Tuesday, January 28, 2014

AFA wants to warn you about those Satanic cookies

And now let's all read this actual report from the American Family Association, or FAMBLA*, just dripping with the juicy blood of Jesus, and with my own added comments in red letters, as always...

Online VersionOnline Version
Be informed: What Girl Scouts USA does with their cookie 'dough'
January 28, 2014
Dear Obedient Sheep Member,

girl scoutsAs Girl Scouts USA begins its annual cookie sale, I am asking you to consider what the organization supports with all that dough. I’d also ask you to consider making your bank accounts in my name, but I’m told that would be illegal due to the Satanic liberal government rules, I think.

Christy Volanski is the mother of two former Girl Scouts who created the website Speak Now Girl Scouts to expose the link between the group and the Planned Parenthood abortion business. That’s right! The Girl Scouts teaches kids to abort babies!!! That’s probably what they make the cookies out of! Those Do Si Dos are just a little too fleshy tasting for me, now that I think of it.

Recently, Christy wrote a very telling article for LifeSiteNews, What Every Pro-Lifer Needs to Know About The Girl Scouts' Link to Planned Parenthood. We didn’t read it either, but we want you to read it because we’re pretty sure it’s chock full of things that’ll make your fundamentalist heads go all ‘splodey and stuff.

As Christy clearly outlines in her article, "GSUSA will try to assure you that all the proceeds from cookie sales stay local to benefit girls in their community." So that only local girls kill their unborn babies to get chocolate chips. What they fail to mention is that GSUSA makes millions of dollars each year through licensing fees paid by the baker. That’s right, they MAKE MONEY!!! THOSE EVIL WOMEN PEOPLE!!! It's money like this that goes to promote the Girl Scout's partnership with Planned Parenthood. How do we know this? Because every one of those scouts have VAGINAS!!! And there aren’t any babies in them, so we’re pretty sure they’re aborting them!!!

Just this month, the Girl Scouts came under fire for tweeting a link to a news story and video that praises pro-abortion Texas state senator Wendy Davis (D-Texas.) That’s right! They like her! So they’re obviously all making fetus cookies!!!

It’s hard to say no to those little girls in the green and brown sashes, unless of course they want tax money to be spent on education or healthcare, in which case we do it all the time, but buying Girl Scout cookies serves only to further facilitate a very liberal pro-abortion agenda. So remember to buy only conservative cookies that aren’t made from babies at all!!! May we suggest generic Wal-Mart store brand cookies, which are instead made out of ground up abortion doctors!!!!!

When they knock on your door, just say, "No, thank you." No explanation is needed. After all, no explanation was needed for us to hate them other than a very convoluted trail of associations that eventually led to a liberal. Because that’s how we roll!

Sincerely paranoid for Jesus,
Tim Wildmon, President
Fascist Assholes Mudslinging Bullshit and Lies in America  

*FAMBLA was the name given to the AFA by none other than Jon Stewart on the Daily Show when he reported about a flaming cross Christmas ornament they'd sold on their website. Everyone else in the WWW seems to have forgotten about this except for someone named "UnderCover Couch Potato" in the comments of this page, or Texas Revolutionary in the comments for this DailyKOS article. My deepest sympathies to Husna on Twitter who used @fambla as his username.