Saturday, July 13, 2013

Genesis 18: Abraham invents haggling - the weirdest auction ever

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Eighteen
Abraham invents haggling - the weirdest auction ever
    godsauction The Three Visitors
  1. The Lord appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre, which had been re-designated as the tree of the knowledge of who’s on first, while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day.
  2. Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby, dressed in polyester, claiming to be wild and crazy guys. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground, for he was hoping that he had lost his contact lens, and that their fashion wasn’t really that bad.
  3. He said, “If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, do not pass your servant by.” Which is weird because he had seen three guys, not one god. But again, his vision was blurry. He did the same thing to the Olsen Twins once. 
  4. “Let a little water be brought, and then you may all wash your feet and rest under this tree. And I’ll sing you all the song of my people.
  5. Let me get you something to eat, so you can be refreshed and then go on your way—now that you have come to your servant.” Because apparently the almighty needs someone to bring Him food. Or them food. Or… uh....“Very well,” they answered, “do as you say. And maybe some chicken wings.
  6. So Abraham hurried into the tent to Sarah, like any damned man would do, making promises and expecting his woman to fulfill them. “Quick,” he said, “get three seahs of the finest flour and knead it and bake some bread.”
    And Sarah said, “Get them yourself!” for she was watching her soaps.
  7. Then he ran to the herd and selected a choice, tender calf and gave it to a servant, who hurried to prepare it by saying, “Brace yourself. We’re about to eat you.”
  8. He then brought some curds and milk and the calf that had been prepared, and set these before them horribly under seasoned, but what are ya gonna do in the middle of nowhere? While they ate, he stood near them under a tree and this made it a really creepy eating experience.
  9. “Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.

    “There, in the tent,” he said. But then he opened up the tent and she had vanished, and in her place was an elephant! The men were amazed and finally began to feel better about Abraham’s company.
  10. Then one of them said, “You think that’s a trick? I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”-Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him.
  11. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing, that is, if childbearing was no longer normal at 130, as we’ve already established.
  12. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
  13. Then the Lord said to her, ”Yeah well, life’s a bitch, hon.” To Abraham He said, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’
  14. Is anything too hard for the Lord? Even though what really matters is whether it’s hard for you, if you know what I mean. I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”
  15. Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
    But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”
    And Sarah said, “Did not!”And the Lord said, “Yeah huh.”
    And finally Sarah said, “Whatever. Just eat your cow meat and shut up.”

    Abraham Pleads for Sodom
  16. When the men got up to leave, they looked down toward Sodom, reflected on how many times they’ve come to ruin there at the house of the Rising Sun, and Abraham walked along with them to see them on their way and make sure they didn’t steal any silverware.
  17. Then the Lord said, “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do? Or do you think he can handle my flatulence?” Again, God was talking to himself, but since he was disguised as three people, it didn’t make him look too crazy. Since Abraham was still standing there, it did make him look stupid, as Abraham kept begging to know what he meant.
  18. “Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him.
  19. For I have chosen him from a really big hat, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just and profitable and uses moves like Jagger, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him… eventually. Like several generations later, after he’s long dead, and all his descendents are suffering stuff that almighty me could easily prevent.”
  20. Then the Lord said, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous, and their football team this year sucks,
  21. that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. You know, because all-knowing Me doesn’t already know, and it’s not like I could text anybody yet. If not, I will know. And I will smite the whiny liars for interrupting my laundry night for nothing.
  22. The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the Lord, for he was hoping to get his bible autographed.
  23. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? And if so, can you wait until I get my albums back from my nephew?
  24. What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it?
  25. Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
  26. The Lord said, “You really haven’t read this bible much, have you? If you think I’m not going to kill a bunch of people in a hissy fit! It totally fits with my idiom. But you know what? Fine. For you. If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.
  27. Then Abraham invented what would be a Jewish tradition for centuries thereafter: the great sport of haggling. He spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes with a side order of one sweet gun show if I do say so myself,,
  28. what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
    “If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
  29. Once again he spoke to him, “Can I hear forty? Forty righteous men, forty men forty men forty…The Lord said, “Forty!for He was really feeling excited by this.
  30. Then he said, “I hear forty, do I hear thirty? Thirty righteous men, save the town for thirty?”
    He answered, “Thirty!
  31. Abraham said, “How about twenty? Do I hear twenty? Come on, daddy needs a new pair of sneakers! Do I hear twenty?The Lord was practically wetting himself from excitement now and said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it!”
  32. Then Abraham said, “I have twenty righteous men, going once… twenty men going twice…The Lord answered, “Ten! For ten I will not destroy it! Hey, wait a minute…

    Abraham interrupted the Lord from his sudden clarity: “Sold! To the Almighty blowhard in the first row. You will not destroy the town for the presence of ten men!”
  33. When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, and realized he’d been had, he left, and Abraham returned home realizing he’d made out like a bandit, and sold his autographed bible on E-Bay for a small fortune.