Friday, June 14, 2013

Genesis 8: God's Anger Management Issues

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Eight
God's Anger Management Issues
  1. But God remembered Noah and all the wild animals and the livestock that were with him in the ark (proving his psyche meds weren't affecting  his memory), and he sent a wind over the earth, and the waters receded. 
  2. Now the springs of the deep and the floodgates of the heavens had been closed, and the rain had stopped falling from the sky. The public swimming pools all reopened and the sports games were able to resume.
  3. The water receded steadily from the earth. .Then, President Morgan Freeman gave a great speech and promised that the world would rebuild, then the credits began to... oh wait, that's the end of Deep Impact. My bad. At the end of the hundred and fifty days the water had gone down, but Noah's wife still hadn't...
  4. and on the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat... with Gilligan... the Skipper too... the millionaire... and his wife...
  5. The waters continued to recede until the tenth month, and on the first day of the tenth month the tops of the mountains became visible. You might say they were peaking out! Ow! Sorry, God apparently hates puns and just smote me for that.
  6. After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark because one of his sons... and we're not saying who... brought along some of that yucca plant of flatulence, and they were needing some serious relief...
  7. and so they sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth screaming "Nevermore!" until someone finally got annoyed and shot it.
  8. Then he sent out a dove to see if the water had receded from the surface of the ground. 
  9. But the dove could find nowhere to perch because there was water over all the surface of the earth meaning it really hadn't receded from the mountains, since that's part of the earth's surface there, wouldn't you say? So it returned to Noah in the ark. He reached out his hand and took the dove and brought it back to himself in the ark, and had a lovely roast dove dinner flavored with the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of the difference between ass and elbow. Turned out its fruit tasted strangely like lemon.
  10. He waited seven more days and again sent out the dove from the ark. 
  11. When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Meaning that when God said everything on the earth that wasn't on the ark would die, he lied, because clearly an olive tree was still sprouting leaves. Noah was pissed and demaned God do it all again and get it right this time! But God told him to shut up and leave the God business to Him. At least Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth. 
  12. He waited seven more days because he was still grumbling like a little bitch, and then he sent the dove out again, but this time it did not return to him. He was pissed again because he wanted another lemon flavored dove dinner.
  13. By the first day of the first month of Noah’s six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. It was littered with bloated, drowned, dead corpses of all the creatures of the earth and it smelled horrible. The disease from these dead things was spread to Noah's family and they died, the end. Oh wait, we're not actually going for the obvious reality ending here, so never mind.
  14. By the twenty-seventh day of the second month the earth was completely dry.
  15. Then God said to Noah, 
  16. “Come out, come out, wherever you are, and meet the weird family who sailed on the ark." And then the world went from black and white to technicolor, and they were greeted by the Lollipop Guild and all the other munchkins... okay, that didn't happen. That would have been a much better story with an actual point. Instead God said, "Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives. 
  17. Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number on it.” Because clearly that shit worked out so well the first time, and God learns from his lessons.
  18. So Noah came out, together with his sons and his wife and his sons’ wives and promptly threw up from the smell.
  19. All the animals and all the creatures that move along the ground and all the birds—everything that moves on land—came out of the ark, one kind after another, and stampeded all over the place, eating each other and killing Noah and his family... and once again, that didn't happen, but would have if we had any reality to this story whatsoever.
  20. Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. He went a little hog wild, and that's why we don't have several of those animals any longer.
  21. The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma (or horrible stench, if you have a human nose) and said in his heart: “Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done. I really do need to work on my anger management and stop missing doses of my medication. My bad everybody." Then he went back to breaking out into poetry for no really understandable reason:
  22. -------“As long as the earth endures,
    -------seedtime and harvest,
    -------cold and heat,
    -------summer and winter,
    -------day and night
    -------will never cease.”
    But then he saw that the humans had created a show called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and he began to rethink that whole policy.