Friday, June 14, 2013

Genesis 9: God's Pride Parade & the Power of the Penis

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Nine
God's Pride Parade & the Power of the Penis
God's Covenant With Noah
    1. Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth. Because that worked out so well for us before.
    2. The fear and dread of you will fall on all the beasts of the earth, and on all the birds in the sky, on every creature that moves along the ground, and on all the fish in the sea; they are given into your hands.* Odd that they'll fear you now and not back when you people were walking around stark naked. 
    3. Everything that lives and moves about will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything. Oh wait, did I say everything? Well let me kill that idea right now.
    4. “You must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. Deathblood is totally fine, however.
    5. And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. The people responsible will be the weirdest accountants you've ever met, and that's saying something for a profession of people obsessed with numbers. I will demand an accounting from every animal. It'll be like the IRS but on crack. And from each human being, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of another human being. 
    6. -------“Whoever sheds human blood,
      ---------by humans shall their blood be shed;
      -------for in the image of God
      ---------has God made mankind.
      -------Some would refer to this as karma
      -----  --but those people have a false belief
      -----  --and must be put to death.
      -------Of course those who kill them
      -----  --will have to be put to death,
      ----  ---and so on, and so on, and... wait...
      ---  ----hang on, I'll figure this out.
    7. As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it. Oh wait, I said that already. Did I mention the lifeblood thing? I need to sit down. I'm not feeling very well.
    8. Then God sat and said to Noah and to his sons with him: 
    9. “I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you 
    10. and with every living creature that was with you—the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you—every living creature on earth that you didn't kill by forgetting to feed them
    11. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth," God said. "Never again will I do this because of the world falling to pieces because of my own kids. And you know something, never again will I plant anything as insane as a tree that contains knowledge within the vicinity of beings that I then instruct not to eat from it, and then punish them when they understandably go against what I say. I've been a bad god and I've learned my lesson," God didn't say. He should have, but... he didn't.
    12. And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: 
    13. I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. We will have a parade, starting with the dykes on bikes, and followed by many floats and flaunters of chests. And there will be much dancing and disco music.
    14. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, 
    15. I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. And never again will,
      -------I be afraid, or be petrified,
      ---------or think that I could never live
      ---------without you by my side.
      -------For I have spent many nights
      ---------thinking how you did me wrong
      ---------and I grew strong.
      -------And I learned how to move along.
    16. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
    17. So God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth. No T no shade, sista!
      The Sons of Noah 
    18. The sons of Noah who came out of the ark were Shem, Ham and Japheth. (Ham was the father of Canaan and was a championship pork eating competition champion.
    19. These were the three sons of Noah, and from them came the people who were scattered over the whole earth. Because they got busy. I mean, seriously bizz-zay! Remember Wilt Chamberlain? They'd consider him an amateur.
    20. Noah, a man of the soil, proceeded to plant a vineyard. 
    21. When he drank some of its wine, because like all God's favored people, he was a serious lush, he became drunk and lay uncovered inside his tent. 
    22. Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father naked and began to giggle, looking down at his own crotch and realizing that having such gerth clearly skipped his father's generations. He then felt pity for his sons if this were so. He told his two brothers outside, and they too looked down at their own manhood and sighed
    23. Shem and Japheth were immediately ashamed for their father, so they took a garment and laid it across their shoulders; then they walked in backward and covered their father’s naked body. Their faces were turned the other way so that they would not see their father naked and be haunted  by the sight of one so small.
    24. When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, 
    25. he felt enraged by penis envy and said,
      -------“Cursed be Canaan!
      --------- The lowest of slaves
      --------- will he be to his brothers.”
    26. He also said,
      ---------“Praise be to the Lord, the God of Shem!
      ---------May Canaan be the slave of Shem. 
    27. -------May God extend Japheth’s territory;
      ---------may Japheth live in the tents of Shem,
      ---------and may Canaan be the slave of Japheth.”
      And Ham, Shem and Japheth both learned that day that there is a mighty power in ones penis, and that they must never let anyone else see theirs, just in case the other person has a bigger one, and will laugh at their own.
    28. After the flood Noah lived 350 years. 
    29. Noah lived a total of 950 years, and then he died. He was survived by his three well hung sons, with his lifetime obviously much longer than his penis.
    2 - Many tribal peoples have a story in their mythology as to why they're separated from the other animals and unable to speak with them, or why they always scatter from humans. This one belongs to the biblical story. Oddly enough none of them have a tale about how animals conspire to take over everything and make humans inferior beings. Not until George Orwell anyway.