herds before me and the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir, home of the world’s biggest scratch and sniff hieroglyphics collection.”
----- - Esau said, “Then let me leave some of my men with you.”
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“But why do that?” Jacob asked, apparently forgetting what a lying, cheating sack of shit of a brother he’d been before and expecting to be magically trusted now. “Just let me find favor in the eyes of my lord.”
----- - So that day Esau started on his way back to Seir. Now home of the world’s furriest sucker.
- Jacob, however, went to Sukkoth (which means the place where Jacob stashed a bunch of his brother’s stuff), where he built a place for himself and made shelters for his livestock. That is why the place is called Sukkoth. It’s also why the place has a football team called the Sukkoth Stealing Bastards.
----- - After Jacob came from Paddan Aram, where he’d fueled his donkeys and changed their oil, he arrived safely at the city of Shechem in Canaan, home of the world’s first Strom Thurmond’s Chicken & Waffles, and camped within sight of the city.
- For a hundred pieces of silver, he bought from the sons of Hamor,the father of Shechem, the plot of ground where he pitched his tent, and then found himself someone on his Plotzr app who would help him pitch his tent, if you know what I mean.
- There he set up an altar and called it El Elohe Israel, which means the place where Israel had his hole filled.
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