Thursday, July 11, 2013

Mark 3: Jesus and his twelve new homies: healing like a motherfuckin’ boss yo

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Mark: Chapter Three
Jesus and his twelve new homies: healing like a motherfuckin’ boss yo
    gangsta jesus Jesus Heals on the Sabbath
  1. Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. And this other time, while Jesus was at band camp...
  2. Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, because they so wanted his super cute shoes, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath, or if he’d just put it off while the guy got a second opinion.
  3. Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand (and let’s not ponder how his hand got that way, okay?), “Stand up in front of everyone.” And this was insensitive, for the man had a shriveled everything else, if you know what I mean.
  4. Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill? To feel like a nut, or sometimes don’t?” But they remained silent, because they were mutes and if Jesus had simply asked his all-knowing father what to do, he might have have known this.
  5. He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. This didn’t settle with him at all, for his withered hand flesh felt rather exciting to him when he was… well… you know.
  6. Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus. Some of them ordered unfortunately faulty assassination equipment from ACME.

    Crowds Follow Jesus
  7. Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, and a large crowd from Galilee followed, for they too had heard of the man who rocked the best hydroponic chronic.
  8. When they heard about all he was doing, many people came to him from Judea, Jerusalem, Idumea, and places with even dumber sounding names… like Moronea, Retardea, and Glennbeckea... and the regions across the Jordan and around Tyre and Sidon, home of the world’s largest vat of cream cheese.
  9. Because of the crowd he told his disciples to have a small boat ready for him, to keep the people from crowding him.
  10. For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him. He demanded that it be painted purple and scented with freesia candles, and that the pillows be hypoallergenic. In fact, he was starting to act like a serious diva, but he was the Son of God, and nobody dared deny him. Which makes me wonder what everybody’s excuse is in not rejecting Barbara Streisand’s bullshit demands.
  11. Whenever the impure spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, “You are the Son of God.” Of course they did this to lots of people. Just the week before they’d said the same thing to one of the Caesars, and the week before that, Zsa Zsa Gabor. But this time, like even a broken clock can do, they were right.
  12. But he gave them strict orders not to tell others about him. Meaning Jesus was also on the “down low” if you know what I mean.

    Jesus Appoints the Twelve
  13. Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him, for that is the power you can have over someone if you install a shock collar and carry the remote control.
  14. He appointed twelve that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach,
  15. and to have authority to drive out demons, and upon occasion, to pop a cap in a motherfucker’s ass, cuz some of them suckas wanna steel a homie’s stash..
  16. These are the twelve he appointed: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter, because why be named after an obedience game when you can have a name synonymous with cock?),
  17. James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means “sons of thunder” even though it sounds more like it means “dick power”… get it? Bone-energies?),
  18. Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Cubby, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Annette, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot
  19. and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him but made an amazing quiche.

    Jesus Accused by His Family and by Teachers of the Law
  20. Then Jesus entered a house, like they owned the joint, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. And that was not a good thing at all, for indeed, when a homie has the munchies, a homie needs to munch!
  21. When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.* And he seriously needs to cut his damned hair. He looks like a girl!
  22. And the teachers of the law who came down from Jerusalem said, “He is possessed by Beelzebul! Which is a pretty boss name for a demon, we admit, but still! By the prince of demons he is driving out demons. And he totally ate all our Funyuns, the big meanie.
  23. So Jesus called them over to him and began to speak to them in parables: “How can Satan drive out Satan?
  24. If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand.
  25. If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
  26. And if Satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand; his end has come.”
    This made everybody, stoned or sober alike, look up into the sky in wonder and say, collectively….. “Whoa.” But then Jesus kept talking.
  27. “In fact, no one can enter a strong man’s house without first tying him up. Then he can plunder the strong man’s house.”
    And then the stones ones became paranoid and afraid that someone was going to tie them up and steal their things, not even realizing they weren’t even in their own house. While the sober ones looked at him and thought, “You kinda went into left field there. Who’s tying people up now?” And Peter started getting excited because he secretly hoped to be flogged a little.
  28. Jesus continued: “Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter,
  29. but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin*.”
    And that’s when everybody began thinking, “He’s seeing spirits now? Pass that shit over!”
  30. He said this because they were saying, “He has an impure spirit” and it angered him, for he’d spent all night prior just washing his spirit and then applying a coat of Turtle Wax for good measure.
  31. Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived, which may seem strange that a virgin woman had brothers for Jesus, but I assure you, they’re just adopted. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him and tell him he was grounded for all the pay-per-view he ordered.
  32. A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”
  33. Jesus quickly hid his doobie and waved at the air around him to dissipate the smoke. Thinking quickly he said: “Who are my mother and my brothers?”
  34. Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!” but they all looked at each other as though they wanted to be left out of this Jerry Springer family moment, because they were pretty sure he was no relative of theirs whatsoever. 
  35. “Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother,” he said. And they still shrugged, for they were just here for the nugs.
21 – Family values indeed. His mom thought he was nuts, and then he disowns her for not being nuts with her. But then it really is easy to understand why a mother would want her son to stop acting like a gangster and lay off all the ganja.
29 – This is the line that terrifies many believers, for in some doctrines a person can blaspheme the spirit without realizing they were doing it, since apparently what it means to blaspheme the damned thing is pretty fucking vague. True believers end up terrified that the’ll do this by accident, since it is supposed to be unforgiveable and will land them in hell forever. Does it mean you make fun of someone “speaking in tongues” or that you dislike things that are fun and beautiful? Or does it mean you make fun of a spirit that’s full of holes and is therefore holy? That may be a pun, but don’t go calling the Holy Spirit a “Swiss Ghost” just in case. Oh shit. I just did.