Genesis 20: Pimping out the old lady… the really old lady

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Genesis: Chapter Twenty

Pimping out the old lady… the really old lady

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Abraham and Abimelek

1. Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur, sleeping on many friends’ couches. For a while he stayed in Gerar,
2. and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister,” because they hadn’t learned their lesson from that old fiasco*. Then Abimelek king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her, while his musicians invented bow chicka bowow music. ..
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3. But God came to Abimelek in a dream one night and said to him, “You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman, and he is loaded with a lot of venereal diseases from his wife’s former dalliance in Egypt with the pharaoh.”
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4. Now Abimelek had not gone near her because of how skanky and old she was*, so he said, “Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation?
5. Did he not say to me, ‘She is my sister,’ and didn’t she also say, ‘He is my brother’? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands. Besides, who would? She’s got jowls and kankles and looks like Barbara Bush since she still hasn’t lost all the old baby weight.”
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6. Then God said to him in the dream, “Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me.” And Abimelek was thinking, No, it was her cottage cheese thighs that kept me from sinning, but he stayed silent. “That is why I did not let you touch her.” Abimelek felt a gagging sensation in the back of his throat at the mere thought.
7. “Now return the man’s wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you will live. But if you do not return her, you may be sure that you and all who belong to you will die.”
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   But Abimelek said, “I only took her in because I was hoping she’d make me a pie or something. She’s old. Helloooo?”
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8. Early the next morning Abimelek summoned all his officials, and when he told them all that had happened, they were very much afraid that this God had lost his mind, and overestimated Sarah’s attractiveness.
9. Then Abimelek called Abraham in and said, “What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should never be done. And I never did get that pie.”
10. And Abimelek asked Abraham, “What was your reason for doing this? Is this a hidden camera show?”
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11. Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of God in this place, because if there were, there wouldn’t be so damned many Juggalos around here. And they will kill me because of my wife because I’m not sure how hard up they get, but I didn’t want to take any chances.’
12. Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. And stop making that face. You’d do your sister too if you had to.
13. And when God had me wander from my father’s household, I said to her, ‘This is how you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, “He is my brother.”’” And somehow this scheme hadn’t gotten her ugly old ass laid yet.
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14. Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him, although he had a feeling the slaves and even the sheep had a better chance of getting some action than she did.
15. And Abimelek said, “My land is before you; live wherever you like.” But inwardly he wondered, Does she even know how to make pie?
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16. To Sarah he said, “I am giving your brother a thousand shekels of silver so that you can afford a facelift or something, because I mean, damn girl! I mean,” he cleared his throat, “This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated. Because I really did want to do you. Sure. That’s the ticket,” he said, trying to be nice.
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17. Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelek, his wife and his female slaves so they could have children again,
18. for the Lord had kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from conceiving because of Abraham’s wife Sarah because it makes perfectly good sense that a just god clearly would punish people with sterility for being set up by his holy chosen ones. And never give the guy the damned pie he’d hoped for.

NOTES:

2 – See the bullshit in Genesis 12:10-20 where they did this before. It’s like he loves making his wife fuck other guys like a big, stupid coward.

4 – I mean that is the reason they were surprised that she was going to have a baby, right? It’s like the book can’t keep straight if she’s old, how old is old, if she’s a MILF or what!