Genesis: Chapter Fifteen
God promises more than an impotent old fart could dream
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The Lord’s Covenant With Abram
- After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, wearing a tutu:
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------“Do not be afraid, Abram.|-----I am your shield, your guard dog,
---------your very great reward."
--- - But Abram said, “I was hoping for something a bit more than just, well, you. You're not that much of a prize, Sovereign Lord. What can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?”
- And Abram said, “You have given me no children, which I realize is sort of my fault since I wasn't exactly delivering the meat to Sarai or anything; so a servant in my household will be my heir.”
- Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” And then the Sovereign Lord began to do his Swan Lake routine.
- He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you-”
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Abram shushed him. "I'm counting! Be quiet. Now I gotta start over!"
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Then he said to him, “Well Abram, that wasn't a command. That was rhetorical. I know, throughout the book it's hard to tell the difference between what I mean and what I don't really mean. That's why people will be fighting over shit that I say for centuries. But the point I'm trying to make is, as they are counted, so shall your offspring be.”-- - Abram believed the Lord, because he didn't want to be smoted again. He credited it to him as righteousness, which was good, since he was pretty overdrawn on that credit line anyway.--
- He also said to him, “I am the Lord, who brought you out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to take possession of it.”--
- But Abram said, “Oh is that where I know you from? I was wondering. Sovereign Lord, how can I know that I will gain possession of it and that you're not full of shit, like when you told Eve she'd die if she ate fruit and then she lived hundreds of years afterwards?”--
- So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer -"
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And Abram was all like, "I beg your pardon?"
---And the Lord said, "You heard me! A heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”
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And Abram said, "Oh well, if that's all. Why don't you wait here while I pull all of that out of my ass."
------ - Abram maxed out all of his credit again, and brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half, but he did plate them in a beautiful way so that the dish looked elegant and inviting.
- Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away although Gordon Ramsey would agree his overuse of cumen would've driven them away on their own if left half the chance.--
- As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him as happens everytime he goes to Vegas.
- Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there." But the Lord was talking to himself, for Abram was asleep. Remember? But he continued, for He did love the sound of his own voice:
- "But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. The reason for this is unknowable, because let's face it, I'm almighty and could have made it a different way. But this way will end in a lot more killing and suffering, and you know how much I enjoy watching that.
- You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age.
- In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.” The Lord put his tape measure of sin away, and this leaves us all to wonder what the hell makes somebody measure something like that.--
- When the sun had set and darkness had fallen and the smell of death wafted in the air, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. Pieces of what? Well we could tell you, but we're just going to let you wonder that for yourself. Is it pieces of tofu? Pieces of the sky that fell onto the earth? Pieces of what little dignity I have left after all that activity in Gomorrah last Wednesday? You'll never know, and I'll never tell.
- On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram and said, “To your descendants I give this land, from the Wadi of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates—
- the land of the Kenites, Kenizzites, Kadmonites,
- Hittites, Perizzites, Rephaites,
- Amorites, Canaanites, Girgashites and Jebusites.
Of course you're going to have to ask all these people to leave, and if they won't, you'll have to evict them. And they'll leave it one hell of a nasty fixer-upper with all that blood they'll leave everywhere. You know, when you have to kill them and all. Better get a lot of paper towels.”
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