Thursday, July 25, 2013

Mark 4: The savior who missed the whole point of teaching

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Mark: Chapter Four
The savior who missed the whole point of teaching
    seed The Parable of the Sower
  1. Again Jesus began to teach by the lake, because he had forgotten his swimsuit and had nothing better to do there. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. He also regretted forgetting his sailor suit, but realized that might look a little too gay anyway.
  2. He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: ..
  3. “Listen!” And the crowd tried, but it was hard to hear him from a boat way out on the water. “A farmer went out to sow his seed.” Some of the people giggled because he said seed. 
  4. “As he was scattering the seed,” some nearly fell out laughing now, “some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up.” At this point they were nearly in pain.
  5. “Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow.” Now they were giggling at the words, sprang up quickly. 
  6. “But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root.” Now they were giggling at the idea of it withering. 
  7. “Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain.” Now they started giggling because he said choked and bear grain, and Jesus shouted, “SHUT UP! I can hear you people taking what I’m saying as dirty, and you’ll be damned to hell for it. Anyways, as I was saying, 
  8. still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.” The innuendo was clearly over, so the silly ones left and the parable continued.
  9. Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” So those who didn’t have any ears felt offended and left (although how they were able to hear him say this is puzzling).
  10. When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. Because back in biblical days, alone meant you were surrounded by Twelve apostles and a bunch of people bothering you with questions.
  11. He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables
  12. so that,
    ------“‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
    ------and ever dealting it but never smelting it,
    ------and ever hearing but never understanding,
    ------and ever airing it but never declaring it;
    ------otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’”*
  13. Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? Maybe I should give you a decoder ring.
  14. The farmer sows the word. And don’t start giggling, because I said word, not seed.
  15. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. I can still hear you giggling, and I want you to knock if off! As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Stop laughing!” Everyone fell out at this point, imagining that Satan was into felching.
  16. “Others, like seed sown on rocky places,” and he lost all control again, but tried to continue anyway, “hear the word and at once receive it with joy.”
    “Oh yeah, receive it with joy!” one guy said, and Jesus was incapable of regaining any control after this. He merely continued as though nobody was there:
  17. “But since they have no root, they last only a short time.”
    “My husband only lasts a short time!” shouted one woman.
    “When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.
  18. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word;
  19. but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.”
    “We haven’t been fruitful because all ever does is choke his seed!” the woman said again, and the crowd was in tears.
  20. “Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown—and that’s all I’ve got, people. I’m out of here. You’re all going to hell,” and with that he went on somewhere else to teach, hoping he would find people who weren’t childish perverts.
    A Lamp on a Stand
  21. He said to them, “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand?”
    The guy sitting next to him turned and said, “Who are you? And why are you talking to me about bed?”
  22. “It’s a metaphor,” Jesus said. “Do you hide them or stick them out? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open.
  23. If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.”
    The man looked upset now. “Are you making fun of my ears?” Jesus shook his head furiously trying to avoid violence. “Because I’m not bringing anything of mine out into the open for you, freak. What kind of pervert are you anyway?”
  24. “Consider carefully what you hear,” he continued. “With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more.
  25. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.” But the guy just looked befuddled, and then began becoming angry by his confusion. So Jesus went to talk to someone else, this time not in a tavern.
    The Parable of the Growing Seed
  26. He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground.”
    The woman doing his nails said, "Isn’t that what Onan did?”*
  27. No, different kind of seed. Pay attention. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how.
  28. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head.” She giggled when he said, then the head, and he realized this was pointless as well, but at least finished his thought. 
  29. “As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.” She didn’t look like she understood, so he let her finish his nails and then paid her.
    The Parable of the Mustard Seed
  30. Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it?”
    The bus driver said, “Uh… is it like bacon?”
  31. No. It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth.”
  32. “Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade.”
    “Bacon’s pretty small.”
  33. Yes, but I’m  not talking about bacon.” With many similar parables Jesus spoke the word to them, as much as they could understand, and clearly they couldn’t understand a damned thing.
  34. He did not say anything to them without using a parable, because he couldn’t grasp the concept of teaching, which is to help the person understand what you’re trying to say. But when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything. And because they were told the secret that others couldn’t grasp magically on their own, they began to feel elitist and walked around like annoying know-it-alls.
    Jesus Calms the Storm
  35. That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.”
  36. Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, dressed in SCUBA gear and swim flippers, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.
  37. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.
  38. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”
    Jesus said, “Who’s drowning? I’m prepared, bitch.” But the disciples wouldn’t leave him alone.
  39. He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still! I need my beauty sleep, dammit!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
  40. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
    They looked at him like, Well excuuuuuuse me, but I’m not a fucking wizard like you are! and he went back to bed.
  41. They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him! But he can’t teach a frickin’ lesson to save his life!
12 – Verses 9 and 10 from Isaiah 6, which wasn’t a prophecy about the Messiah at all. It was instead a prophecy about how the United States Congress under the first black president.
26 – From the 38th chapter of Genesis, Onan was the one who “spilled his seed” on the ground and it was considered punishable. Why? Not because he was wanking, but because he wasn’t making his brother’s wife pregnant. But in reality, Onan just wanted to see if he was as much of a shooter as he had been in his youth.