Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Christianity & Buttsex – Just something to think about…

‎”If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a Christian.”
Mark Twain
I have to agree with this statement. If he were real, he’d never have heard of that word. He never refers to anybody by it. He calls his followers disciples (in Hebrew it’s something like mathetes). People are surprised to find out the word Christian is only in the bible 3 times, while disciple is in there over 270 times. And, it gives us the origin:
Then Barnabas went to Tarsus to look for Saul, and when he found him, he brought him to Antioch. So for a whole year Barnabas and Saul met with the church and taught great numbers of people. The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch.
Acts 11:25-26
Acts 11 says that the term was first used in Antioch. The people of Antioch saw these disciples coming and used the word as an insult: “little Christ.” People have long known it to be derogatory, but I’ve never heard anybody really suggest why. But I have an idea…
Antioch is in now in Turkey, once known as Greek conquered territory, or Asia Minor. Meaning, they’ve had a taste of Greek culture (after all, it’s named after Greek emperor Antiochus). So they knew what one meant, in Greek culture, when they called themselves a disciple of someone. There, a teacher took you in as his student. But as a teacher, they believed male and female energies cancelled out each others power of the divine. So they abstained. Not from sex, from opposite sex.
Sex wasn’t dirty, just magically destructive if with the opposite sex. So they had same-sex. Pretty much all men did. Remember in 300 where Leonidis makes fun of the Athenians being “boy lovers”? Well, he would’ve been fighting beside his same-sex lover. Military men of the Greek Empire and its many polises had opposite-sex spouses for unenjoyable procreation sex only. The woman must lie still. When he wants to enjoy sex, he does his same-sex partner, and the military paired them up under the belief that men will fight harder if protecting the man they loved  most.
How manly do you think them there Spartans are now?
But teachers and sophists just had to keep their spiritual connection with the divine while teaching a student, so they didn’t have opposite-sex sex at all. And that was how the disciple paid for his teachings. Buttsex.
Now, this once conquered territory hears a bunch of people using Greek and mentioning that they’re disciples of someone named Christ. They laughingly called these “disciples” Christians, or “little Christs”. Knowing all this, what do you think they meant? What do you think they were implying? That Christians are Jesus’ little butt pirates? I think that was definitely the implication.
Ah but Christianity has had one fascinating run with buttsex. From priests with boys, to the preservation of virginity. Butt what exactly is Christianity’s beef with buttsex anyway? One of my favorite counter-arguments against homosexuality is the “equipment design” statement. It goes as follows: A penis is not meant to go into that hole. That hole is disgusting. Therefore what you’re doing is disgusting. God doesn’t like things being used for what they’re not designed for.
Actual shirt on sale at
Now let me ask, is it disgusting if you use an ice pick not to pick ice, but to poke holes into the top crust of your apple pie? No, and if this in some way violates God’s laws, then God needs to get over himself. And God said: “Insert tab A only into slot B you stupid F-ing C!” I don’t think so.
His design isn’t exactly so clean. I mean after all, he’s the one who put the male G-spot up the man’s butt, AND he’s the one who made it so that we use the same parts for procreation that we do for peeing. Is that any cleaner? Not particularly.
And mostly, it’s important to note that we’re given spots that give us sexual pleasure so as to entice us to procreate. If He was such a great designer, why is it that the least effective way to stimulate the male or the female is by simply sticking the pee pee in the hoo hah anyway? A woman is better pleasured by the exploration of tongue into odd areas of the vagina. A man is best stimulated not just by shooting a load, but by having someone penetrate him from behind while he does it.
And what reproductive necessity does nipple stimulation or boob-lusting hold? If there’s a God, he made all these parts multi-functional, so get over it. A cock can go into several places, and several of those places seem perfectly capable of accepting it. Ever tried it? Or, ever admitted that you did, I should say.
But if multi-use of parts makes you so insane, then why do you use your mouth for preaching, when it’d be better used for telling people you love them? And why do you use your hands for violence when they could be better used for building? (Or perfectly useful for masturbating, as it turns out!)
And why do you use your brain for obeying, echoing, and programming, when it was designed for thinking?