I don’t know how I came to be on his mailing list, but I am, and I get his e-mails. Usually they’re all blame-Obama, waaahhhh they’re obstructing Republicans, and reports that are entirely 180°from the truth. But today he wants to teach you how to brine a turkey. I don’t know why. But if there’s anybody who’s been having lots of experience these past few years in handling turkeys, it’s Boner. Problem is, he sucks at it, since he hasn’t been able to get those Republicans (that’s who I meant) to stop being assholes. So by all means, try this recipe and see if he’s any better at this. If so, we can finally say he’s not an entire waste.
Oh, and happy Indian Massacre Appreciation Day! (Since that’s what the first Thanksgiving was them being thankful for… no, I’m not kidding. Although saying so is no doube a war on Thanksigiving, right Fox? But don’t think they haven’t survived and thrived despite us. They have, even though violence against them continues.
Ah well, enough of those facts that’ll just be dismissed carelessly as white guilt. Enjoy your turkeys and more of that gluttonous behavior that makes us the America that we are!
November 25, 2014
What’s not to love about Thanksgiving? It’s a time to gather together, catch up with our loved ones, and of course, try to impress them with our cooking skills.
If, like me, you’re responsible for the turkey, then you’ve probably got some special ingredient or some way you make it that you’ve perfected. For me, it’s brining the turkey. From my kitchen at home in West Chester, Ohio, you can see exactly what I mean:
If you end up giving this a try, let me know how it goes
. As for side dishes, I’d recommend my grandmother’s creamed spinach
. You can’t beat it.
No matter what you make, or how you make it, Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours. This is the day our forefathers set aside to reflect on how blessed we are to live in this great nation under God. It's a beautiful thing.
John Boehner
The Boehner Brine
Ingredients:
- 8 quarts water
- 6 bay leaves
- 2 cups Kosher salt
- 3 tbsp peppercorns
- 1 head of garlic
- 16 oz pure maple syrup
Bring the brine close to a boil, then let it cool. Put a bag in a five-gallon bucket. Wash the turkey and remove the insides. Put the turkey in the bucket. Pour the brine over to cover the turkey. Keep the turkey submerged. Let it stand overnight in the refrigerator or outside if it is cool enough. After 24 hours, take it out and rinse it off. At that point, it’s ready to be cooked.
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