Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Genesis 16: Knocking up the help, who is NOT a Viking comic character btw

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Sixteen
Knocking up the help, who is NOT a Viking comic character btw
    hagar Hagar and Ishmael
  1. Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, namesake of plastic wrap, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar, and that’s a phrase that you know doesn’t begin any anecdote that ends well;
  2. so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children, that bastard. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.”
    Abram agreed to what Sarai said. Apparently there’s no reason to ask Hagar’s feelings on the matter.
  3. So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He removed the wrapping paper and then opened the box and, after the initial smell of Hagar’s remains hit them, they both realized too late the necessity of poking holes in it.
  4. He slept with Hagar and gave him the best night in the sack of his life…and she conceived... oh shit, Hagar’s a chick? He always looked like a Viking to me!
    When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress which is weird, because I’m pretty sure it wasn’t her who knocked Hagar up.
  5. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.” This is, of course, the only screwed up storyline that hasn’t yet been used on One Life to Live. Yet.
  6. “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” So Sarai dressed her up in a Dora the Explorer costume.Then Sarai mistreated Hagar, mostly screaming at her to make the songs she sings to rhyme already; so she fled from her. Ironically, she got lost.
  7. The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. You know, next to the statues of Shem, Ham, and Japheth in the see no/hear no/speak no evil poses .
  8. And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, woman with big red beard, where have you come from, and where are you going, and why the hell are you wearing that?”
    “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered, to an all-knowing God who shouldn’t have had to ask in the first place.
  9. Then the angel of the Lord told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” And Hagar became nervous because she didn’t know it was going to become that kind of party.
  10. The angel added, “I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count.”
    And Hagar said, “Ha! Jokes on you! I don’t even know how to count.”
  11. The angel of the Lord also said to her:
    -----“You are now pregnant
    -------and you will give birth to a son.
    -----You shall name him Ishmael,
    -------and not because he asked you to
    -------in the beginning of Moby Dick,

    -------for the Lord has heard of your misery
    -------and is too chickenshit to just tell you
    -------to get over your damned self
  12. -----He will be a wild donkey of a man
    -------which will turn on the ladies immensely;
    -------his hand will be against everyone
    -------(although we’re not going to ask what
    -------his other hand will be doing, because
    -------that’s not befitting of a lady),

    -------and everyone’s hand against him
    -------(nor do we care about theirs),
    -------and he will live in hostility
    -------toward all his brothers
    -------and pretty much everyone else on earth
    -------except people who volunteered
    -------the services of their other hands
  13. She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” She was, of course, delirious from the birthing drugs, and nobody has a clue what this means.
  14. That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi (which means the brewski drank by Roy, who was the delivery man whom her son suspiciously resembled a lot more than he did Abram); it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered, and still has that new bastard smell.
  15. So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. Just in case you’d snoozed off and needed a recap.
  16. Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael. Ishmael later put him into a retirement home and gambled away all his retirement money.