Genesis 11: God hates erections, but loves overpopulation

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Genesis: Chapter Eleven

God hates erections, but loves overpopulation

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The Tower of Babel 

1. Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. And as you recall, the crazy person who wrote the last chapter said people simply moved on and developed different languages. But that was a big lie... this is what really happened.
2. As people moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there. They sold Tennessee ham and strawberry jam and they didn't lose no sleep at night, cuz Earl had to die.
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3. They said to each other, “Come, let’s make bricks and bake them thoroughly.” They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar.*  Then let us make a wet bar, mixing liquor with other fluids and shaking them thoroughly, and drink them thoroughly, and then party thoroughly, until we pass out and wake up with a thorough hangover."
4. Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city from on rock and roll, with a tower that reaches to the heavens and gives us better cell signal than AT&T, which sucketh greatly, so that we may make a name for ourselves, whatever that means*; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth and some of us would even have to live in middle America, which would be worse punishment than anything the Lord can do to us.”
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5. But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower the people were building, and make sure they were up to governmental code.
6. The Lord said, “If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them," which may sound like one of those annoying inspirational messages, but comes to you from a mean deity who hates inspiration. 
7. So the Lord said, "Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other.” And then the Lord made the person who wrote the last chapter forget what had really happened so that he wrote what silly shit he did in verse 5 where he said it was simply from maritime people spreading outward.*
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8. So the Lord scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. But they most certainly did not stop with the rock and roll.  
9. That is why it was called Babel—because there the Lord confused the language of the whole world.  From there the Lord scattered them over the face of the whole earth. Even more fun than that is the story of how the city, Cumming, got its name.
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   From Shem to Abram 
10. Then This is the account of Shem’s family line.
    Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100 years old, he became the father[d] of Arphaxad.
11. a And after he became the father of Arphaxad, Shem lived 500 years and had other sons and daughters.
12. bunch When Arphaxad had lived 35 years, he became the father of Shelah.
13. of And after he became the father of Shelah, Arphaxad lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters.
14. people When Shelah had lived 30 years, he became the father of Eber.
15. fucked And after he became the father of Eber, Shelah lived 403 years and had other sons and daughters.
16. and When Eber had lived 34 years, he became the father of Peleg.
17. had And after he became the father of Peleg, Eber lived 430 years and had other sons and daughters.
18. kids When Peleg had lived 30 years, he became the father of Reu.
19. until And after he became the father of Reu, Peleg lived 209 years and had other sons and daughters.
20. finally When Reu had lived 32 years, he became the father of Serug.
21. someone And after he became the father of Serug, Reu lived 207 years and had other sons and daughters.
22. had When Serug had lived 30 years, he became the father of Nahor.
23. a And after he became the father of Nahor, Serug lived 200 years and had other sons and daughters.
24. kid When Nahor had lived 29 years, he became the father of Terah.
25. named And after he became the father of Terah, Nahor lived 119 years and had other sons and daughters.
26. Terah. After Terah had lived 70 years, he became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran.
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    Abram’s Family 
27. This is the account of Terah’s family line.
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    Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot, and he named his child Lot because he enjoyed conceiving his son a whole LOT. 
28. While his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the land of his birth. Probably because Haran was such a spelling and grammar nazi that, when he came to a town called Ur, he said... *You're, and was immediately killed for being a smartass.
29. Abram and Nahor both married. The name of Abram’s wife was Sarai, and the name of Nahor’s wife was Milkah, because she lactated at the drop of a shekel; she was the daughter of Haran, the father of both Milkah and Iskah. But nobody cared about Iskah because all anybody cared about was Milkah. Milkah Milkah Milkah!
30. Now Sarai was childless because she was not able to conceive, and no government would allow her to adopt because of her well known incestual history of marrying her own half brother.
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31. Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan. But when they came to Harran, they settled there realizing the real estate was much cheaper, and you didn't have to kill any Canaanites to close on a property.
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32. Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Harran. And everyone admits a part of Harran died that day as well, for Terah's family formed a powerful mafia that didn't allow for them to say otherwise.

NOTES:

3 - This innovation, supposedly, replaced the previous method of building using stones that were not squared and mass produced, allowing the stability to create tall structures. So of course, with any new innovation, the believers have to threaten that God will strike it down and kill the scientific heathens, because this religion has always been anti-intellectual, from its very beginning. One wonders, before paper was really brought to the attention of this religion, whether they insisted word-of-mouth telling of these stories was the only thing God liked, and whether they thought God would smite the Tower of Gutenberg.
4 -  Yes, making a name for themselves is a sin, apparently. Tell that to the many Christians today who insist that such ambitions is a good thing. However this may be a mistranslation if you believe in aliens and ancient astronauts. Author Zechariah Sitchin, author of the Earth Chronicles, insists that the word, shem, is mistranslated to mean name, but really means a rocket launcher, because apparently the people wanted to be able to travel to space just like the Annunaki. So if you think the Bible is nuts, believe me, they get nuttier.
7 - But don't tell fundies that this obvious contradiction exists, because their defense is that God punished the people, for not spreading outwardly over the face of the earth, by forcing them to, which is why the languages became different. And I think God is punishing them for being stupid by making them say stupid shit like that out loud.
10 thru 26 - Nobody gives a shit about the whacked out names of long dead people. Except maybe Mormons and necrophiliacs. And I'm pretty sure the necrophiliacs don't really need to know their names.