Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Mark: Chapter Five
Jesus finds a good slave boy and a skanky chick
- They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes in order to get away from the smell of all the Chick-fil-a joints.
- When Jesus got out of the boat,a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him and offer him some boat-rockin’, if you know what I mean.
- This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain. And since he was so into bondage, he was hoping Jesus would be the best Boy Scout of all and know how to tie a real knot.
- For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him, and he was a reeeeeeeeally naughty boy who wanted to be punished so very very badly.
- Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones, showing just how effective their rehab offices were in Gerasenes, don’t you think?
- When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him, like a good submissive should.
- He shouted at the top of his voice, “What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? In God’s name don’t torture me!” which was his way of using reverse psychology, because he did want Jesus to torture him.
- But Jesus hadn’t had his coffee yet, and was cranky. For Jesus had said to him, “Come out of this man, you impure spirit!” And then yelled, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
- Then Jesus asked him, “What is your name?”
“My name is Legion,” he replied, “for we are many.”
This annoyed Jesus greatly, because he hated when people didn’t just answer a damned question (which is what made him the biggest hypocrite of all since how straightforward is a parable-spouting jackass anyway?) but he assumed that the guy was trying to insinuate he had multiple personality disorder. So Jesus asked, “Are any of your personalities in there good at giving foot massage?
- The man shook his head obediently, excited at serving his new leather daddy, and he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.
- A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. They were perfectly innocent pigs, minding their own damned business, and planning on going to one of their pig friend’s piglet shower later on that day, but Jesus didn’t really consider them in any way whatsoever. Jesus decided, in his infinite wisdom, that all the other personalities in the man that didn’t give foot massage were demons, and he called them such.
- Then he hallucinated the demons begging, “Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them,” because he just wanted to get down to foot business.
- He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned. The rest of the people with Jesus were pissed because they were craving bacon. But all Jesus cared about what getting his doggies rubbed.
- Those tending the pigs were even more pissed than anyone, and they ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. Now it was becoming as crazy as a Backstreet Boys tour.
- When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the so-called legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and feeling severely unfulfilled, for he had massaged Jesus’ feet but hadn’t gotten any spanking in return; and they were afraid that the world was coming to utter shame if leather daddies didn’t care about their boys.
- Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man, and everyone wondered if maybe he used his safe word too soon—and they told about the pigs as well.
- Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region because everything was annoying as it was, but wasting bacon was severely frowned upon in these parts.
- As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him, wondering if he’d ever heard of a thing called reciprocity.
- Jesus did not let him, but said, “Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.”
- So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had used him without any reciprocation. And all the people were amazed, because they were all sick of having to bring the man to happy endings every time they wanted a simple foot massage.
Jesus Raises a Dead Girl and Heals a Sick Woman
- When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. And for this reason he figured he’d have to get a bigger boat and outrun these crazy freaks.
- Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet. Jesus looked at him and said, “What the hell is wrong with you, boy?”
- He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.”
Jesus said, “I like chicks and all, man, but I’ve never had a father try to get me to get all touchy with his daughter. That’s a little kinky.”
- So Jesus went with him because opportunity is opportunity, no matter what weird form it came in.
A large crowd followed and pressed around him, and Jesus was wondering if this was going to be a big show or if he’d be able to get some privacy.
- And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. This of course made Jesus wonder just how much blood was in her that she could bleed for so long and still be alive. Then he started wondering where it was from which she was bleeding, and he stifled a gag.
- She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. Of course this isn’t a statement on how ridiculous ancient medicine is, whatsoever, since we all know ancient medicine was so much wiser than today’s doctors. Nope, this is just to show that Jesus was able to use the only real healing power there actually is. Which is God and faith and shit. So...
- When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,
- because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” It seemed a good idea at the time, but that’s what mushrooms do to you.
- Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. And she also could finally see the damned hidden image in those Magic Eye pictures.
- At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” and wondered why they were smeared with the smell of tuna and despair.
- “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’”
And Jesus said to his disciples, “Don’t get sassy with me, sissy boys. I’ll slap you silly!”
- But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it, because, though he wouldn’t admit it, he kinda liked it.
- Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.
- He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
She went from him, thinking she had been healed, but in reality she had stopped bleeding because she was finally out of blood, and her pain went away because her brain was deprived of oxygen. She died before she got back to her home, but she never stopped smelling like the seafood truck that a long-bleeding baglady is expected to smell.
- While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?”
Jairus said, “I’m just wondering where he got those clothes,” and everyone wondered why anybody would be obsessed with Jesus’ style at all, as plain as they were.
- Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe. You too can save money and look this good at K-Mart!”
- He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James, because he really needed some time to do his makeup and care for his hair extensions.
- When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly.
- He went in and said to them, “Hey! This isn’t Def Comedy Jam! Why all this commotion and wailing?” They were still crying over the dead girl, who Jesus saw was much skankier than he had expected. “The child is not dead but asleep,” he said. “She just looks dead because her hairlip and goiter make her look like one of those depleted uranium stillbirth babies!”
- But they laughed at him. It was unclear if they thought he was crazy for suggesting she could be roused from the dead, or if they found his punchline to be refreshing.
After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was, realizing he no longer wanted what Jairus was pimping out.
- He took her by the hand and he meant to say, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”) but he stuttered because his Arabic was rusty, and shouted, “Tabitha klown!” (which, as it turns out, means “Look you little brat, my oyster feet have married your zebra!” and that wasn’t helpful at all).
- Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old. I don’t know why this should surprise anybody, nor be a parenthetical mention, but while we’re at it let’s also just state here, for the record, that she had also farted a little). At this they were completely astonished, because they realized that twelve is a really old age to start pimping your daughter out to silly mystics.
- Jesus gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, because he didn’t want anyone to think he banged skanks, and told them to give her something to eat so that he could see how chewing worked when you had a hairlip. He was just morbidly curious.