Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Genesis 19: Resident Anal – God blows up the horny zombie city

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Nineteen
Resident Anal: God blows up the horny zombie city
    bitchesneverlisten Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed
  1. The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, having made good time bypassing some pretty heavy crash traffic in Ur. Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground, which made them wonder if he’d dropped something. -
  2. “My lords,” he said, “please turn aside to your servant’s house. You can wash your feet and pluck your eyebrows and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning. And don’t forget to wash behind your ears.
    “No,” they answered, “we will spend the night in the square. We have tickets to Yanni!
  3. But he insisted so strongly, altruistically trying to spare them the mistake of exposing themselves to Yanni music, that they did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate, although the lack of yeast made them a little sorry they didn’t just hit a Subway on their way there.
  4. Before they had gone to bed, there was a rather strange and ominous sound of banjo  music. All the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. All of them. Apparently flashmobs are older than we might have originally thought.
  5. They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.” Not only are flashmobs older, but they used to be far kinkier. Why can’t this ever happen to me?
  6. Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him because he does not pay to air condition the whole damned desert, thank you very much.
  7. and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. I have an entire carton of fleshlights in my garage if you need sex that badly,” he offered, but they knew he was bluffing. I mean who buys a whole carton of fleshlights anyway?
  8. “Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man.” And after this, they’ll probably never want to again. “Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. Except I don’t recommend sneezing in the cabbage, since they’re having their special monthly time, if you know what I mean. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof, and by golly letting them get buttraped relentlessly against their will is rather bad hospitality.”
  9. “Get out of our way,” they replied in voices strangely lacking any lisp or bitchiness whatsoever. “This fellow came here as a foreigner, and now he wants to play the judge!” And to be perfectly fair, who is Lot to judge their buttfucking violent ways when he’s the asshole ready to throw his daughters to them? “We’ll treat you worse than them.” They kept bringing pressure on Lot and moved forward to break down the door.
  10. But the men inside reached out and pulled Lot back into the house and shut the door. This somehow kept the angry, horny mob out, because doors in those times had a special hardon repellant.
  11. Then they struck the men who were at the door of the house, young and old, with blindness so that they could not find the door. And every single one of them suddenly feared their mothers were right about them going blind if they played with it too much.
  12. The two men said to Lot, “Do you have anyone else here—sons-in-law, sons or daughters, special friends you met on Grindr, or anyone else in the city who belongs to you? Get them out of here,
  13. because we are going to destroy this place. The outcry to the Lord against its people is so great that he has sent us to destroy it.” Lot noticed that they didn’t mention daughters-in-law, and definitely not mothers-in-law, so he felt much more trust in them since he realized they were fellow misogynist pricks just like himself.
  14. So Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who were pledged to marry his daughters.* He said, “Hurry and get out of this place, because the Lord is about to destroy the city!” But his sons-in-law thought he was joking. Until they looked up and saw that whole bunch of people who had been struck blind, wandering around with sizable erections. Then they became afraid that there was some strange Night of the Horny Dead thing going on.
  15. With the coming of dawn, the angels urged Lot, saying, “Hurry! Take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished.
  16. When he hesitated, they shouted, “No really! You’re not being punked or anything!” and the men grasped his hand and the hands of his wife and of his two daughters and led them safely out of the city, for the Lord was merciful to them. If they weren’t in such a hurry they might’ve sang songs like the von Trapp family, but it’s for the best. Their singing voices weren’t exactly pleasant.
  17. As soon as they had brought them out, one of them said, “Flee for your lives! Don’t look back, and don’t stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!”
  18. But Lot said to them, “No, my lords, please! Take out Colorado Springs instead! It’s filled with far worse sex offenders than Sodom is.” But they were not phased.
  19. “Your servant has found favor in your eyes, and you have shown great kindness to me in sparing my life. But I can’t flee to the mountains; this disaster will overtake me, and I’ll die.
  20. Look, here is a town near enough to run to, and it is small. Let me flee to it—it is very small, isn’t it?* Then my life will be spared. Unless you’ve got something against Tahoe.”
  21. He said to him, “Very well, I will grant this request too; I will not overthrow the town you speak of.
  22. But flee there quickly, because I cannot do anything until you reach it.” (That is why the town was called Zoar. Zoar, of course, means, “Isn’t it funny that an all-powerful God just admitted that he cannot do something?”)
  23. By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land, and all the blind zombie people suddenly had morningwood.
  24. Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah—from the Lord out of the heavens. Which is like Canadian weather, except hot.
  25. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities—and also the vegetation in the land. The cockroaches and the lawyers were all that survived.
  26. But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. Which either means God destroyed the city using the Improbability button from Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or she must’ve really ignored her doctor when he told her to reduce her sodium intake.
  27. Early the next morning Abraham got up and returned to the place where he had stood before the Lord.
  28. He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land of the plain, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace. Except not the kind you want to roast marshmallows over, because of all the dead people in it.
  29. So when God destroyed the cities of the plain, he remembered Abraham, and he brought Lot out of the catastrophe that overthrew the cities where Lot had lived. But he didn’t give a shit about their version of the Blue Man Group.

    Lot and his daughters

  30. Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. Mostly they grumbled a lot, not just in their horrible change of real estate, but that they were now stuck alone with a guy who nearly threw them to rapists. And he wouldn’t even let them go to the mall anymore!
  31. One day the older daughter said to the younger, “Our father is old, but he’s not really that fugly. And there is no man around here to give us children*—as is the custom all over the earth. Well except for Kentucky where people get kids through the black market.
  32. Let’s get our father to drink wine and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father.”
    And the other daughter screamed, “Ewww! How hard up are you anyway, Debbie?” That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and slept with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up, and to be honest, living in Sodom and Gomorrah, he’d had way better anyway.
  33. The next day the older daughter said to the younger, “Last night I slept with my father. He wasn’t too bad. Certainly better than those horny people back home. Let’s get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and sleep with him so we can preserve our family line through our father.” She tried to say no, but the more she persuaded her, the more she realized that if he was drunk and not moving, it wouldn’t be all that different than fucking Charlie Sheen.
  34. So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up. Which makes these two the strangest kind of cat burglars ever.
  35. So both of Lot’s daughters became pregnant by their father. He tried to deny it, but Maury Povich came in to put an end to that right away.-
  36. The older daughter had a son, and she named him Moab; he is the father of the Moabites of today. And this explains why he had a thing for older guys.
  37. The younger daughter also had a son, and she named him Ben-Ammi; he is the father of the Ammonites of today. He’s also who they named Ben Gay after.
14 Notice he didn't tell them he was about to throw their betrothed out to be raped all night. I suppose that's not the best way to give the bride away, is it?
20 – This weird clause of, “It is small, isn’t it?” just feels like comedy. Like maybe he was pointing to Tucson or something. I’ve often wondered if he was suggesting a smaller town can’t be filled with sin, and therefore deserves to be saved. But then, I’ve lived in Tucson, and I know damned well that’s a very incorrect assumption. It’s amazing how many perverts live there. But enough about my friends.
31 I guess we're to assume then that the sons-in-law didn't come with. Clearly we know why they were unable to have kids and had to resort to humping dad. They must've been so fugly that the guys would rather die than get married to them. Pretty sure the same thing happened to my sister.