Sunday, June 9, 2013

Genesis 2: The forest of bizarre trees, and the first ever hookup

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Genesis: Chapter Two
The forest of bizarre trees, and the first ever hookup
  1. Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array and photographed for postcards sold in the gift shop
  2. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work by sitting in a hot tub and listening to Enya music.
  3. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he got lit up on a bowl and had the most mellow day, yo.

    Adam and Eve 
  4. This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created, when the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, because we forgot some stuff and want to do it again. Just go with us on this people.
  5. Now no shrub had yet appeared on the earth and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no one to work the ground, so apparently plants didn't come until after humans actually... our bad,
  6. but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground. 
  7. Then the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground and some silicone just to give him shape and structure in the posterior area and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being, complaining about all the garlic and cabbage on God's breath.
  8. Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden, violating several zoning laws and angering the neighbors to no end; and there he put the man he had formed creating the very first section eight living situation, angering them even more
  9. The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground using his easy-grow Chia set—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. Not to mention amazing for hugging, if you're into that sort of thing. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil right next to the tree of gossip, the yucca plant of flatulence, the shrub of yodeling, and the tree of the knowledge of the difference between ass and elbow.
  10. A river watering the garden flowed from Eden and was therefore full of Adam's pee; from there it was separated into four headwaters. 
  11. The name of the first is the Pishon, named because Adam used this river to pish on;  it winds through the entire land of Havilah, where there is gold and, of course, Glenn Beck to pitch that gold to paranoid people
  12. (The gold of that land is good, although it's under seasoned and needs a little acidity; aromatic resin and onyx are also there but what really puts Havilah on the map is its deli. Oy they know how to make fresh lox and bagels!
  13. The name of the second river is the Gihon, named after Gihon Murray, the inventor of cheese; it winds through the entire land of Cush where cushions were invented.
  14. The name of the third river is the Tigris, although I personally think they should call it Foxy; it runs along the east side of Ashur, which was a fine town before that Wal-Mart put everybody out of business. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. We named it after Euphratia, the town slut, because it's the heaviest flowing river of all.
  15. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it,  offering only the minimum wage and no real dental plan
  16. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 
  17. but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die. And if I were you I'd avoid the tree of anal warts as well, although that's pretty much common sense.
  18. The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone, and his obsession with hand puppets is beginning to disturb me. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And so the Lord God made him a profile on but, let's face it, he used a photo of Adam that was far from recent. Getting no hits, he almost resorted to Craigslist but realized even Adam isn't that desperate, so he started making animals for him instead.
  19. Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. I know I just told you in the previous chapter that the animals came before man, but I was tired and hadn't had my morning coffee yet. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 
  20. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. It was all fine at first, but after awhile Adam's ADHD began to wear on him, and he started giving animals stupid names, like wallaby, platypus, and Ke$ha, so the Lord God hurried things along.
    -But for Adam no suitable helper was found. He went right back to his handpuppets, and God had  already had quite enough of that.
  21. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep using his previously mentioned Enya music; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. It seemed like a good idea at the time. The Lord God would later realize there were plenty of other body parts that could've served the purpose better. Like a toe. Or maybe a little scrotum skin. Adam had low-hangers, after all.
  22. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, which was hardly the most unnatural thing ever created from a rib. I mean ever had a McRib? And he brought her to the man.
  23. The man said, “She's not really my type, but what are ya gonna do? --------This is now bone of my bones
    ---------and flesh of my flesh;
    -------she shall be called ‘woman,’
    ---------for she was taken out of man,
    ---------which sounds kinkier than it really is
  24. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. It makes a lot of sense if you don't give it any thought and just drink a lot.
  25. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame, for there were no magazines full of airbrushed people to make them feel inferior and self conscious.