If you give a liberal the oval office…

And now let's all read this actual report from the American Family Association, or FAMBLA*, just dripping with the juicy blood of Jesus, and with my own added comments in red letters, as always...

Today’s FAMBLA email’s title read: If you give a liberal the oval office, it’s neither pretty nor funny. It leads to this article:

The Obama administration has answered the question of what happens when you give liberals the Oval Office in absolutely no way whatsoever, since there hasn’t been a real liberal in the oval office for several decades… but don’t let that stop you from your ridiculous rant there, Knight: - and it's not pretty or even a bit funny. Actually it’s hilarious. See, he’s been using Republican ideas, and you guys have been revealing your hate by opposing his ever move even though they’re things you were for before, and showing the world how you call anything you hate liberal, even though it’s irrational hate, and anything but liberal. You wouldn’t know real liberal if it crawled up your ass and bit you, because you haven’t seen anything liberal in forever. You merely let your media and marching-order media tell you what liberals are, in their constant insult of liberals to make their pathetic talking points, so that you’ll hate what’s called liberal in the same Pavlovian way a dog barks at a doorbell. Hint: they’re lying their asses off about liberals, and you’re idiots for believing them.

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You know that clever ad by a satellite dish company that shows what happens to a man who gets bored waiting for the cable guy? You know how to be even remotely on topic?

As with the children's books that began with If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, the man endures a series of mishaps, the final one showing his elderly dad getting punched over a can of soup during a riot. The tagline is, "Don't let your dad get punched over a can of soup ...." which sounds more like a scenario ending if Republicans let this country become a resource-drained, shortage-ridden, FDA-absent corporate haven, if you ask me.

It's a perfect analogy to the spiraling tyranny (and the tossing of the word salad begins) of centralized mismanagement (notice they never talk about the mismanagement of Congress? Wonder why? Is it because they’re not the single Democrat black guy they want you to hate so much?) epitomized by ObamaCare (which hasn’t actually cancelled any plans at all, so it sure sounds to me that you should blame the mismanagement on the insurance companies doing the cancelling and not the guy responsible for ZERO cancellations) and other rogue federal programs (why name them? Just blame them namelessly and mention no reason to hate what you don’t even name) under President Obama (because he runs everything single-handedly, apparently). Here's how it goes:

Let’s count the lies, shall we?

If you fail to bother to pay attention or even vote¹, you get a liberal in the White House² and a bunch of them in Congress³. When you get liberals in power⁴, you get bad laws⁵. When you have bad laws, you need penalties to ensure compliance⁶. When you have more penalties⁷, you need more enforcers⁸. When you have more enforcers, you lose your freedom to run your business⁹. When you can't run your business, you lay off people¹⁰.

When you lay off people, they go on welfare and food stamps¹¹. When they go on welfare and food stamps, they vote for lawmakers who will give them more free stuff¹². To pay for more free stuff, the government raises taxes and borrows money from China to service the national debt¹³. When China crooks its finger, Uncle Sam crawls to Beijing, asking for mercy¹⁴. Don't make Uncle Sam crawl to Beijing asking for mercy¹⁵....

Now let’s explain why those are lies:

1. …which Republicans want to happen, which is why they’re doing all they can to block people from voting. You know, if they’re minorities who’ll vote Democrat. So if you fail to bother to vote, chances are, we’ll have a Republican, actually.
2. …which we haven’t had in decades, and you still blame loads of things on. His name is Jimmy Carter. You guys are always picking on us for blaming Bush (for what he’s actually responsible for) yet you still like picking on him.
3. …where? There’s a small few. Don’t forget you have Republican majority, many Democrats are actually moderate or conservative rather than liberal, and much of what you call liberal right now are things your hero, Reagan, believed in as well. Funny though, you just keep blaming everything on all things liberal.
4. …you get something that would be anti-corporate, and when’s the last time we’ve seen that happen?
5. …you mean like PATRIOT Act, or Citizens United, or Stand Your Ground, or Proposition 8, or anti-abortion bill after anti-abortion bill, all of which do nothing for the people but restrict rights to the people, and all of which came from CONSERVATIVES??? Meanwhile this one Republican idea (the ACA was a Republican idea) comes from one black Democrat and suddenly it’s liberal and a bad law because it actually helps the people. Go figure.
6. Penalties only protect bad laws now? You again miss the point of putting people on board into the insurance pool. Because those not on it will already penalize the rest of us with ER trips that we pay for, which is some of that socialism you say you hate. This makes people pay for their own healthcare. That’s a boost for capitalism actually. Funny how you’re suddenly against it because black Democrat guy did it.
7. More penalties? They’re not mogwaii. They don’t multiply in water. There’s one penalty.
8. Oh I see, you’re going for a whole healthcare leads to fourth reich scenario to scare the shit out of people. We don’t need more enforcers. We have tax code to do it. You’re not going to see some gestapo. Did you see any in Massachusettes after Romneycare? No? So drop the fearmonger tactic.
9. You’ve lost no freedom to run your business. You simply can’t do as business has done to bilk people out of their deserved benefits. Oh wait, you still can. You now get to drop their hours so they work one hour less than required, not because it’s actually good for your business, but because you’re an asshole who wants your employees to be unhealthy so that you can squeeze every penny. Except that’s stupid. Because businesses that pay their employees a living wage and benefits actually are more profitable due to employee morale, lack of lost hours due to sickness, etc., leaving you without excuse. Not that you’ll stop making those excuses.
10. Yeah, just like you do if we raise the minimum wage, right? Another lie. But hey, businesses keep doing these sleazy things, and you keep blaming the black Democrat guy. You forget it was their sleazy shit that led to the necessity of the ACA and the raising of the minimum wage in the first place. Face it, your talking points are merely anti-people bullshit.
11. Actually, they’re already on them while they’re working. It’s called paying employees so poorly they have to have these subsidies to barely get by. Which wouldn’t be necessary if businesses are made to pay a living wage and provide healthcare benefits, which…… brings us full circle to you being completely full of shit.
12. Benefits and wages are things these people worked for. To call them free stuff is ridiculous. Free stuff goes by the trillions to the big businesses who then pay their employees for shit. Besides, many of these workers, like you, have been duped to vote Republican by your kneejerk, McCarthyism spewing, hate-filled drap about Democrats. I’d rather the people vote for their self interests than against them out of hate. There is far more virtue in compassion for people than hate for liberals.
13. That has nothing to do with the debt racked up for wars, corporate subsidies, and actual mismanagement galore caused by Congress, of course. Remember, the ones getting the trillions in free subsidies then avoid paying taxes! It’s funny that you think all that debt is the black guy in office and the poor people on welfare even though they’re working! I see how this goes now. Just like you keep blaming all the debt we’re in on unions and teachers and the poor, you’re also blaming it all on Democrat black guy, and whining about taxes that you’ll never actually pay because the ones having to draw foodstamps while fucking working have to pay!
14. And why? Because even the Chinese are more merciful than your average fucking Republican.
15. So stop voting Republican. After all, we never balance the budget under them, do we? Nope. Never.

Truthfully we shouldn’t be too surprised by their ridiculous scenario. After all, the point of the commercial is humor. They create a laughingly ridiculous scenario to make you laugh, but even they know that it’s ridiculous to think you’d switch television service to prevent your father being punched for food. And yet in mimicking this, they don’t realize they just created an equally ridiculous scenario. Let me do it!

 

Unlike their take on things, this isn’t a ridiculous scenario. This is recent history. Don’t let them make you forget it. Right now they are desperate as hell to make everything Obama does out to be the worst thing ever!!! no matter what, so that you’ll hopefully buy into their crap and forget recent history. Don’t forget recent history. Turn off FoxNews.

 

*FAMBLA was the name given to the AFA by none other than Jon Stewart on the Daily Show when he reported about a flaming cross Christmas ornament they'd sold on their website. Everyone else in the WWW seems to have forgotten about this except for someone named "UnderCover Couch Potato" in the comments of this page, or Texas Revolutionary in the comments for this DailyKOS article. My deepest sympathies to Husna on Twitter who used @fambla as his username.