Saturday, June 15, 2013

The AFA can't help but obsess with size and penis

The AFA, or as I like to call them, FAMBLA (like my new banner?) sends out lots of fambulous emails that are worth getting. After all, how can you know what their little Jebus-panties are getting into a bunch about if you don't subscribe? Well, turns out, their new enemy is macaroni and cheese. Or, if you will, cheese and macaroni.

Yes, Kraft. Because of the ad in People Magazine... this one:

OMFG A MAN'S BODY!!! And so let's see what they had to say... this is the email they sent out, and as usual, my heckling comments in red letters:

Kraft - from cheesiest to sleaziest with latest ad

Kraft has gone too far and needs to hear from you today! 
June 13, 2013

Dear Ray, 
Last week's issue of People Magazine, which every Christian in the world should be reading and concerning themselve with, because stories about Kim Kardashian are very holy to us, had the most disgusting ad on the inside front cover that we have ever seen Kraft produce. Clearly they've never seen the way cheese is produced. A full 2-page ad features a n*ked man And apparently naked is a naughty word now? lying on a picnic blanket with only a small portion of the blanket barely covering his g*nitals.  
Barely covering? BARELY? I can see more hint of genital in your average Adam & Eve portrayal from illustrated Bibles meant for KIDS to read:

It is easy to see what the ad is really selling. That's right... they're selling GENITALS! No wait...
You can see the ad here, but be warned, it is offensive. You know, if you think the human body is a horrible horrible thing. Which I don't. My only problem is that I want them to MOVE THAT GODDAMNED BLANKET CORNER!

A person has to look closely to see the item the company is marketing [Are you calling his genitals hard to see?] because the salad dressing bottle is so small next to the male model,  picnic basket and other food items. Notice that they're offended by genitals, but they immediately make this an issue on size?  
There is also a small Kraft logo in the upper corners with the words "Silverware Optional - Let's Get Zesty." The website is listed in the bottom corner.  
Yes, and this has been on the television as well. It's purpose is that, even though it has nothing to do with sex, it's funny to make it about sex in a very gratuitous way, because why would women care about salad dressing otherwise? That's kind of the joke here. Gratuity as amusement:

Kraft has gone too far and will push away loyal, conservative customers with this new ad campaign. Loyal customers? I think most people pretty much go to the dressing aisle of their supermarket looking for whatever sounds good and costs less. We're about as loyal as you Christians are to the actual teachings of Jesus... which, because of your giving-a-shit about what's in something as insane as People Magazine, I can tell is almost not at all. And anybody loyal to a salad dressing is hardly devoting themselves to anything of such high moral fiber that they're going to let nipples drive them away.  
The consumers they are attempting to attract - women and mothers - are the very ones they are driving away. Not based on any of the television spots I've seen... like this one... or this one... or certainly not based on this one... so like your religion's constant threats of a coming apocalypse, your threat holds no truth whatsoever.  
Who will want Kraft products in their fridge or pantry if this vulgarity is what they represent? I refer you again to the links above and say... um... every woman and gay man in the country.
Please send Kraft an email letter and urge them to move that goddamned blanket corner out of the way! ...discontinue their offensive "Let's Get Zesty" campaign immediately. Kraft has gone too far and needs to hear from you now! 
1. Most effective: Make a personal phone call to Kraft Foods at 1-877-535-5666. Be kind, but firm, in sharing your feelings. Seriously? Their phone number ends in 666 and you people didn't care to make them remove that as well?
2. Very effective: Copy and paste (or write your own) this message on Kraft's Facebook page at 
I find your latest "Zesty" advertising campaign distasteful and offensive. I'm disappointed to know Kraft has lowered its corporate standards to this level.  
Or for you reading this and wanting to also send them a message, but suffering the same FAMBLA member in ability to type your own message or think for yourself, you can use mine: 
Dear Kraft, I wish you'd move the goddamned tablecloth corner so I can see better. And if it's not that big, you might want to use one of those miniature single-serving bottles to help make him look bigger by comparison. Just a suggestion. 
3. For Twitter users: @Kraftdressing Kraft goes from cheesy to sleazy. Shame on them. #kraftdressing Or use my tweet:  
@Kraftdressing needs to move the blanket corner so I can see his... ahem... cucumber better! #ilovecock
4. Email Users: Our OneMillionMoms division is swamping Kraft with emails. You can send your email here 
Oh get real! Being swamped by OneMillionMoms is like being beaten up by One Direction. You don't have that much over a thousand and nobody listens to you idiots anyway. HomeDepot didn't. Target didn't. JCPenny didn't. And they're all doing very well, thank you very much.

The human body is a beautiful thing. It's not offensive. It's not shameful. It's not an affront to your existence. Get over it. We've covered up body parts for centuries just because some people can't stop having a crybaby hissy fit if they're exposed to them. You've had your way long enough.