Clearly such a debate is incredibly important, as promised the video announcing the debate says…
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But what happens when the side you didn’t want to win, clearly wins the debate? Wouldn’t it be completely pathetic for atheists to hide evidence that God shouted down from the heavens and proved His existence? Wouldn’t everyone be telling atheists that they sucked all kinds of donkey balls and should go straight to hell for their lies? Yes. And they’d deserve it.
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I mean, men of God don’t act that way. Of any gods. Remember when Elijah challenged the priests of Baal to a showdown on Mount Carmel? And the challenge was to call fire down onto the sacrifices they had prepared. Whomever could bring fire down from the prayers to their god would win. Baal’s priests tried like crazy. Elijah even taunted them to pray louder, and they even went so far as to cut themselves! And nothing. Then Elijah prayed and WHAM!!! Fire fell onto his sacrifice, even though he’d wettened it with buckets of water! And when it was done, the priests of Baal were killed for their lies. Killed I say! KILLED!!!
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So that’s exactly what should happen in a debate like this. When one side loses and then lies, they should be taken out and set on fire. So that’s what we should do to the atheists that lost and then hid the footage so that nobody could see the……… wait, what? I’m sorry? I’m being told that’s not what happened at all.
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Oooh. This is awkward.
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It seems on October 12th, the event, called The Great Debate, hosted at the Adventure Christian Church in Roseville, California, sponsored by William Jessup University, was to find an answer to that very question: “What provides a better foundation for civil society: Christianity or Secular Humanism?” And when all was said and done, it seems that the church will not allow the footage to be released to the public, as they’d promised, onto their Vimeo page. Their response: It just didn’t go the way they’d wanted it to go. In fact the victorious heathen's comments asking for the video have been deleted!
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And so you’ll never get to see them handed their hat. And people are NOT happy as you can see by the comments on Vimeo:
So let’s retell the story of Elijah, as it probably really happened if it really happened, based on what happened here. Shall we?
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So Obadiah went to meet Ahab and told him some stuff and a few things, and maybe catch up on gossip about Jersey Shore, and Ahab went to meet Elijah. When he saw Elijah, he said to him, “Is that you, you troubler of Israel? And where did you get those fabulous shoes?”
But Elijah wasn’t in the mood to discuss footwear. “I have not made trouble for Israel,” Elijah replied. “But you and your father’s family have. You have abandoned the Lord’s commands and have followed the Baals. Apparently there’s more than one Baal now. Not really sure when that happened, but let’s just run with it. Now summon the people from all over Israel to meet me on Mount Carmel. Hopefully Ticketmaster can get things organized on such short notice. And bring the four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal and the four hundred prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table. And someone to sell popcorn and hotdogs, because people will get hungry.”
So Ahab sent word throughout all Israel and assembled the prophets on Mount Carmel. Elijah went before the people and said, “Llllllllleeeet’s get ready to ruuuuuuumble!!! How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him. Those of you here for Justin Bieber can just suck on it.”
But the people said nothing. Most of them were busy texting.
Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only one of the Lord’s prophets left because the rest of them decided to join boy bands instead. Of course they’re all rich and I’m eating shit from ravens in a river, but what are ya gonna do? But Baal has four hundred and fifty prophets. I know this because of government registration, but don’t tell gun nuts because it’ll make them more paranoid than they already are. So we’re going to have a prayer-off to settle this! Here are the rules: Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. And to prevent any trickery, we ask that there shall be no flash photography, thank you very much. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. So you can see, there’s going to be a lot of bull up in here tonight! Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire—he is God.”
Then all the people said, “What you say is good. But it’s kind of lame that you used auto-tune to say it.”
Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. I mean really, do you people recruit at bath houses or something? Sheesh. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire, because that would be cheating and I know the sound of a Bic when I hear it, so don’t even try that shit.” So they took the bull given them and prepared it. One of them misunderstood and tried to baste it, but he was promptly corrected.
Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. “Baal, answer us!” they shouted. “Baal? Are you up there? Aw come on! I know you can hear me! Hey, remember that time you farted and it caused the forest to explode? Do it again, but just give us a small squeak here, ol Baal baby?” But there was no response; no one answered. Not even a dial tone or busy signal. His voice mail didn’t even pick up. You’d think the bastard could’ve at least forwarded it somewhere, but no. And they danced around the altar they had made to no avail.
At noon Elijah began to taunt them. “Shout louder!” he said. “Do the Macarena or some line dancing or something! Maybe blow one of those annoying fucking vuvuzelas or something!” But nothing. “Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Or maybe he’s playing Candy Crush. You know how addictive that is.”
Everyone looked at him funny. “Well okay, I’ve heard it’s addictive. I’ve never played it.” They didn’t believe him, clearly. “Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.” So they shouted louder and slashed themselves with swords and spears, as was their custom, until their blood flowed. They even started singing I’m Henry the 8th I Am just like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, but nothing worked. Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention. Now they knew how people calling AT&T support feel.
Then Elijah said to all the people, “Come here to me.” They’d smelled his seven year stench from all that time hiding in the ravine with no soap, so reluctantly they came to him, and he repaired the altar of the Lord, which had been torn down using duct tape of course. Elijah took twelve stones, one for each of the tribes descended from Jacob to whom the word of the Lord had come, saying, “Your name shall be Israel.” Not that this has anything to do with anything, nor is it considered witchcraft at all, because that would just be silly. With the stones he built an altar in the name of the Lord, and he dug a trench around it large enough to hold two seahs of seed. Then he went and got a shrubbery! And when he was done, he went and got……… another shrubbery! Only slightly higher than the first so that there’d be a two-level effect with a lovely path down the middle. He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood, and then giggled slightly to himself because he realized he was playing with wood. Then he said to them, “Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.” They kept trying to, but a strange force kept changing it to wine. Elijah looked up and said, “Jesus, knock if off!” and heard a giggling come from the sky.
“Do it again,” he said, and they did it again.
“Do it a third time,” he ordered, and they did it the third time. The water ran down around the altar and even filled the trench.
At the time of sacrifice, the prophet Elijah stepped forward and prayed: “Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, let it be known today that you are God in Israel and that I am your servant and have done all these things at your command. And I even used lots of showmanship, just like you like. I mean I went Vegas up in here. You’d be totally proud of me. Answer me, Lord, answer me, so these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.”
Then the fire of the Lord……… didn’t do shit. Nothing. Just like the priests of Baal, Elijah found absolutely nothing happened whatsoever. So he fell and prayed harder, although the priests of Baal did not taunt him as he had so rudely done to them, because they realized they had no room to talk. In fact many of them were considering turning atheist. One of them had already begun reading Christopher Hitchen’s book while another was listening to The God Delusion on tape.
When all the people saw this, they fell laughing at how foolish all this bullshit really was, and started shouting, “The Lord is as fake as Baal and all the others! We could be at home having sex, but we came here, and both of these idiots suck!” Some of the priests tried to tell jokes, but they were booed off the stage.
Then Elijah stood up and tried to play it off. “See? There was a spark! They didnt’ get a spark, but I did! The Lord is God! He is!” But nobody else saw any spark at all, and the just looked at him funny. In a panic he shouted, “Seize the prophets of Baal. Don’t let anyone get away!” They seized him instead, realizing that even the prophets of Baal hadn’t brought this crap on them, because it was all Elijah’s idea. They took him to a looney bin and then promised the same of any of Baal’s priests, should they ever step out of bounds like this insane sack of shit had done.
Just then Ahab saw the skies bring the end of the drought, and he said, “Go, eat and drink, for there is the sound of a heavy rain. All this time we’d wondered why there was drought, and we thought it had something to do with deities and all that shit, but apparently it’s just the way weather works. And for the drought to end now is nothing but coincidence.” So Ahab went off to eat and drink, but Elijah slipped away, climbed to the top of Carmel, bent down to the ground and put his face between his knees. He did this because he realized if there was no God, then there’s no reason for him not to be practicing his magical gift of autofellatio.
“Go and look toward the sea,” he told his servant as he approached, trying to distract him from seeing what he was doing. And he went up and looked.
“There is nothing there,” he said.
Seven times Elijah said, “Go back,” because he was stalling so he could finish.
The seventh time the servant reported, “There is a giant monster made of pasta and meatballs!”
So Elijah said, “Go and tell Ahab, ‘Apparently we were all wrong, and we should dress like pirates and have a spaghetti celebration!’”
Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain started falling and Ahab rode off to Jezreel. The Noodly Appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster came on Elijah and, tucking his hook into his sleeve, he vowed never again to abstain from carbs, beer, or strippers.
Ramen, and pastalujah, motherfuckers! And on second thought, let’s not set fire to anybody over this debate. After all, they’re already pretty much finding their pants on fire as it is. And Secular Humanism wins by default. That’s all there is to it.
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