Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Mark: Chapter Two
The power of annoying people
Jesus Forgives and Heals a Paralyzed Man
- A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. They began immediately looking busy so that he wouldn't get angry with them.
- They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them, and they pretended to listen and care so that he wouldn't smite them, but they all wished he'd end it before the big game came on.
- Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. The plan was to keep him occupied on a helpless, non-moving target so that he wouldn't involve any of them. Roger the paraplegic was pissed and thought they'd better be lucky he was paralyzed because he wanted to kick their asses for this.
- Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. This is just how far they'd go to punish Roger. They hated him. Yeah, he was crippled, but he was a real dick.
- When Jesus saw (what he misinpterpreted to be) their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
Roger replied, "Oh gee thanks, your highness. Your father made me paralyzed so that I can't move, but at least he forgives me! Meanwhile I still can't move and he doesn't give a shit about how I think about Him, does he?" but the crowd drowned his comments out with more shouts so that Jesus wouldn't know what was going on.- --
- Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves,
- “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” and they began thinking what a fantastic get-rich-quick scheme this could become if there were only some way to broadcast such a message to the idiot masses.- --
- Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things?
- Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’?"
- Roger then thought, "Oh sure, now you're demanding I carry a mat! In my condition! Why don't you, ya lazy sonofabitch?"
- But Jesus continued and said, "I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins and also to trick people into thinking a cracker is his skin if he wants to.” So he said to the man,
- “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.”
- Roger's outrage and indignation over this incredibly rude and insensitive command made his legs develop strength. Without realizing he was doing it, he yelled, "Fine!" and then he got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. -This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this! We knew this Jesus person was annoying, but we didn't know his intolerable personality was so bad it could cause a crippled person to run away!" and so they all went to him with their own afflictions so he could annoy them away as well.
Jesus Calls Levi and Eats With Sinners
- Once again Jesus went out beside the lake. A large crowd came to him, thinking he'd just deal them a nickel bag, but then he began to teach them, and they listened and were in awe, because LSD made him actually interesting to them.
- As he walked along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” Jesus told him, and Levi got up and followed him because he becomes strangely obedient and submissive when he's on ecstacy. --
- While Jesus was having dinner at Levi’s house, many tax collectors and sinners were eating with him and his disciples, for there were many who followed him in much the same way that there are many who follow the Kardashians.
- When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners? Wouldn't it be much more fun to eat with drag queens? They throw a much better spread.” ---
- On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” And they began to wonder if he made housecalls for sinners, just in case they were ever caught masturbating again.
Jesus Questioned About Fasting
- Now John’s disciples and the Pharisees were fasting because all of the drug munchies were making them gain way too much weight. Some people came and asked Jesus, “How is it that John’s disciples and the disciples of the Pharisees are fasting, but yours are not?” -
- Jesus answered, “How can the guests of the bridegroom fast while he is with them? They cannot, so long as they have him with them.
- But the time will come when the bridegroom will be taken from them, and on that day they will fast."
They answered, "What the fuck does that mean?" --
- Jesus made things worse by saying, “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse.
- And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”
They finally just said, "Sure, whatever," and left him there babbling like a crazy person.
-- Jesus Is Lord of the Sabbath
- One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain and were playing a game of I Spy as they did so. One disciple said, "I spy with my little eye something that's white and runs down my thigh!" and the answer was obviously pus, as he was suffering from a terrible case of veneral disease.
- The Pharisees said to him, “Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?”- --
- He answered, “Because they're higher than God!" - The Pharisees said, "Nobody is higher than God!" - Jesus realized they misunderstood. "No," he said, "They are high. You know, three sheets to the wind? Shnockered? Under the influence? Chasing the dragon? Paying homage to a young Drew Barrymore? And because of that, they have the munchies. Is that's so wrong? Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need?
- In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions. They were even more intoxicated than we are!” ---
- Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.
- So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” They just left him there and shook their heads. Jesus was getting used to it.