Genesis: Chapter Four
The first murderer was, wouldn't ya know it, an angry vegetarian
Cain and Abel
- Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” We know this because we have surveillance of the birth. We tried to get the conception too but they refused.
- Later she gave birth to his brother Abel. We assume they had made love again to make this happen, and that Eve didn't have a litter. -Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. They tried for a third child to take care of the dry cleaning store but that boy just wanted to be a ballet dancer, so they don't like to talk about him.
- In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.
- And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering,
- but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor, for He had begun the Adkins diet, and for this reason, God had to have him Chopped. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
- - Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?" And Cain replied that he had worked real hard on that souffle and feels very unappreciated!
- "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it,” the Lord said. Cain replied, "You always do this! You change the subject and it makes me angry. I'm going for a walk to calm down," he said, but in fact he was angry. In fact, he was Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction angry. You know how vegetarians get.
- - Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field. I want to play a game." While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him with a vegetable knife, just to be ironic.
- Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
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“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
- - The Lord said, “What have you done? And why did you ruin his good Eddie Bauer shirt. It was so cute and I wanted to borrow it. Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground."
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"Cain replied, "Is that what that is? I thought it sounded like a whiny little bitch. It's really creepy and annoying."
- - God said, "Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand."
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In God's mind he heard the ground say, "Well at least this time you didn't curse me for what he did." He ignored it.- - "When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth. You will plant figs but get chicken nuggets. You will get weeds that ruin your crops and, thanks to Monsanto, they'll be resistant to pesticides, but they will kill your vegetables, and you'll be forced to eat meat, you hippy."
- - Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear. Don't you see the cute little faces of the animals? I can't eat something that has a mommy!" God rolled his eyes. So he rethought his plea to appease the Lord's narcissism.
- "Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.” But mostly he was bummed about having to eat meat.
- - But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over.” Because that makes sense when you're on medication for schizophrenia. Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him.* The mark of Zorro!
- So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden. Cain got a little lonely, but since this story clearly shows the only people in existence were Adam, Eve, and his kids, God magically made a thriving community in Nod, and Cain put an ad on NodMingle.com which clearly worked a lot better than the now defunct EdenMingle, because there are actual people here now. He found his soul mate and God's match for him and all that jazz, and they married.*
- - Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch. Cain was then building a city, and he named it after his son Enoch. You now know this city as Bangkok, and one night there will make the hard man humble.
- To Enoch was born Irad, and Irad was the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael was the father of Methushael, and Methushael was the father of Lamech.
- - Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah.
- Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock.
- His brother’s name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play stringed instruments and pipes. Till the one day when the lady met her Jubal, and they knew it was much more than a hunch; that this group must somehow form a family. That's the way they all became the Jubal bunch. And when they break out their strings and pipes and sing that song about going for a walk outside in the summer sun, just try to keep from dancing. I dare you!
- Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain (not to be confused with Dean Cain who played Superman), who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron. Tubal-Cain’s sister was Naamah, the supermodel.*
- - Lamech said to his wives,
“Adah and Zillah, listen to me;
wives of Lamech, hear my words.
I have killed a man for wounding me,
a young man for injuring me."
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And his wives said, "That's great, did you remember to pick up milk?" But Lamech wasn't done talking.-
- - "If Cain is avenged seven times,
then Lamech seventy-seven times.” His wives didn't let him change the subject, and so he had to go back for the milk. And speaking of changing subjects, hold on so you don't get whiplash here...
- - Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Abel, since Cain killed him.” What does that have to do with the name, Seth, you ask? Oh you poor, foolish soul. It has everything!
- Seth also had a son, and he named him Enosh.
-At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord.* You know, because before Enosh everybody was content. That damned bastard Enosh. He ruined everything!
NOTES:
15 - There has been a lot of speculation on what this mark really is. Some say he had a mohawk, because having one myself I can tell you people avoid you a great deal. Others suggest he had a birthmark like Gorbachev that looked scary. I've often wondered if it was a scary face on the back of his head like Professor Quirrel had Voldemort's face. In my book I'll be suggesting that "mark" is actually a slang term for a mentality or mindset, but I also wondered if maybe we weren't talking about Neanderthal man or an earlier species whose head had a completely different shape, and this tale wasn't trying to explain how they got there. But let's face it, whatever the case was, and whatever deformity or freakish trait he was given, were Michael Jackson around at the time, he would've purchased Cain's dead body.
16 - There, now that whole "Where did Mrs. Cain come from?" thing is settled. Take that, atheists!
22 - For the most part the dreaded begat lists of the bible mention only the men, but every now and then a woman comes through. This is one of those cases. What's so special about Naamah? You clearly didn't see the centerfold of Playgoyl Hebrew year 213 or you wouldn't ask that question.
26 - This tale reads very clearly as an explanation for where various peoples come from, much like a mythology where there are gods of love, war, and beauty products. Only this tale blurs the lines because they're supposed to be actual human beings who give such things to the later generations. Notice one person is the patriarch of music, another one the father bronze and iron tools, and this Enosh guy is the father of religion apparently. So now that there's religion, you know everything's about to go downhill from here.
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