Thursday, June 20, 2013

Mark 1: Fear and Loathing in Galilee - Oh where drugs will take a man!

Give us each day... Our Moldy Bread
Mark: Chapter One
Fear and Loathing in Galilee - Oh where drugs will take a man! 
John the Baptist Prepares the Way
  1. The beginning of the good news about Jesus the Messiah, the Son of God, the father of rock and roll, the king of swing, the Gippetto from the ghetto...
  2. as it is written in Isaiah the prophet:
    ---“I will send my messenger ahead of you,
    ----- (because our fax is broken)
    --- who will prepare your way”— 
  3. ----- “a voice of one calling in the wilderness, 
    ----where nobody can hear him,
    ----- so ya'll can debate
    ----- whether he really makes a sound,

    ---‘Prepare the way for the Lord,
    ----- make sure there's a mint on his pillow,
    ---make straight paths for him,
    ----- because we're giving him a sobriety test.’”
  4. And so John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins, as well as a cream rinse for the increased volume of your hair
  5. The whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem went out to him, hoping for a good show. Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River, and then had their feet scraped for softness while being psychoanalyzed by Dr. Phil
  6. John wore clothing made of camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, which Tim Gunn considered a little too costumey, but told him to make it work, and he ate locusts and wild honey which Andrew Zimmern considered mundane and said needed something extra, like maybe sauteed spiders or rat anus
  7. And this was his message: “After me comes the one more powerful than I, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to stoop down and untie, whose underwear I am not worthy to wash
  8. I baptize you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and a soothing aftershave.
    The Baptism and Testing of Jesus 
  9. At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee to do a gig at Gilly's, and was baptized by John in the Jordan and then spritzed with Channel No. 5 to cover up the smell of donkey sweat
  10. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. 
  11. And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” He immediately began to wonder what the fuck was in that perfume anyway, and purchased a whole case to snort later.
  12. At once the hallucinations sent him out into the wilderness with an extreme case of the munchies,
  13. and he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. But this was no problem, for Satan really wasn't his type. I mean if he were to grow a beard and work out a little more maybe, but Satan was more an indoor kind.  Jesus was with the wild animals, and angels attended him, proving how rugged he really was. Therefore he knew it wouldn't work out between him and Satan, so he told him he thought they should really see other people.
    Jesus Announces the Good News 
  14. After John was put in prison for slipping LSD into his baptismal practices, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God, because that's what snorting perfume will do to you.
  15. “The time has come,” he said. “The kingdom of God has come near.* Repent and believe the good news! Where the fuck did those purple dragons come from? Take cover everybody! Oh look, nachos. Does anybody wanna square dance? I like kittens.
    Jesus Calls His First Disciples 
  16. As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 
  17. “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.”
  18. At once they left their nets and followed him because the idea was incredibly hilarious and they seriously couldn't wait to see this shit. And they wondered what they would use for bait. Gary Coleman came to mind, for he was little and would fit on the hook.
  19. When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. One bottle of Channel later, and a passing of a good doobie, and they were hooked, while their dad kept telling them to just say no, which they ignored.
  20. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him. Their father was a square anyway.
    Jesus Drives Out an Impure Spirit 
  21. They went to Capernaum, and when the Sabbath came, Jesus went into the synagogue and began to teach. Of course they had never learned about the man and how he was keeping them down before,  
  22. so the people were amazed at his teaching, because he taught them as one who had authority, not as the teachers of the law who were obvious corporate sell-outs
  23. Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an impure spirit cried out, 
  24. “What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God! Wow, this perfume smells amazing! Sniiiifffffff...
  25. “Be quiet!” said Jesus sternly, and gave him something to help him detoxify. “Come out of him!” 
  26. The impure spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek, but went on to start his own reality television program where contestants try to become his apprentice.
  27. The people were all so terrified by how bad the spirit's hair was, but they were so amazed that they asked each other, “What is this? A new teaching—and with authority! He even gives orders to impure spirits and they obey him.” And nearly all of the women wondered if they could do that to their husbands. Most of the men wondered the same about their wives. One guy felt strangely aroused by the idea of spirits coming out of his ass, but kept it to himself in deep shame.
  28. News about him spread quickly over the whole region of Galilee, because really, what else were these people going to do in Galilee. It's not like they had an arcade or anything.
    Jesus Heals Many 
  29. As soon as they left the synagogue, they went with James and John to the home of Simon and Andrew, and it became obvious that they had the beginnings of a great new boy band going. Thankfully they all took a hit of perfume and immediately forgot this horrible idea
  30. Simon’s mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they immediately told Jesus about her. He realized he was incredibly hungry with the munchies again.
  31. So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up and said, "Do you have any Funyuns?." The fever left her and she began to wait on them. Meanwhile they were totally mesmerized by the Teletubbies.
  32. That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed, but even if he did have some serious munchies, he couldn't help but break the news that they were greatly overestimating just how much he could eat. Maybe one or two limbs, but certainly not a whole person! Rather than disappoint them, he shared a paraplegic with his followers with a nice Chianti. 
  33. The whole town gathered at the door, clearly ignoring the "No Soliciting" policies,
  34. and Jesus healed many who had various diseases, as one would expect from people who partied as hard as they did. He also drove out many demons who began a support group to help with their rejection issues, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was* and how stoned he was.
    Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place 
  35. Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, seriously hung over, where he began to talk to himself
  36. Simon and his companions went to look for him, saying, "He has wandered off again without his pants!"
  37. and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you! Come on, let's put little Jesus away, dude. Nobody wants to see that.
  38. Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” The disciples knew that he was too far gone to dissuade him, so they went along with him, hoping at least to score more sweet nugs.
  39. So he traveled throughout Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons, and forever ruining shiksas for mortal men.
    Jesus Heals a Man With Leprosy 
  40. A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.” But clearly he hadn't smelled Jesus or he'd have asked this favor of someone else.
  41. Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” and he handed him a bar of soap and a bucket.
  42. Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. Nobody expected that to happen, but they were more preoccupied by the approaching taco truck to really care.
  43. Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: 
  44. Never trust anybody over 30! And beware the man, for he is watching everything you do. See that you don’t tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest, as he usually asks you to do when he's in one of his "moods", and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them, and to cleanse yourself of the impurities done to you by the priest. And if you can sneak away with some of the altar wine, that'd be excellent!” 
  45. Instead he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news and burning draft cards. As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places, playing his anti-war anthems. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere, the girls screaming like crazed lunatics for they had seen him on the Ed Sullivan show the night before.
15 - The Kingdom of God is near, he said, meaning he expected it within his own lifetime. While people today believe in prophecies like the Rapture and the coming apocalypse, it should be noted that their own figurehead thought it was going to happen in his own presence, and two millenia later we're still waiting. However scientists can predict the coming of comets, eclipses, hurricanse and tornadic activity, so it's obviously winning.
34 - So if knowing who he was is why Peter was given the keys to the kingdom, clearly these demons beat him to it. That was discrimination against demons, showing Jesus to be incredibly bigoted. How much more fun would Christianity have been all this time had a demon been allowed to make the rules as the first pope? Instead we had to wait a few centuries before popes really grew horns and ruled maniacally.