Thursday, April 11, 2013

Drunken Bible


Found this circling around the internet. There's actually more to it than even said here, but it is hilarious this much fail exists in its first two chapters, and can still be called infallible and without contradiction by believers.

The order of creation is clear in the first chapter, based on its seven days:

  1. Dark and light created (1:1-5)
  2. Created the sky and then... used the... um... sky? To separate the waters. (1:6-8)
  3. Made land. Called the waters seas. Didn't create them, just decided they could probably use a name or something. Doesn't say he gave a name to anything else, so presumably the sky, waters, and land were all like, "Hey, we wanna name too!" and God was all, "I'm busy. Shut up." Created and began growing plants and trees. (1:9-13)
  4. Created lights in the sky so that there could be... wait... day and night? Which there's been the past few days, which... wait... what made days and night before? I guess the plants need them or something. Anyways, stars, planets, moon and stars, all so we can tell time apparently. I guess this is also when he made things that fly through space and could potentially one day kills us. So in short, time kills. (1:14-19)
  5. Birds, fish and animals, and the idea of sexual multiplication within them apparently. Everything before that clearly was asexual. So that really dates the fuck out of Michael Jackson. (1:20-23)
  6. Even more animals. Cattle. Snakes. Bill O'Reilly. And then decided, hey... how about something that looks like us? So he created man and woman. Apparently at the same time. No distinction. Just animals first, then people. Interesting, no? (1:24-31)
  7. Then he got bored and, presumably because of all the shiny things he made, decided to rest. (2:1-3)
So in other words: 
Dark/night - sky/waters - land/plants & trees - day/night - animals - animals/man - ADHD

Now it starts all over. Let's retell it all again for some reason, and now let's fuck that order up:

  1. No shrubs or plants because there aren't any rain or people to work it. You know, because people are needed for plants to exist. So he made a man and blew in the dude's nostrils, because he's kinky that way. No woman, just a man. (2:4-7)
  2. Garden, called Eden (he hasn't even named the man yet), which apparently is a garden of trees. I guess go big or go home, am I right? (2:8-9)
  3. Some rivers, of course they're not created right now. They're just named. So apparently it's important to name rivers more than that person thingie. (2:10-14) Then puts the man in the garden and gave him rules about what to eat, so he creates rules and diet plans. (2:15-17)
  4. Decides man is lonely so he tries to find a partner for him. First, animals. Because God is a fucking kinky son of a bitch. Adam names all the animals, and I guess makes damned sure they all know who their daddy is. But apparently Adam is more vanilla, so God decides to make a person without a penis, and voila. Eve. He names her woman. Everything has a name now but him. Although suddenly in verse 20 the narrator calls him Adam, so apparently that was slipped by us. (2:18-23)
  5. Marriage, because man and wife are united by their... rib. Or penis bone, someone suggested. I don't know, but on the fifth step God creates domestic issues and mothers-in-law. (2:24)
So in other words:
Man - Plants - Rules - Animals - Woman - Marriage

No contradiction there. Nosiree! And so this infallible account should tell us all who and how we should marry, and it shall not be questioned. Or else God'll make you suffer for all eternity because he loves you.

Yeah, that's pretty fucking drunk.