Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Two
And you thought the Lohans were bad parents!-
- Some time later God tested Abraham, .but Abraham forgot to bring a number 2 pencil, so he failed. He said to him, “Abraham!”
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“Here I am,” he replied, and with that, roll call concluded.
- - Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac (because when you only have one son, we have to specify for some reason)—and go to the region of Moriah, home of the world’s favorite place to kill ones own kids, not to be confused with Mariah-Carrey, home of the big-butted screeching banshee. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
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And Abraham said, “Okay sure. Would you like any particular dipping sauce to have with my son? I’d also recommend a fine chardonnay.”
- - Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey with the premium unleaded just to make sure it had a clean tank. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. Because it sure would’ve been awkward to set out to sacrifice your own kid and then forget to bring the bastard, wouldn’t it? When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. It took a couple of tries because MapQuest first took him to what turned out to be a Canaanite gay bar.
- On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance, right next to a Stuckey’s, conveniently enough.
- He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” Of course he just said that for Isaac’s sake. Under his breath he asked the servants if they’d prefer a leg or a breast portion.
- - Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. You know when your parents used to make you bring their belt to them before they spanked you with it? Seems right angelic by comparison now, don’t it? Least they didn’t make you carry your own kindling! As the two of them went on together,
- Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”
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“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.
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“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”
- - Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together, as any son and his extremely cruel, lying prick of a father ever had.
- - When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it, just like he learned in boy scouts from that troop leader who liked to touch him a little too much. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Isaac was like, “Whoa, wait a minute, are you fucking nuts?”
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At this particular moment Abraham thought it’d be best to tell him the truth: “And by the way, there is no such thing as Santa Claus.”
- - Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.
- But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”
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“What the fuck do you want now?” he replied.
- - “.Psyche! Just kidding! Man, you should’ve seen your face. You were all, I’m so gonna kill my son, and I was all, Look at this fool doing this! But hey, do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Because that would be murder, and I don’t like murder. Well, officially anyway. I’ll have your people do a lot of it, but just keep that under your hat. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
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“Actually, dammit, I just wish you’d make up your mind! I was ready for the bachelor life again!” thought Abraham, but he didn’t dare say this out loud.
- - Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. At first he thought he was tripping balls, but then he figured there’s less chance for him to be arrested for eating this, and he thought what the hell? He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. You know, not as gamey.
- So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide, which was a very genteel way of saying what he really wanted to call it, which was The Lord Needs to Make Up His Fucking Mind. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided, as long as you bring your brat along and try to kill it first.”
- - The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time
- and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son,
- I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies,
- and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.”
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And under his breath Abraham muttered, “And I swear by my balls, you are out of your fucking mind, my Lord.”
- - Then Abraham returned to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba, while Isaac kept as quiet as he could and found himself in severe need of therapy to stop cutting himself.
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Nahor’s Sons - Some time later Abraham was told, “Milkah is also a mother, as you would expect of someone named Milkah; she has borne sons to your brother Nahor, and none of them tried to kill their kids because of some crazy voice they heard:
- Uz the firstborn, Buz his brother, Kemuel (the father of Aram), Dipsy, La La, Tinky Winky, Po,
- Kesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel, Randy, Tito, and Jermaine.”
- Bethuel became the father of Rebekah, who had the biggest tits in all of Beersheba. Milkah bore these eight sons to Abraham’s brother Nahor, and then got sick of it and had her tubes tied.
- His concubine, whose name was Reumah, also had sons: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maakah. With all these kids, Nahor was forced to live in a shoe.
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